AIBU to be raging at DP?(111 Posts)
DP and I were very close to a break up not long ago.
My issues were that he's not demonstrative, he's stingy with money and emotion and he didn't prioritise me over the other things in his life.
To the point that even on my birthday last month there was a drama and that was the last straw for me- I said it was over and cut him out.
He begged me to take him back and started making changes that convinced me to give it another chance.
And he was genuinely making an effort, to give him credit. Nice meals out, attentive, romantic, etc.
But last night it all went to hell
For the first time in forever, I suggested he come over to mine and we have sex, make a nice romantic night of it.
He said he had to go for someone's leaving drinks from work. Since I know this person, he asked me to come along as well.
Not once did he say he'd love to come over but he was obligated to go blah blah.
We normally only have sex on Saturdays when he spends the day and night at mine. I've made it clear enough times that he can come over any time he wants during the week, but he never initiates it.
So I don't feel wanted sexually. Because it seems that he's just fine to take it or leave it. And yesterday was the first time in such a long time that I made the initiative, and him being so insensitive to it feels like a rejection.
I did text him to say very honestly how I was feeling about it all. He said he'd only stay 15 mins and then come to mine.
He ended up staying there until 11 pm and it was obviously too late to come to mine.
His excuse is that this colleague is going away and he'll never see him again. And that he really wanted to spend an evening in the pleasant company of his old friends:
Now all of this is fine, I just don't understand why he couldn't communicate this better? And why couldn't he make me feel a bit more wanted in the process?
One of our major issues is how he takes ages to respond to messages- when I texted him how I felt yesterday he read it and replied 2 hours later because apparently he was busy with others.
So I have visions of him laughing and enjoying himself with people he prioritises over me while ignoring my texts and completely disregarding my feelings.
There's a lot more to our background, but too long to type.
In short, I'm feeling angry and rejected
He ended up coming to mine very late at night to tell me I was making a big deal of nothing and that I'm "always angry at him"
I think you know it's over. What about him and the relationship brings you joy, makes you happy, feel cherished, supported, valued, appreciated, loved, optimistic for the future? He isn't worthy of you.
What do you get out of this relationship? It seems like not a lot. Perhaps you two just aren't suited? I think life is too short to be involved with people who don't make your life nicer.
Tbh you sound needy as fuck.
You obviously aren't suited so call it a day.
Hmm. I can see both sides of this. I would be furious if a boyfriend wanted me to cancel a planned night out to come and have sex with him. And he did invite you to join him so it's not like he was refusing to see you.
I don't always reply straight away to texts, especially if they're not time sensitive ones but just general chit chat. If I'm with other people it's rude to text unless it's important.
If he isn't demonstrative and generous, that's just who he is. You can't make him be something he's not. Leave him and find someone who puts you first all the time, even above his own needs, because it sounds like that's the relationship you need.
If I'm honest, when things are good, they are pretty good.
When he is attentive and romantic, he is a good boyfriend.
But then he slips back into these moods and it makes me feel disgusted with him.
We were best friends for years before we became a couple and I can talk to him about things I can't tell anyone.
I can be myself with him.
But there is just something about all this that doesn't feel right.
I don't know if I'm just a diva who read too many Mills and Boon trashy novels- but I always expected to be a first priority for my partner given that I extend the same to anyone I love.
FlapsTie- I absolutely don't expect him to put me above his own needs. At all
But it would be nice to be a priority occasionally
When I love someone, I always try and make them feel important and loved above others
I don't think he's in a mood by wanting to go out with his friends fgs.
I think you should put down the trashy novels and get a relationship reality check.
I would not tolerate a partner who didn't want me to go out and then if I went out, kept messaging me. If my husband is out, then he doesn't respond to messages unless they are urgent eg I've gone to hospital. Your expectations of a relationship are way too high.
There needs to be some compromise here.
He already had plans and he tried to include you in them. You seem angry that he's not at your beck and call.
I get that you want to be a priority, but surely not all of the time?
He's allowed his own life too.
I have to agree, you're reading as a very needy person
suspects reverse. Either way, this doesn't sound like it's going to last, so put it in the ground and move on.
You sound like hard work, so every time you say jump, he should ask how high? Time to call it a day.
It sounds like you have quite warped views on how a relationship should work. Just because you are in a relationship that does not mean your partner has to end friendships, nights out etc and his whole world revolve around you.
On another note could you imagine a woman posting her partner is now raging at her because she would not drop her plans and go to his house for sex. She would be told to LTB.
To the point that even on my birthday last month there was a drama and that was the last straw for me
What was the drama op?
You sound high maintenance, who plans sex n a certain night, is he prohibited from socialising on this night?
Sorry it may well be that he is awful generally but I am not seeing the issue. You asked him over and he said no sorry I have plans already but you can come along if you like. That's completely normal and not at all dickish. He doesn't have to apologise or act like he would have much rather come see you than go out with his colleagues. He is allowed to have a life outside the relationship, and you might do better together if you just chilled out a bit and went out with him in a group.
You sound very very young and very very needy. You sound exactly like I was with my first boyfriend aged 20/21 actually. He was a bit of a twat but it was mostly about my own insecurity. You sound like you've got some growing up to do-- but don't worry, that happens whether you like it or not. Try to let go of this anger and move on. Probably best to just leave it with this chap anyway, you don't sound like you're having a great time and it might be good for you to start fresh.
And oh dear I remember sending long emails about my feelings to my bf and expecting him to engage and reply with every line! You'll look back and laugh at this one day.
Sorry OP. YABVU.
You sound high maintenance & youd drive a lot of good people away.
Posted too soon
You sound EA people would be handing your arse if you were male. I think it's rude to be on the phone when your out with friends so I don't think he did anything wrong, you still hounded him to come to yours he didn't come straight away but still came. I think you need to treat him with some more respect.
Ok this has escalated quickly
For starters, I have never nor will I ever stop him from going out with his friends.
This was the first time I've had an issue with because of the way he acted through it all and the fact that I had initiated something after such a long time.
The birthday drama was basically that he didn't do anything: didn't plan a dinner or anything special, in fact he decided to withdraw from me completely and then call me up to shout at me that I was ignoring him.
He is generally very selfish and I think it's a build up of all that which caused me to react badly yesterday
For example, he will NEVER come over to my place on a Thursday no matter what because it's his cooking night. Likewise he will NEVER make a plan with me for Sunday because that's his day for errands.
But he has made exceptions to meet other (female) friends on Thursdays and Sundays.
Wow you made a big deal of that and you sound like you're always angry at him. Break up, you clearly don't want to be with this man as he is.
I have to agree with others. You want sex so you tell him what he has to do and get annoyed when he tries to compromise. And 2 hours is not long to wait for a reply, especially if he is busy.
Relationships are about working together, not having a person at your disposal 100% of the time. If you love him and want to make it work, try to let him be him. That will mean coming second sometimes. If you are coming second all the time then there is more of a problem.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I wouldn't tolerate a partner who made me feel second best. But then I also prefer the company of my partner over my work colleagues and I would never chose randoms I am forced to work with over someone I love.
He basically hates going out or doing anything.
Doesn't spend any money on me- and I don't expect fancy gifts or presents AT ALL.
But he won't even ever offer to buy me a £2 coffee.
He always prioritises his plans over anything I might want to do
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