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Aibu? Friend has flipped out on me.

(60 Posts)
user1473509591 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:05:41

I actually do feel sorry for hI'm, but I'm stuck in the middle here so aibu to feel it's unfair that I'm getting the abuse?
Posted on here a few times about how dh hasn't worked for a while and it's a strain on us financially. I tell my friend and he says he's got places going at his work, it's not well paid and crap hours but it's a job. Before I even get a chance to run it past dh he's arranged an interview for him.
Now he has terrible anxiety when it comes to phone work. I knew he wouldn't like it, but he went to the interview anyway. Or, he tried. He got hopelessly lost, and eventually made his way home two hours late.
Friend got an earful from his manager and now he's fuming with us, saying it's the last time he'll ever help. I did try explaining to him that the job probably won't be suitable (it also clashes with my job hours) but we've felt so pressured into it and it made dh anxiety worse. I can understand his frustration and I've promised never to moan about dh not working again but tbh I don't know if he will ever talk to me again. I feel so torn in frustration about dh, wishing he would just do it, but I'm also upset that df has flipped out on me.
Aibu? I know you guys will tell me straight.

3boys3dogshelp Thu 27-Oct-16 16:10:34

If your friend arranged an interview for your DH then he just didn't turn up and didn't let them know then YABU. Can you not see how bad that makes your friend look to his colleagues.
If your DH was not well enough to do the job he should have politely declined the interview. It he didn't know the way he could have looked up directions online in a couple of minutes. Your DH owes your friend an apology. Anxiety is not an excuse for messing people around.

Aderyn2016 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:10:54

Your friend was made to look bad at work when all he was doing was trying to help you. I know you didn't ask him to, but in not cancelling, your dh was committed to going. I think that if your dh didn't want to go then he needed to pull out before it got as far as interview day. I also think that if you commit to an interview, the onus is on you to find out where you are going before the day of the interview. Sorry.

TheNaze73 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:11:04

YANBU, he crossed a line doing that. Classic make trait of trying to problem solve, when somebody in their eyes is banging on.
He's an arse for doing that, whatever his intentions

TheNaze73 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:11:19

Male not make

YelloDraw Thu 27-Oct-16 17:05:02

He got hopelessly lost? What is it, 1992 and his A to Z got wet??

user1473509591 Thu 27-Oct-16 17:13:43

Yellow sorry that made me laugh 😂
No, he was using Google maps when his phone died x

CurlyBlueberry Thu 27-Oct-16 17:17:22

Mmm I think that your friend was out of line arranging the interview before checking it was ok to do so. That's on him. It is bad form to do something like that, and therefore the looking bad at work is his own fault. He shouldn't have stuck his neck out like that without checking first!

That said, your DH really should have cancelled. "I'm so sorry, having looked further into it I have realised I would not be able to take this job and thought it best to let you know as soon as possible. Thank you very much for thinking of me and arranging the interview." Job done.

Thisjustinno Thu 27-Oct-16 17:19:27

So he just didn't turn up for the interview?

ghostyslovesheep Thu 27-Oct-16 17:21:13

sorry but I'd be pissed off if I was your friend

you and your DH sound a bit wet - if he didn't want it HE should has told your friend - or if he wasn't even able to you could have

Who doesn't check out where a job interview is before hand?

Or charge their phone before hand?

He didn't even ring and cancel - and dropped your friend in it

Your friend was trying to do a kind thing - he wont do it again

TheProblemOfSusan Thu 27-Oct-16 17:25:39

I don't think you've been unreasonable - but I think your friend has and perhaps a little bit your husband. Your friend should NEVER have booked in an interview without a by-your-leave like that: in these circumstances I'd have said "I'd be really happy to have him in for an interview, here's my card, have him call me to set it up - and please tell him to definitely call, I'm not just being polite" or similar.

(well actually in my work I couldn't do this at all, I'd have to have a specific job to fill and a form and everything, but you see what I mean)

But your husband was a bit off in not saying 'I'm sorry, I'm not able to come to this - I've talked to User about it and it's not work that I'm qualified for/able to do/whatever. Thank you so much though'. But I know how anxiety can make even that completely impossible.

I'm not sure you've done anything wrong here though - you didn't ask for the interview, presumably you said you'd speak to DH first, and you weren't the one that didn't do so well at the interview. Your friend shouldn't have presumed, and also should NEVER have put his own work-political-capital on the line for this without having an idea of how the potential candidate would do. And if your friend were my employee I'd have had a word about appropriate scheduling of interviews too, because this is not how you do it for exactly this reason.

Ginslinger Thu 27-Oct-16 17:29:50

I don't think your friend should have organised an interview without speaking to your DH but that said, I think that your DH needs to apologise for this. Although I understand that if he's anxious it was all just too much. I'm on the fence here.

Lollipopgirls Thu 27-Oct-16 17:30:52

Well, your DF should have checked first and given it time for your DH to consider and agree before actually going ahead and arranging interview.

If your DH has anxiety, is it coincidence that his phone died at the very point he was on his way to the interview? Does he usually not keep his phone charged? Did he not check the location/route beforehand? How does he manage to be 2 hours late, was the interview 50 miles away? If he wasn't keen on going, he should have been honest in advance and said "Thanks but phone work is definitely not one of my skills so best not to stick your neck out for me on this occasion for that job."

However does sound like friend was pushy.

It's like if you said you can't afford any nice food and then someone buys you some as a surprise but it's all smoked salmon and you don't even eat fish?! Is it unreasonable?!

HappyAxolotl Thu 27-Oct-16 17:36:07

They're both BU aren't they? Friend overstepped by arranging the interview without oking it with your husband but once your husband heard he should have cancelled the interview.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 27-Oct-16 17:38:05

If I were your friend I would definitely think you and DH were lying about why he didn't go to the interview. I would be extremely annoyed that you hadn't even phoned me to cancel with a made up D&V illness or something but instead dropped me in it at work then made up a dumb excuse for it, treating me like I am an idiot.

Let's face it there are a million ways DH could have got to the interview or contacted someone to contact the friend but he didn't. Mostly likely his anxiety got the better of him and he bailed, maybe in advance by failing to charge his phone accidentally on purpose and not memorising the route in advance.

You pretending his daft fake excuse is a valid reason for screwing over the friend is probably what's pissing off the friend most. Honesty over DH having an anxious melt down might get more sympathy.

srslylikeomg Thu 27-Oct-16 17:41:32

Your DH was out of order, and you are enabling him. I would be pissed off if I was your friend. The only way to save this I think is to say to your friend - DH has anxiety, he didn't handle this well, I'm sorry. We wasted your time and let you down at work and we are both very sorry.

gleam Thu 27-Oct-16 17:41:42

Your friend is BU, not you, not your husband.

What a berk the friend is, trying to railroad your dh into a job that's 'not well paid and has crap hours'. Some friend!

Aeroflotgirl Thu 27-Oct-16 17:43:30

Yabu, OK he arranged the interview, but you are both adults, could you not have told your friend that you want to cancel, as the job wou,d not be for him.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 27-Oct-16 17:50:54

As someone who suffers from god awful anxiety I think your DH is the most unreasonable of the two.

Got lost, phone died, managed to make it home two hours late sounds like bullshit and probably is. It was an interview not a trek across the African Savannah.

YelloDraw Thu 27-Oct-16 17:50:56

I do think friend is BU to have arranged the interview, but he was trying to 'fix'. DH was U to not turn up and also U not to call and say 'thanks but no thanks' in advance.

expatinscotland Thu 27-Oct-16 17:52:53

I'm not surprised your DH is unemployed. He doesn't appear to take responsibility for anything - his anxiety, his employment, telling this guy the interview and job are inappropriate.

Stopyourhavering Thu 27-Oct-16 17:53:21

It's not helping your dh anxiety if he hadn't charged his phone or checked where interview was....he has to take some of the responsibility in all of this as well - does he want to work?

DearMrDilkington Thu 27-Oct-16 17:54:51

You all sound bloody ridiculous tbh.

You less so than your friend and dh though.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Thu 27-Oct-16 17:58:06

What a berk the friend is, trying to railroad your dh into a job that's 'not well paid and has crap hours'. Some friend!

Maybe DF thought it was better than the dole? (I would!) confused

Or maybe DF is in a similar poorly renumerated post?

gingerscot Thu 27-Oct-16 18:01:06

You mention phone work. Lots of call centre type places have "refer a friend" schemes where people are paid if they "introduce" someone. Is this maybe why your friend was so keen to set up the interview?

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