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Am I being unreasonable?

(16 Posts)
essex1 Thu 27-Oct-16 14:33:30

I have been with my partner 5 years now and had plenty of ups and downs during that time. Lots of which was caused by her secret drinking which causes a change in her personality. Despite my challenges on this and promises it has stopped I know it still goes on as I found bottles of vodka hidden in her car. Anyway on a seperate issue, when we met she was renting a house with her 3 adult sons. Long story short she was working all hours to keep them as even though they all worked (one was earning 1k per week) they never gave her regular money for the house bills, she was always in dept with bailiffs knocking etc. If we went on holiday which we have had plenty over the years I generally had to pay for it all, so in effect I was help supporting her unreasonable sons. I then invited her to live with me, more in the hope this would allow her to get her finances in order to allow us to have a financial retirement future, I am 55 and her 50. I agreed to continue to cover all the house bills, just leaving her to contribute to her food, which is about £20 a week. My partner has always earned around 16k per year doing different jobs and barely still has enough saved for a holiday out of that. I know she secretly still bails out her sons with paying bills at their house while they enjoy the high life. I am close to early medical retirement from my job but my gf thinks this is unfair as she still has to work, after a heated exchange where I said I felt like I was also supported her adult sons we agreed to set a financial plan for us both retire. Only a matter of days since, I now find along with the drinking she is secretly frittering her wages on them again. Am I being unreasonable to not want to put up with this any longer?

Haggisfish Thu 27-Oct-16 14:35:48

Yanbu. What are you getting from this? Sounds like you're in line for a miserable retirement at this rate.

mysistersimone Thu 27-Oct-16 15:21:28

She's lying to you and deceiving you and putting your feelings last. I think there are a few core necessary elements to a relationship and she's not providing some of them. If you can't trust her or rely on her then you do need to consider ending the relationship. 5 years is enough time to invest in someone to know them well, don't waste your life supporting her when she doesn't support you.

UnderCoverGuvnor Thu 27-Oct-16 15:36:33

She is not going to change! You need to accept that and decide if you can continue with the relationship.

UsernameHistory Thu 27-Oct-16 15:41:08

52k a year and sponging off their mother with her allowing it. That's ignoring empty vodka bottles hidden from you.

Time to run for the hills.

TheNaze73 Thu 27-Oct-16 15:47:25

Fuck that. What on earth are you getting out of this?

essex1 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:42:29

Yes I think the mistrust is the hardest part to swallow and to be honest I love the lady to bits but I am not getting anything from this relationship other then being manipulated and trivialised

Haggisfish Thu 27-Oct-16 16:45:00

But what is there to love?

essex1 Thu 27-Oct-16 17:15:04

I am not sure of that question, the experts would boldly say love is unconditional but that would just mean being walked over which doesnt suit me!

Katy07 Thu 27-Oct-16 17:16:18


Arfarfanarf Thu 27-Oct-16 17:20:41

She's not going to stop. You have to decide whether you can accept it or not.
If you choose to continue the relationship then don't complain to her because you know the deal. If you simply can't hack it then it's time to ask her to leave.

Romantic love is certainly not unconditional. It can be worn away by unacceptable behaviours.
Parental love, now that's unconditional.
Which will be why she won't stop helping her sons, even at the expense of her relationship with you.

She either doesnt see the damage that coninually bailing her sons out does to them or she doesnt care. She certainly knows the damage it's doing to her relationship with you and she's still doing it.
What does that tell you?

Sparklingbrook Thu 27-Oct-16 17:23:28

Sounds miserable to me. Do you really want to spend your retirement putting up with it? Leave her to it.

essex1 Thu 27-Oct-16 17:30:02

Thank you that was a most interesting and well thought out response. I think I know dead down what it is telling me but perhaps finding it difficult to accept. One thing is for sure I have tried everything to change the course but even if that works it only for the short term before it goes back as it was!

228agreenend Thu 27-Oct-16 17:34:17

I think you need a serious discussion about finances. Or decide whether you will accept her bailing her sons, or not?

Maybe if she is only contributing £20 a week, she feels entitled to spend her wages on her son's? What else is she going to spend it on if you pick up all the other bills?

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be deceived, but I think some serious discussions about your future need to be had.

228agreenend Thu 27-Oct-16 17:35:11

Sorry, unreasonable not to be deceived...

essex1 Thu 27-Oct-16 17:52:56

We have had plenty of discussions on her finances, ultimately agreeing that I continue to pick up the bills but she puts her wages into a savings account for her retirement. Unfortunately this never has or ever will happen, I am accepting that now.
Just wanted to ensure I was not being unreasonable by asking the forum

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