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To think DH is just pissed off his cushy life is ending?

(184 Posts)
yesterdaysunshine Thu 27-Oct-16 08:07:51

DH and I are both trained professionals (ooh!) and he is the significantly higher earner. Possibly because of this, he had a tendency to understate my contribution (financially) and so the usually unspoken rule was that because he contributed more financially I should contribute more domestically. In other words, even though we both worked full time, I made up the shortfall of my financial contribution through housework.

To be honest it was fine because we started off living in a small rented house then a larger "family" home but still very modern and easy to clean. Then had a baby and I went part time so fair enough, I did the lions share of the cleaning.

Then we moved to a larger and older building and I became a SAHM and then that really tilted the balance in his favour.

I hate being a SAHM. He thinks I have an easy life and I do insofar as 'easy' equates to 'full' but it's the having to ask for cash and justify spending (my Amazon basket is full of stuff I want and just can't buy) and filling the long afternoon hours and doing it all and then doing it all again tomorrow.

In all I haven't done a bad job. I used to think I did but having been away with two other families recently mine was by far the most organised (no judgement there by the way). The house is clean, warm and inviting, the sheets changed and washed and sprayed with some sweet smelling stuff weekly, the blinds are dusted. The food is cooked. The gardens are attractive and well maintained, the dog is walked and so on.

But I want to retrain. Entering my old career would be hard after a hiatus (is that the right word??) and I think I'd be good at the new one.

You would have thought I told DH I had racked up debt of 30 grand from the look on his face!

So AIBU to think he's just pissed off his easy life is ending?

Bagina Thu 27-Oct-16 08:12:46

Sorry, I can't get past him thinking you should do more domestically because you earned less, despite working full time!

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea Thu 27-Oct-16 08:15:16

I can't imagine he'd be pleased at the impending change.... after all, what's in it for him? More of the shitwork and a wife he can't look down on quite as readily. I'll bet he's horrified at the idea...

user1477282676 Thu 27-Oct-16 08:15:28

The unspoken rule was that because he contributed more financially I should contribute more domestically.

Erm....nope....that's not ok or normal.

It's the having to ask for cash This is not normal.

I don't know why he looked the way he did but from what you've said, I would say it's because he won't have control any longer.

Why do you have to ask for money?

JennyOnAPlate Thu 27-Oct-16 08:15:29

What bagina said. I would laugh in my Dhs face if he suggested such a thing.

takesnoprisoners Thu 27-Oct-16 08:16:20


NoIsAnAnswer Thu 27-Oct-16 08:19:48

Is this real?

yesterdaysunshine Thu 27-Oct-16 08:19:56

I don't think asking for cash is "not normal" - it's not ideal, but I know plenty of women who SAH or who earn significantly less who will ask for money before going out shopping or whatever.

But yes, I think he just doesn't want the nice smooth ride to end.

yesterdaysunshine Thu 27-Oct-16 08:20:11

Is what real? confused

BeingATwatItsABingThing Thu 27-Oct-16 08:21:09

Ummm... Really? So many alarm bells going off in my head.

You should not have to do more work at home because you earn less.

You should not have to ask for money and justify why you need it.

He sounds like a twat.

SlinkyVagabond Thu 27-Oct-16 08:21:10

You have to ask for money? So his money is his money, not family money? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. You have sacrificed your professional career to be a sahm, yet have to go cap in hand. Of course he's pissed off that his free housekeeper is quitting. The mistake was early on,paying off financial contribution against domestic contribution. You were supposedly equal partners,both working full time? Then you share the work. Id take great delight in pissing on his chips and retraining-but don't expect him to value that and help in any way.

crje Thu 27-Oct-16 08:21:24

He is an arse and you should definitely retrain.

Are you a people pleaser or is he a bit of a bully?

itlypocerka Thu 27-Oct-16 08:22:48

This is the 21st century and women are allowed to assert their equality with men these days.

If your marriage is a partnership of equals then all finances are held jointly with each of you having the same amount of personal spending money, and hours of effort spent on housework, household management and childcare are valued equally with hours spent outside the home working for an employer and each of you should get the same number of leisure hours where you are doing none of these things.

You clearly don't have a partnership of equals at the moment. You have 3 possible paths now. Either you make the partnership change to one of equality. Or you accept this mistreatment and inequality and bring up your children to think that inequality is acceptable, perpetuating it for another generation. Or you leave.

ZoeTurtle Thu 27-Oct-16 08:22:52

Christ, he sounds terrible. If I were you I would want full financial independence... and then I'd leave and get true independence.

yesterdaysunshine Thu 27-Oct-16 08:23:09

I agree with that: in hindsight I'd have been a LOT firmer and stroppier really with him, but when we got together we were young and I certainly was clueless about relationships and how they worked.

ZoeTurtle Thu 27-Oct-16 08:24:14

yesterdaysunshine But you know it's not too late, right? If you do want to stay with this man (who doesn't respect you) then you can stand up to him any time, and he can like it or lump it.

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 27-Oct-16 08:24:59

Ask for money? No, OP, that's not normal. People discuss big purchases, but I wouldn't dream of getting into a situation where I had to ask my partner for money before I went to the supermarket!

It's also not normal to do more housework because you earn less money! If you worked part-time, that would be different, but a full-time job is a full-time job, regardless of how much income you bring in.

He doesn't sound very pleasant.

yesterdaysunshine Thu 27-Oct-16 08:25:38

Well, yes, that's what I am doing smile and he's got a face on him because his cushy life is ending but of course he isn't going to say that's why he's pissed off so he comes up with a whole bunch of other reasons.

It helps writing it out so I don't let myself get sidelined later.

mscongeniality Thu 27-Oct-16 08:25:54

This is really not normal OP. I'm a SAHM right now and my DH would rather go without himself just to make sure I and our son can have everything we need. I never have to ask him for money before Ingo out, he just transfers me money regularly to make sure I don't go without. And this was the same when I worked, my money was mine and his money was ours!

fuzzywuzzy Thu 27-Oct-16 08:26:41

OP retrain just do it.

yesterdaysunshine Thu 27-Oct-16 08:26:51

I know it's not normal as a whole package but I do think asking for money from time to time is, if you see what I mean. Or at any rate I know a lot of women who do.

FetchezLaVache Thu 27-Oct-16 08:27:25

What everybody said, but I think Contessa and Bagina most pithily summarised your situation. Definitely retrain, but make sure you JOINTLY pay for a cleaner for lots of hours when you go back to work. You are not being valued.

TheStoic Thu 27-Oct-16 08:29:56

Far from being horrified - a loving partner would be supportive and encouraging of your plans, and would work with you to make them happen.

Your husband doesn't see you as his equal, probably never has and almost certainly never will.

DownTownAbbey Thu 27-Oct-16 08:30:22

What a turd. If you have it soooo easy he'll be volunteering to be a stay at home dad whilst you earn, won't he? Oh no, because then his penis will shrivel because he won't get any hard ons about being your Lord and master. The warning signs were there when he thought you should do more domestic slavery because you earned less. Making you beg for money (even if it's done all nicey nicey) is financially abusive. I bet his Amazon parcels keep coming.

RosieThorn Thu 27-Oct-16 08:32:17

I'm currently a SAHM, I don't have to ask DH about spending money. I do have to check our accounts to make sure the budget will cope but I do not have to ask for permission or access to the money. I also don't do more housework to compensate for my much reduced financial contribution - DH pulls his weight as much as he did when I was working, more actually,since we now have a child to care for and another on the way. This seems to be the norm amongst the families with SAHMs in our peer group - I.e. it's still an equal partnership with shared resources. Sorry OP but your situation doesn't sound 'normal' at all and in fact sounds borderline abusive.

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