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To want DP to arrange fixed times for hangovers?

(17 Posts)
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 26-Oct-16 22:12:12

DP and his exW have shared custody of their 2 DCs. I have sole custody of my 2 DCs as my exH lives 200 miles away.

We spend more time with mine than with his understandably due to geography but odd occasions in school hols (such as now with half term) mine are with their DF and I can be with DSSs.

We don't live together, we are about 30 mins drive away.

I am working all week, his DCs are back tomorrow night. Mine not back til Saturday.

He wants us to spend time just 4 of us and asked if I would go there tomorrow night.

I said I have to be at a work thing (new job) until around 5:30 but not sure exact end time (flexible) and can then come up to his. What time are DCs due back?

He doesn't know. After work. He initially said sometime between 5 and 7:30pm but has since retracted this statement.

DP is self-employed so finishes at different times. Their DM is a teacher so not working this week.

I said would it be possible to make a fixed plan so we all know what we are working to. He said no.

I have driving anxiety as he is well aware of and I would like t know if I am under time pressure or not.

We don't get much time just me and him and his DCs so I don't want to be 'late' but also don't want to rush for 6pm if they are not arriving for another hour

Apparently I am making a big drama and he has gone to bed.

AIBU or do I have a right to ask for a time to work to?

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 26-Oct-16 22:12:57

Oh lord. Op should have said hand overs.


chipsandpeas Wed 26-Oct-16 22:13:32

ahhh handovers

i was thinking fixed times for hangovers was a bit strange

SheDoneAlreadyDoneHadHerses Wed 26-Oct-16 22:16:28

Oh I'm the same - or at least I used to be. I needed to have the knowledge to control my anxiety (complete control freak here, getting better)

I'd plan to be there for 6.30pm. Time enough to saunter to his after work, doesn't matter either way if they're there yet or not.

You can't control someone else's laissez-faire arrangements. It's taken me 13 years of dealing with an XH with my DS (and then going out with an incredibly laid-back DP) to get to this point.

You can't control them, so just plan round you.

Lunar1 Wed 26-Oct-16 22:18:59

In this circumstance I'd just tell him when you plan to be there for. Trying to pin them down when they aren't bothered will only drive you mad.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 26-Oct-16 22:24:19

Thanks folks. I think you are right. I do my thing, keep them informed and so be it.

However, I am a conformist and I like to work to rules, so I said I will always feel stressed if I know he is wanting me to spend time with his DCs and I am an hour later than them.

But if he can't tell me when they will arrive, I will always be rushing just in case they are early.

I can't do it. I need a fixed plan, or I will be stressed.

I guess I am disappointed that he hasn't twigged this important fact n

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 26-Oct-16 22:36:41

Thing is we are meant to be moving in together next year and I will need more foxed arrangements than this. Not sure he will comply.

IcanMooCanYou Wed 26-Oct-16 22:48:16

Hmmm... You arrive there before them, you get to spend time with him first. You arrive there after them, he gets to spend a bit if time with them first, then you join them. Don't see a problem.

I know u completely recognise that it is your anxieties so i have to say he is not being unreasonable at all- I'd completely be like him: you all arrive when you arrive and there needs to be no stress involved. There are no plane depature times or theatre tickets booked (that's when I'd get stressed). So i can see why he's a bit annoyed (if I'm reading 'gone to bed' right) but having severely suffered anxieties before that other 'normal' people would find in no way stressful, you are also nbu to find this a difficult situation to deal with.

Lunar1 Wed 26-Oct-16 22:49:49

In that cast I'd reconsider moving in. If what you require for you to be at ease is to make two other adults (one of which who has no responsibility to you) who are happy with the way they do things conform to your needs, how do you see that panning out?

You are walking into a disaster, eyes wide open.

Antifrank Wed 26-Oct-16 23:29:39

Hangovers should be in the morning, preferably at weekends. If you are getting hangovers in the evening then you are doing it wrong.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Thu 27-Oct-16 12:11:19

Lunar I think that's a bit harsh to be fair.

I'm not asking them to conform to my needs. I'm just asking for information and consideration, and a timeframe to work to in order for me to meet HIS expectation of me.

I've told DP before and again last night that scatty half-arsed arrangements like these won't be fair when we live together, as I will be the other adult in that house with my DCs, and we will need to have some idea of what is happening and when! I don't think that's unreasonable.

Anyway, I shall float around to my appointments and errands and turn up when it suits me, and if he wants to moan about me not making the most of the opportunity to spend time with his DCs while mine are away, I shall remind him that I can't if he can't tell me what time they are arriving.

And yes, hangovers should always be in the morning, unless one is lucky enough to be able to sleep through to lunchtime smile

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Thu 27-Oct-16 12:14:22

Thank you Ican - I think I agree. It's easier for people who don't suffer stress and anxiety to be laid back about these things. However, I am not and never have been that person (I wish to god I was!) so I guess that's why I am a bit disappointed in DP that he doesn't recognise that.

Hey ho, onwards!

Katy07 Thu 27-Oct-16 12:27:27

I have high levels of anxiety (Asperger's-driven) and the need for solid plans so I totally understand why you want a relatively fixed time to aim for and I can't see why he can't give you a decent idea, or alternatively explain why he can't (i.e. exW won't commit to a drop-off time or something), especially since he knows you like proper arrangements. It's not like you're insisting on them being there at a precise second. I'd go with the idea of deciding what suits you. But equally I'd be wondering if moving in together was going to be a good idea in due course if he gets arsey over you asking something so reasonable...

Lunar1 Thu 27-Oct-16 13:52:08

I've re-read my post and I honestly don't think I'm being harsh. You have a need for things to be organised for you and your dc. Your boyfriend and mum to his dc don't.

How on earth will this work. You don't live together and you are disappointed by his inability to meet your needs.

You will move in together, he and his ex will continue with what is working for them. Your anxiety will go sky high and everyone will be miserable.

I'm sure you think it will and should work out just the way you want because you love each other and if it wasn't for problems with his DC everything would be perfect.

If you are not happy now how do you think it will be when it's all magnified?

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Thu 27-Oct-16 14:33:53

Thanks for the reply Lunar.

I suppose I felt it was harsh that you think there should be no compromise, in that all the flex has to be from me to accommodate their 'norm' and no compromise made in my direction.

I feel I should have a say of some sort.

WorkAccount Thu 27-Oct-16 14:48:41

As someone who lives with someone with anxieties i fully agree with Lunar,
How can your partner have any control over his Ex and make her stop being fluid?
How can you be flexible when he wants a fluid event?

Lunar1 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:30:14

No, you have read me wrong. I do think their should be compromise. But if there obviously isn't going to be, over something really fundamental to your well being then I think you should put your well being first.

You can't force someone to change, but you can change the decisions you make for yourself.

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