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to care about peoples sexual history?

(156 Posts)
Relicfromspace Wed 26-Oct-16 17:34:53

To give a bit of background, I'm a single dad, 31 and have been single for four years. Previous to this I've been in two relationships, and those are the only women I've slept with.

Now I've recently tried the whole internet dating thing, and more often than not ex's come up (mainly because they're trying to understand why I'm a single dad and where the mum is).. I realise that in my early 30's having only slept with two people is lower than the average. I'm not too concerned about the number, just the whole idea of them doing one night stands/casual stuff. I've tried steering clear from the conversation, and did so successfully with one women who I went on a date with. Ended up adding each other on Facebook, she did some random quiz about how many sexual partners she had and it predicted 24, she and her friends commented on how that's probably a bit low. I know it's wrong, but I just couldn't see her after that.

How do I get over the fact that I'm the odd one out, and people have much more experience than me? Struggling here!

FlyingElbows Wed 26-Oct-16 17:38:37

I'm 40 and I've only had three. I'm not ashamed of my choice to only have sex with people I was in a relationship with. Casual meaningless sexual encounters in the tens or hundreds is not "experience" I ever wanted. I suspect we may be more common than you think.

PlayOnWurtz Wed 26-Oct-16 17:38:38

Wow. Just wow. Really really judgmental of you there! At 31 you'll be hard pushed to find someone without any form of history, especially given you yourself come with what others will perceive as baggage

EJsqidge91 Wed 26-Oct-16 17:40:47

So you didnt see her again because she had had too many sexual partners? I agree. Wow. Take off your judgy pants and then maybe you'd struggle less.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 26-Oct-16 17:40:52

Yes sexual history would concern me, if they slept with hundreds of people, sorry no, unless they have a sexual disease and Hiv test.

AyeAmarok Wed 26-Oct-16 17:41:08

Lots of partners doesn't necessarily equal lots of sex. They might not actually be any more experienced.

Generally, someone in a long term relationship will have more sex than someone who is single but is dating different people.

I consider myself pretty experienced, sex-wise, but my magic number of people isn't high because I have had long term relationships.

myownprivateidaho Wed 26-Oct-16 17:44:16

I think you have to identify what it is that bothers you about it. Is it that you think that a woman is more experienced than you and that's embarrassing? That you think that she'll be comparing you to other lovers? That you feel that the number of lovers she's had will somehow be reflected in her body or that she's somehow tainted or something? Or that you think that she is too intimate with people she doesn't know well and you don't like that?

If it's one or other of the first two, then you need to work on building up your self esteem.

If it's the third - give your head a wobble. The amount of sex someone has had doesn't somehow stay with them. Anyway woman whose had 24 partners may well have had less sex overall than one whose had one long term partner. If it's this, you have some sexist thinking to get over (common but still that's no excuse).

If it's the fourth -- I think this is kind of a mix of low self esteem and sexist ideas of purity. Honestly, the fact that someone has had several partners doesn't tell you much about their character. You might well have had more if you'd had longer periods of being single. Try to think about male friends of yours who have had more lovers than you -- do you think its something really important that says something about their character? Chances are you don't.

Lumpylumperson Wed 26-Oct-16 17:44:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myownprivateidaho Wed 26-Oct-16 17:45:24

And obviously you should insist on mutual std tests with ANY new sexual partner if you're planning on skipping condoms!

NipSlipper Wed 26-Oct-16 17:46:26

I was well into double figures when I met my DH at 24. I liked sex, enjoyed the chase and had lots of fun.

If i were single again now and dating (happily married 15 years, so no chance) I wouldn't judge YOU for having so little experience. But if I knew you judged ME for having plenty of casual sex because i enjoyed wouldn't have the option of judging me, because you wouldn't see me for dust wink.

Get off your high horse or you won't find anyone.

Hope that helps.

UterusUterusGhali Wed 26-Oct-16 17:47:25

You didn't want to see her because you felt your number was too low, or hers too high?

As pp said, at your age, lots of people will have a few sexual partners. Some won't. Would you like it if you were rejected because you've only slept with a couple of women?

Relicfromspace Wed 26-Oct-16 17:48:21

I'm not looking for someone without any sexual history, I'm looking for someone who doesn't do the whole casual sex/one night stand thing. That's not me being judgmental, that's me having a preference.

My question was how I can move away from this position and just realise that people have a past, and it doesn't really matter. Rather than concerning myself with it. I've already said how odd I am for being this way, I don't really need other's repeating what I already know!

myownprivateidaho Wed 26-Oct-16 17:51:25

Honestly, I think that if you don't think you're being judgmental you won't be able to move past the preference.

FerretFred Wed 26-Oct-16 17:52:00

Try the new dating site; Plenty of Nuns.

AyeAmarok Wed 26-Oct-16 17:54:38

Oh, I see. It's not that you're worried about your own inexperience, it's that you judge women for having casual sex.

I take back what I posted.

Maybe you should go and join a puritanical Christian group or something where the women are more chaste, if that's your preference, rather than online dating where you run the risk of meeting women with a more normal attitude.

woodhill Wed 26-Oct-16 17:55:03

Good for you Relic

Don't agree with sleeping around.

GreatFuckability Wed 26-Oct-16 17:55:24

Well, as a single woman who has had probably around 30 partners then i'd rather know you were a judgemental arse who thought that kind of thing matters too, so i don't waste my time talking to you.

Lweji Wed 26-Oct-16 17:55:52

Did you think she did one night stands? Why?
She could have had several different partners and not a single one night stand.

If you really don't want this to bother you, you'll have to ask yourself why.

MarcelineTheVampire Wed 26-Oct-16 17:56:36

OP I think myownprivate was a great post- you need to identify what bothers you so much about it?

Is it self esteem or you wanting a virtuous woman hmm?

PoldarksBreeches Wed 26-Oct-16 17:57:02

Seriously though - what bothers you about potential partners having had casual sex?
Do you think it makes them bad people? Will look down on you? Cheat on you?
What is it you object to?

GreatFuckability Wed 26-Oct-16 17:57:44

Just because someone HAS done the whole casual sex in the past, doesn't mean they still DO though. I think you need to work on seperating the past from the present.

SarcasmMode Wed 26-Oct-16 17:59:21

I think everyone is entitled to chose who they wish to be with for whatever reason. But they should not

1) tell the person they are wrong and
2) shouldn't make nasty comments about that person.

If you just simply don't want to go out with a woman with red hair, or who wears glasses or who had ONS in the past its up to you but don't make her feel shit about it.

AyeAmarok Wed 26-Oct-16 18:00:55

It doesn't even necessarily mean "casual sex" or one night stands.

Maybe she's had a lot of relationships that ended after a few months?

Maybe she's thought the relationship was going somewhere and the guy just never called after as he was only after one thing?

There's nothing wrong with having sex, as long as you're doing it safely and consensually.

GinIsIn Wed 26-Oct-16 18:03:02

Well, I have had long term relationships, I've had casual sex and I've had one night stands. I'm not ashamed of my choices or my body and would never want to be with someone who sought to make me feel that way so actually it's best that you do judge because then they can move on and find someone less uptight and judgemental than you. People's pasts are just that - past. It can't be changed and sexual history informs neither people's character nor their morals so rather than look at it as a failing on their part, consider why you feel you have the right to judge.

PersianCatLady Wed 26-Oct-16 18:03:28

I'm looking for someone who doesn't do the whole casual sex/one night stand thing
So you wouldn't be put off by someone who had say had 8 year or so long relationships and maybe one one-night stand then??

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