AIBU to go NC with these friends(31 Posts)
I am best friends with 3 other girls the last 30 years. We spent everyday of our childhood together , each others bridesmaids ect. Admittedly see less of each other now because if work, children and other such thing but still manage to meet up bout every 6 weeks and speak weekly . Here is my gripe ... My niece committed suicide a year ago now and my mother died very suddenly from cancer 6 weeks later . All 3 girls attended the funerals but not one of them came to see me before or after. Both my mam and niece were laid out in the house so they could if came to the house in the days before the funeral mass and knew they weren't intruding. More recently I told them that my little girl was being assessed for autism , told them the date. They never once enquired to see how it went. My daughter does have autism but I haven't told them because i am thinking what's the point. I am begging to feel increasingly bitter towards them. Am I being a bit precious or would I be justified in slowly cutting them out?
Given the length of your friendship, I think it would be better to just talk to them quietly and individually about how hurt you are.
I think you are hurting and, whilst their behaviour doesn't sound the best, you're probably overreacting and I wouldn't make that sort of decision now.
People get wrapped up in their own lives - i'm guilty of it, as i'm sure are many other people. Some weeks i'm so busy between work, dc and various other stuff that I don't check in with people at all. I forgot about my parents 30 year Wedding Anniversary completely this year (which is actually a huge deal as anniversary's are a 'big thing' to my parents, never mind a significant one).
Talk to them but don't cut yourself off.
Firstly so sorry for your losses. That must have been really hard. I think it's disappointing that they didn't make the effort to see you. I know for some people they wouldn't be keen to see the people who have died.
Two of my girls have autism and no one has really been there for me. Even someone I consider a close friend has barely been in touch. I understand life does get in the way but it isn't hard to send a text. I'd probably lower my expectations of them, that way it might hurt less. Hope you're doing okay x
Where are you from? I'm Irish, and would automatically go to extreme lengths to attend the funeral of a friend's family member, whatever the circumstances of death, and it is one of the oddities of England for me is that funerals seem so private, and invitation-only in many cases, and there seems to be a sense that attendees were close to the dead person. People being laid out in the house is comparatively unusual here, and some people seem very uneasy with it, and also weirdly reluctant to talk to bereaved people. You'all have a better sense than internet strangers whether your friends felt like this.
Very sorry for your losses, OP, and best wishes with your daughter's diagnosis.
It's a difficult one because I personally wouldn't go to a house where the person was laid out.
In fact I'd avoid it at all costs. And they came to the funerals.
I'd talk to them before throwing away a 30 year friendship.
I am so sorry for the loss of your lived ones. I would talk to them, some people don't do death or illness well, they have had their own loss and find it hard.admittidly, I would not like to go to a house to see a dead body, I know it's an Irish tradition to have your loved one to view in the home. For me no sorry. Mabey the feel the same.
I wouldn't cut them out, that would just hurt you in the long run
You're going through an incredibly tough time and everything that is happening is heightening your feelings imo
In my opinion I'd wait until Christmas and see if a drink / meal is suggested , if not I'd invite them to your house and have a nice evening reconnecting
Maybe they are a bit unsure how to help or what help you need from them and are assuming that your family are supporting you? Tell them you miss them and could do with a good catch up and take it from there?
I know I've been guilty of 'giving people some space' when I'm not sure how to be supportive.
I couldn't go in to a home where a body was laid out. I couldn't even see my mother or father after they had died. Your friends came to the funeral.
As for your daughter's appointment, I wouldn't necessarily expect someone to remember the date of an appointment to ask. Perhaps they think it still hasn't happened yet? Most specialist services have pretty long waiting lists.
I think a bigger demonstration of your friendship is how they react if you bring up your daughter's appointment. Are they will to discuss it with you, or do they change the subject to something else?
Are you all usually mutually supportive of each other through life's difficulties? If you're giving a lot of support but not getting it back I'd consider going NC slowly but if your expecting support from them is new because of the difficult times you've had lately I'd talk to them and let them know you need support at the moment. Very sorry for your loses
I suspect with your dd it's more than they've not enquiried how she's doing rather than around remembering the date?!
So sorry for your losses.
To be fair perhaps your friends were more comfortable just to attend funeral than to visit house....you have friendships that span years, you've been through so much, tell them how you are feeling. I sometimes mix up dates of important things for friends, appointments etc....doesn't mean I don't care.
Sometimes people care but are scared to say anything for fear of being intrusive or saying the wrong thing. I would give your friends the benefit of the doubt for now. Invite them round for drinks/takeaway/afternoon tea or whatever you do together, just the four of you. In the course of the evening tell them how isolated you are feeling (after all they are not psychic). Once they know how you feel and what you would like from them they may step up. You might also find out about issues in their lives that you can support them with.
30 years of friendship is a lot to throw away without one last attempt at salvaging it.
If after that you are still unhappy at how things are going, then maybe it will be time to let the relationships slide.
Thanks for replying everyone. The majority of you are right I should just tell them how I feel .
I am irish and it would be the done thing to have a body laid out at home . They wouldn't of had to see the body if they had wished not too. It was in a separate room with the door and curtains closed. I even feel they could of came and had a chat with me in the garden. 2 of them only live 10 minutes away from the house. Also after both funerals famiky and friends went to a hotel for drink and food and to almost celebrate the life of the person that has died( also an irish tradition) none of them came to this.
In regards to my daughter I met with them for coffee on the Monday and told them the appointment was that Wednesday.
I just feel if it was the other way around I would be there 100% for them. Will have a chat with them in time about it perhaps but not at the minute because I'm still upset over it.
I agree that you should clearly spell out what you need before NC.
Just something like 'Friend, I felt let down and hurt that you didn't come around or call when my family members died. I really needed your support. And I feel overwhelmed with DD ASD testing, and I could really use a friend to lean on.'
See what she has to say. 30 years is a lot to throw away without trying to salvage.
Actually that sounds really shit of them. Unfortunately these sort of life-changing events can show us who our friends really are (or aren't). I'd urge you not to make any sudden decisions regarding the friendship but yes, ultimately how they behave towards you at this time may end the friendship.
I think your friends could've made the effort to come beforehand. You don't need to go in to see the body, you can be in another room. Poor show from them also not being in contact after.
I hope you're ok op.
I'd personally speak with them and tell them what's been bothering you.
I wouldn't throw it away. I am very much the type to give someone space if they are grieving and so I can see both sides.
Talk to them.
If you are all Irish and in Ireland it is a little odd that they didn't visit the house or even come to the afters. I would make an effort to do those things for people I barely knew, let alone a close friends family. I understand more clearly now why you are hurt (and if was me I would be wondering had I done something to offend them. ).
I still think give them another chance - after that, if they or any one of them still can't be the friend you need then think again.
YABU about them not visiting the house or attending the food and drinks part of the funeral, unless perhaps they were personally close to the deceased family members.
With regard to your daughter's SN, perhaps they didn't want to pry? If a friend mentioned something like that I would feel nosy to seek information on the date of an important appointment and might mention it next time I saw them, or might wait and see if they brought it up.
That does sound odd. But thirty years of friendship is a big thing to throw around. Though I completely get why you're hurt. I have a few friends I've known five plus years and none of them ever ask about either of my girls. Even when I admitted to one I was struggling I haven't heard a word. I know life and kids get in the way but even with three kids two who have severe Sen I do manage to ask after other people.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.