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Punishing my kids for my mistake

(18 Posts)
Chinnychinnychin Tue 25-Oct-16 14:06:07

...is what this feels like.
Dad died a few years ago leaving step mum. I was close to Dad but never got on well with her and since he died we have drifted a bit but it feels quite natural. She's quite an abrasive personality and we are very different in fundamental ways - literally, we are polar opposites.
Anyway a couple of weeks ago she asked amongst other things what dd wanted for her bday. I replied to the other things but forgot to say what dd wanted.
Step mum sent no present or card and when I texted to see if she was ok as unusual to have no phone call/card/present she said that as I hadn't said what to get she'd assumed i didn't want her to send dd a gift! Poor dd was a bit confused as to why she'd not heard anything from Granny.
I'm SO SO fucked off. Feels like I fucked up and Dd gets punished. Would it have been so hard to buy a gift/card/send a text/anything???? AIBU?

chocoholic89 Tue 25-Oct-16 14:09:30

Oh dear Sometimes if I'm clueless on what to get people for bdays I put money in a card. Then they can get what they want, but not even a card? That's not fair.Yanbu.

RiverTam Tue 25-Oct-16 14:11:42

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

FWIW, I have an aunty like this, she is lovely but seems incapable of ever thinking of a present herself, or just sticking some cash or a John Lewis voucher in a card. So if she emails and asks what you want and you forget to reply (as I did this year), you just get a card.

Yanbu, it's a bizarre assumption to make.

m0therofdragons Tue 25-Oct-16 14:14:10

Sounds like she misread your intentions and now you're misreading hers. I would apologise and explain your error and say you still feel she is family even without your df. Unless you don't feel like that in which case why are you upset?

Lunar1 Tue 25-Oct-16 14:16:24

You may need to reassure her that you still want her to be your dd's granny. She might not feel too secure if you don't get in that well.

FATEdestiny Tue 25-Oct-16 14:17:17

It's a bit entitled to expect a present. From anyone.

RiverTam Tue 25-Oct-16 14:22:24

It's not entitled to expect a present from someone who has asked what your DD would like as a present! Jesus, do people even think before they trot this really very tiresome line out?

myownprivateidaho Tue 25-Oct-16 14:27:08

I think that she thought that you were deliberately snubbing her or insinuating that a gift wouldn't be welcome from her. Lack of gift one year is not the end of the world, just continue to work to give her a relationship with your DD.

Chinnychinnychin Tue 25-Oct-16 14:27:35

Hmm. Interesting thought about her being Granny still - I don't know why she'd think that though, we invite her over/meet her somewhere about every 6 months and send presents for her bday, I send her photos of the kids etc...we all work full time so time is always tricky but overall I don't think she'd be concerned that we don't want her per se.

FATEdestiny Tue 25-Oct-16 15:06:36

It's not entitled to expect a present from someone who has asked what your DD would like as a present!

Yes it is.

No need to be rude RiverTam.

reallyanotherone Tue 25-Oct-16 16:34:01

You may need to reassure her that you still want her to be your dd's granny. She might not feel too secure if you don't get in that well.

Agree. She may be insecure and feel you dislike her or only tolerated her for your dad's sake. Do you see her regularly? Is she part of the family? If you've drifted since your dad died she may be feeling unwelcome and not sure if you want her involved in your life.

I get on well with Sdc but if their dad died I'd feel very unsure about whether they wanted to continue the relationship. They only really see me because of their dad, they don't see me because they want to see me, iyswm. Also the whole I am not their mum and don't want to step on mums toes etc. Step parenting is a minefield.

user1474627704 Tue 25-Oct-16 16:59:10

Your kid isn't owed a present from anyone. Especially someone who you aren't related to, you aren't close to, and you don't even like. It's nice when people send presents but they don't have to.

T0ddlerSlave Tue 25-Oct-16 17:30:29

Sounds like your relationship has deteriorated more than you appreciate. I suspect she's thinking if you don't care enough to give her the common courtesy of responding, why should she bother making an effort.

biggles50 Tue 25-Oct-16 19:33:13

Just be truthful, tell her you've re read the text you sent and realise you forgot to answer the present question. Apologise for the misunderstanding, she'd have to be very weird not to accept that.

a7mints Tue 25-Oct-16 19:42:20

I'm SO SO fucked off. Feels like I fucked up and Dd gets punished.

biscuit

RiverTam Tue 25-Oct-16 20:59:04

FATE well, clearly I'm as thick as mince because that makes not one jot of sense to me. Could you explain it please?

monkeywithacowface Tue 25-Oct-16 21:07:08

I agree the there is an underlying tension there and she had misinterpreted you lack of response as a deliberate snub. Maybe you feel that the drifting apart is natural and mutual but she might not feel the same way. It was a PA of her not to send anything at all given that it had been her original intention to do so. I guess you can either go down the route of trying to repair relations and let her know your lack of response was a genuine over sight or you can tell her you're pissed off and that may end any future relationship.

monkeywithacowface Tue 25-Oct-16 21:07:51

Sorry awful typos

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