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To not want anything to do with biological father?

(17 Posts)
girlonthebus Mon 24-Oct-16 20:40:40

Long story as short as possible, I didn't meet my biological father until I was 20 years old due to various reasons. He moved 200 miles away when I was born but has another daughter that lives 5 minutes from me (who I also didn't meet until I was 20) we only met as I always felt I didn't know a part of me. He wasn't so keen asked my mum to get a DNA test (he knew I was his child but was for the benefit of his wife and other daughter). In the end we met and stayed in touch for a couple of years I went up to his to see him for weekends and him and his family would come down to me sometimes too.
The last time I saw him was two years ago at my wedding, we've exchanged text messages every now and again.
Now I've had a baby myself and the immense love I feel for my baby I couldn't imagine ignoring him or not wanting to know him for the first 20 years of his life. It makes me think do I really want to have him in my babies life for him to not bother? My baby is now 4 months old and he hasn't made any effort to want to come and see us? He has text me twice asking for a picture which I've sent.

As I said earlier he has another daughter who lives 5 minutes from me who has a son which he sends money to every birthday and Christmas and goes to visit them. I've not had a card for at least the last 2 years and nothing for my baby which isn't the point but he's not even met him!!!!!

So do I bother to even make an effort with him or flit in and out of our lives angry

I obviously have major dad issues which I also feel immensely guilty about as oh father passed away so please flowers

Longer post than I thought .. think my fingers have burnt how fast I've written this blush

Dontpanicpyke Mon 24-Oct-16 20:44:00

He sounds useless. I can't imagine not being in contact with my kids and grand kids.

You sound lovely op. You think long and hard about what you want to do and then decide.

228agreenend Mon 24-Oct-16 20:46:28

I would probably send him Christmas and birthday cards, but leave the contact at that, and let him do all the running.

Congratulations on your baby.

girlonthebus Mon 24-Oct-16 20:57:32

Thanks guys!! It's crazy how much I love my baby and it's made all of the old feelings about my dad re surface and when he does contact always feel so low!!

I think I have already decided it's nice to hear an outsiders opinion as people have told me to still make an effort hmm

celeste83 Mon 24-Oct-16 21:00:13

Leave the door open. He is your child's father at the end of the day, but it sounds like you have made all the effort so don't go out your way to make things work.

blueturtle6 Mon 24-Oct-16 21:01:09

Pretend he's a distant relation, send cards, but unless he chooses to engage don't make the effort.
Do you keep in contact with half sister, it'd be nice for your ds to know his cousin

Marbleheadjohnson Mon 24-Oct-16 21:02:15

You don't have to do anything. You've given him a chance. My biological dad tried to wedge himself into my life when I was in my mid twenties, having not bothered with me in any way since I was a toddler. People who just didn't understand thought it was sweet of him and I should give him a chance hmm nope.

Your dad is a deadbeat loser, who from the little you have written seems to bring nothing of value to your lofe, he's just a drain. Enjoy your real family, which is your lovely little baby

annielouisa Mon 24-Oct-16 21:06:51

Celeste I think he is the OPs bio father not her DC. I think you should forget the texts unless he gets in contact and maybe just a basic card at Christmas and birthday if you feel inclined but if you don't then just ignore him.

If its too distressing to have him randomly contact you then block his number and enjoy your DC.

BitchQueen90 Mon 24-Oct-16 21:10:16

YANBU I don't see my bio father and never plan to again, he has never met my DS.

You don't owe him anything. A parent is supposed to love and be there for their child.

girlonthebus Mon 24-Oct-16 21:15:16

Yes it's my biological father not my LO, my oh is the most amazing dad!!!

I'm glad you agree, people have said the same to me 'ah that's nice he's sent you a text asking how you are 5 years ago' hmm

It does case a lot of heart ache for me, I sometimes see my half sister maybe once a year and her boy but they seem to not make an effort either, I mean I'll text asking to meet up etc but t never happens .. maybe it's me haha!!! She also hasn't met him after arranging to twice and then just not turning up blush

girlonthebus Mon 24-Oct-16 21:16:24

Bitchqueen you have literally hit the nail on its head, he's the parent!!!!!!!!!!!

minniemoi Mon 24-Oct-16 21:19:51

People that say you should make an effort "because he's still your dad" probably come from 'normal' families
He's not made much effort with you and he's the parent !
I have a similar story except my dad idolised me until he remarried when I was 10 and cut contact. I haven't spoken to him in 25 years. I've got a daughter he knows about from bumping into my gran and he had the cheek to ask her for a photo of my DD. For years I heard that I should contact him because "he's your dad" and I believed that I was the barrier to us having a relationship.
I realise now he can't be bothered making an effort and he opted out a long time ago. His loss as he's missed out on everything and I don't need him.
You have your Ds and partner. You're an adult and you don't need him. It's him that's missing out in the end.

Dontpanicpyke Mon 24-Oct-16 21:19:59

You have made a sucess of your own little family op so you should feel very proud of that.

flowers

girlonthebus Mon 24-Oct-16 21:24:54

Wow thank you all so much for your replies!!! star I've heard a lot of 'he's your dad so contact him' and it really is people from 'normal' families that say this!!

I'm really so relieved at the responses and so glad I'm not the only one thinking he makes no difference to my life!!

Thank you all again it's quite overwhelming <3

Maccapacca88 Mon 24-Oct-16 21:25:18

I've haven't had any deliberate contact with my father since he and my mum divorced when I was 2 and sister was newborn. There were some accidental run-ins as he lived in our town, but nothing instigated by him. I never felt I was missing out. In fact, quite the opposite (not a nice man). I had a period of anger and sadness when my first child was born, but this eventually turned to pity for him. I realised that he must be missing something inside to reject his babies so easily. It now brings me so much joy to watch my partner with our daughter. He is such an amazing daddy and provides us with so much love and stability. I know he would never abandon her. In a bizarre way I think having such a pathetic father has made me really appreciate what I have now and what my daughter has. You need to think honestly about what it will bring to your child to have this man who abandoned his mother in and out of his life. I know what my conclusion would be.

girlonthebus Mon 24-Oct-16 22:12:27

Maccapacca that makes so much sense it really does make you appreciate your partner, mine is such an amazing dad and I could never imagine him abandoning our LO at all!! It's a shame these things happen for us to appreciate what we do and the way we do things

girlinthebus Wed 26-Oct-16 19:57:10

angry so he's got my half sister and her boy going up to his for the week, no one has asked me at all about it and he still hasn't asked about my child!!! I know I should be over it because I've made my decision it's just still really hurts sad

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