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My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

(408 Posts)

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BathshebaKnickerStickers Mon 24-Oct-16 19:46:10

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

yellowfrog Mon 24-Oct-16 19:47:56

Don't feel bad, you couldn't have done anything else.

JellyBelli Mon 24-Oct-16 19:49:53

Of course you are not being unreasonable. There are homeless shelters, and Womens Aid might have been able to fit her in somewhere if she was homeless because of domestic violence. Its not nice having to say no but sometimes you have to do it.

MollyRedskirts Mon 24-Oct-16 19:50:01

It's not your fault. It's not your DH's fault either. It's just one of those shitty things that can't be helped. It's fine to be upset that you couldn't do more.

TheoriginalLEM Mon 24-Oct-16 19:50:10

its sad for your friend but i wouldn't be happy with this either and im not autistic. Hopefully your friend will be able to find help.

maybe direct her to Women's aid who may be able to help her

Daydream007 Mon 24-Oct-16 20:29:02

Don't feel guilty. You couldn't have her at yours as your son couldn't have coped so it's not an option. Women's aid could find her a local safe house if she is homeless due to an abusive partner.

Floggingmolly Mon 24-Oct-16 20:34:01

Your husband, not your son??

elderberryflower Mon 24-Oct-16 20:36:26

Message deleted by MNHQ as we believe it to be disablist. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rochefort Mon 24-Oct-16 20:38:21

How would your dh have reacted? I agree he may not have been happy, but presumably he could have gone upstairs and avoided her. My ds is on the spectrum, doesnt like having people in the house but has to find a way of dealing with it as he has siblings who like to have friends over. Assuming your dh could have held it together and not had a full sutistuc meltdown i would have told him its just something he would have to endure for a night. Life is like that

Rochefort Mon 24-Oct-16 20:39:04

Sustistic? Autustic i mean!

Gazelda Mon 24-Oct-16 20:39:58

Poor woman. But you had no choice. I understand why you feel frustrated at not being able to help her. But you had no choice.

Floggingmolly Mon 24-Oct-16 20:40:59

How does he react when your children have friends round? confused

supercaliforniasurfer Mon 24-Oct-16 20:43:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WannaBe Mon 24-Oct-16 20:44:10

If she's a stranger what do you know about her? I wouldn't have a stranger staying in my house either.
How has she ended up with nowhere to go? No family?

sonlypuppyfat Mon 24-Oct-16 20:44:15

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NavyandWhite Mon 24-Oct-16 20:45:30

Poor friend. Where did she sleep?

Soubriquet Mon 24-Oct-16 20:45:42

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I think there's a bit of misinformation about autism on here... I'm sure if "getting worked up" was all that would happen, OP wouldn't have hesitated to let her friend stay. She clearly knows that her husband's reaction would have been extreme.

BombadierFritz Mon 24-Oct-16 20:48:49

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Mishegoss Mon 24-Oct-16 20:49:49

It's weird to me that his social phobia and autism allow him to work away from home but not allow a homeless lady to sleep on his sofa for one night.. I obviously don't understand the nature of his needs though so I can't really comment on what I would have done. You must have made the right choice knowing your DH.

dinosaursarebisexual Mon 24-Oct-16 20:50:09

Autism only deserves empathy if it's an autistic child? Or are they just getting ' worked up' too?

WannaBe Mon 24-Oct-16 20:50:33

I also think that this isn't so much a friend as acquaintence if op had no idea she was facing eviction until a random phone call.

Giselaw Mon 24-Oct-16 20:50:36

If it's your husband, then of course you have no right to bring someone into his home and cause him stress. It's not selfish of your husband to have a home that he can call selfish. How fucked up to call him selfish.

Cookingongas Mon 24-Oct-16 20:51:00

Bathshe- you had no choice and have offered all you can.a listening ear, caring heart and friendly face mean a lot.

Ignore people saying your dh should have to suck it up- my dh is autistic- it would be impossible to have a stranger in distress with no notice. Dc friends can come over with notice so he can prepare. An unexpected guest without emotional baggage and upheaval- hard but managble. He can't possibly cope with an emotionally charged surprise scenario. His anxiety would be high for weeks- it could result in his remedication. His health is paramount to me.

user1475249801 Mon 24-Oct-16 20:51:24

Message deleted by MNHQ for referencing a post that was deleted for breaking Talk Guidelines.

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