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Aibu or is he? Chronic bloody topic of argument

(14 Posts)
user1473509591 Mon 24-Oct-16 17:09:27

Okay so a little bit of back story. Been with dp 9 years, for two and a bit of those he's worked in a stable job. The rest, he's been chasing dreams while I work and support the household.
Hes naturally taken on the sahd role. The topic of tidying is always an area of contention with us because I'm not the tidiest person. At least, , not to his standards. He's a 'clean as you go' kind of person, I'm more of a 'what the heck is the point of tidying while dc are still up' person. Of course, if it's dirty, it gets cleaned, but I'm pretty laid back and he is not.
The last few months I've had a real mental health relapse and I've been on an antidepressant that helps me sleep. And boy it works. Problem is I really struggle to wake up in the morning so the days I don't have work dp has let me sleep in, usually until 10/11am.
Now, the main part of this aibu is that we cant afford to be a one income household. I'm on that stupid payband where I seem to get taxed so much I don't have enough to live on. And I never wanted him to be a sahd, he quit his job and forced my hand. I'll admit I've quite liked being able to sleep in and have on tap childcare but it's not practical long term. So the usual 'you need to get a job' argument comes up. I feel he's used every excuse in the book to get out of getting one, ranging from 'its sexist to expect the man to provide' to 'life is too short to be in a shit job'. But last night he took it to a whole new level.
He basically said, he's worried about working because he doesn't think I'll be able to run the household properly. He doesn't think I'll keep the house clean, get dc1 to school on time, or even clean their teeth because I don't do it now.
Now, I've been a parent for 5 years. I coped perfectly fine in the whole 13 months he worked since our daughter was born. I do tidy, just not in the way he'd like. At the moment, I'm working a lot to keep our heads above water, and so yes, I'm a little out of tune with the kids routines but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to catch up and take the slack, especially as my mental health is alot better.
Aibu or is he? I feel likes he using excuses to put me down. But do you think he has legitimate concerns?

user1473509591 Mon 24-Oct-16 17:10:56

Oh and also, im only asking him to work part time. So we'll both have to share the housework!

abbsismyhero Mon 24-Oct-16 17:16:32

no i think he is workshy

how old are the children?

ImperialBlether Mon 24-Oct-16 17:17:13

But if he worked, you could afford to get a cleaner in, couldn't you?

It sounds as though he's really lazy and expects you to keep him. I wouldn't be happy with that.

trashcanjunkie Mon 24-Oct-16 17:21:42

Total side track - can I ask which anti-depressants you're getting to help with sleep? Back to the thread.... I think he's being a complete shit saying stuff like that to you.

myownprivateidaho Mon 24-Oct-16 17:26:16

I don't think that he's unreasonable to expect that you will start doing more housework when he starts work.

I also think that he is not unreasonable to suggest that you might not do it to his standards. I say this as a person who also has similar standards to you regarding housekeeping, married to a guy with much higher standards.

But if your MH means that that you are exhausted when you're not working (understandable), and you are also blasé about tidying at the best of times, I can definitely understand that he would worry about being expected to work out of the home and also keep up his current housekeeping duties at the same level.

I think you need to have a non-blaming chat about expectations and how everything would work.

SpeckledyBanana Mon 24-Oct-16 17:27:57


myownprivateidaho Mon 24-Oct-16 17:29:47

Also to be fair to him, if you've been with him for 9 years, he's been a SAHD for the last 5 years, and working for two years and a bit years, he's only had one and a bit years out of 9 not really doing anything much. Doesn't sound like you much appreciated his work as a SAHD which possibly is why he is worried he'll be expected to keep doing it when he's working?

I'm not trying to have a go at you btw as you sound very like me in temperament and you are clearly working hard to do the best for your family.

toptoe Mon 24-Oct-16 17:32:20

Is he scared of going back to work? What did he train to do? Does he have problems when he works with others/working?

You don't know how to clean a child's teeth... Do you manage to clean your own; then you can help a child.

Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel of arguments to justify his position.

I wonder if your MH would also benefit from not having the sole earning responsibility for the family. That is a lot of pressure too (I say that as the main breadwinner - I earn about 90% of the family income).

He is trying to avoid getting a job.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Mon 24-Oct-16 17:37:31

No, I don't think he has a valid point.

I'm a sahm and dh works ft, I have a neurological illness so am often in hospital. Dh is awful at housework and childcare. The last time he looked after the kids, he sent dd(7) into school without a skirt on. All she was wearing on her bottom half was a pair of thick tights!

I still trust dh to run the house when I'm in hospital (I've no choice, mind you), and if my health improves enough for me to work, to share housework. If he doesn't do it properly he can do it again, if I've got stupidly high standards I'll either do it myself or get a cleaner.

So how bad are you op? If you've managed to make sure all your kids were dressed when going to school, I think you are competent grin

user1473509591 Mon 24-Oct-16 17:41:45

To explain his work timeline a bit better, first two years of living together (before kids, I moved in with him into his mums after three months, we were best friends before we got romantic, I was also 17, young dumb and full of and all that) and he claimed job seekers while we were at his mums. We moved into our own place after 8 months. Spent a year or so there before we moved again, I fell pregnant. About 5 months in he got a part time job, (I was still working full time), then when DD was born he got another job and lasted about a year. So he hasn't worked in a proper job for three ish years, didn't work for the first two. And when I went back I went back part time, in the past year or so I've worked full time again. Ide say he's only really properly been in a sahd role for about a year, but prior to my recent mental health issues I was getting up with the kids, and keeping up with the day to day stuff so it was fairly even. He's kept busy in his 'work', the stuff he wants to do even though it's unpaid, which can go through periods of being full time in itself so it's not like he's an utterly devoted sahd and that's all he does.
I appreciate what he does do, but I think he exaggerates what he does and what I don't.

lionsleepstonight Tue 25-Oct-16 09:27:24

I don't understand the argument that if he gets a job, you suddenly will be responsible for the cleaning, the childcare etc. Surely if you are both working all of those tasks are joint responsibilities?
The 'work' timeline you've posted highlights to me he's never been very keen to be in paid employment. These recent excuses are just that, excuses.
I wouldn't be so base to suggest if the pressure of money is reduced then your mental health issues would suddenly disappear. But at least with less pressure on you, it's one less thing to be concerned about, which may help.
I think you may struggle to get him to work though. Does he have any skills?

YouTheCat Tue 25-Oct-16 09:44:10

So he gets a job and you split the household tasks. If he is better at cleaning then let him crack on with that whilst you take on tasks that you're good at, be that cooking or meal planning or whatever.

Tbh, if your child is school age then he needs to get off his arse. Harsh though it is, we can't always 'follow our dreams' and I don't see why you should be the one with the sole responsibility for bringing in the cash.

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