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AIBU to expect hubby to come yo bed at same time at least 4 nights of the week?

(104 Posts)
ilovecakeandbiscuits Mon 24-Oct-16 14:32:15

We have been together for almost 10 years, married for 5. And for the last 5 years or so we go to bed at seperate times. I usually go to be between 9.30pm and 10pm on week days and get up around 7am or when the kids wake.

Hubby goes to bed between 10 and 11pm and gets up 6.20am on week days.

I feel we are drifting apart and have asked him to come to bed at same time at least 4 4 nights a week but he refuses and will only come to bed if he thinks he will get some action.

I miss the closeness and communication that we use to have from just going to bed at same time - we use to spend half hour before going to sleep just chatting and cuddling (and often dtd)

It always ends up with an argument when i ask him to come to bed.

Do you think i am being unreasonable in asking him to join me?

ilovecakeandbiscuits Mon 24-Oct-16 14:33:22

Forgot to add we have 2 boys age 1 & 3 so making other time together is difficult.

ghostyslovesheep Mon 24-Oct-16 14:34:49

why does HE have to come to bed - why don't YOU stay up?

as an adult I'd be peed off if someone was trying to dictate my bedtime to be honest

Gileswithachainsaw Mon 24-Oct-16 14:35:12

Why can't you watch a movie together or something?

Surely by 9.30 kids have been in bed 2 hours or so already. Plenty of time to talk...

Yab a bit u to implement a bed time on an adult

39up Mon 24-Oct-16 14:36:29

I would also be a bit grumpy if DH was setting my bed time like a child. And goodness, I don't think I'd like tossing and turning in bed for an hour, unable to sleep. Maybe set some date nights aside to connect as people or something?

NoFuchsGiven Mon 24-Oct-16 14:37:40

There is no way dp could come to bed the same time as me. I need so much more sleep than him. I am normally in the land of nod by 10 (most nights tbh I fall asleep on sofa and he covers me and wakes me up when he goes to bed) he doesn't go to bed till sometimes 1.30 - 2am.

Yanbu to ask him but he is also nbu to say no.

Trifleorbust Mon 24-Oct-16 14:38:01

I think it's unreasonable for him to be the only one to change his habits, but I don't think what you want (more closeness) is unreasonable. How about at least one night a week where he adapts to your bedtime and one night a week where you adapt to his?

Isawthepigsfly Mon 24-Oct-16 14:38:20

My DP tried this with me and was told in no uncertain terms that I was an adult and could regulate my own bedtime. Why would I go to bed at 9.30 for him to fall asleep and me to toss and turn until all out midnight?

He's accepted it now. He either stays up later with me or trots of to bed to sleep if he's tired. If I'm tired (third trimester so getting more frequent) I'll say I'm off to bed. He comes if he's tired and stays up if he's not.

You can't put an adult on a bedtime regardless of how much you'd like to go to bed at the same time. Why don't you stay up late a couple of nights?

Xuli Mon 24-Oct-16 14:38:25

It's understandable that you miss the closeness. But it's not entirely down to him to change. You're having 9 hours in bed (not that I blame you, I'd take 9 hours too if I could), why can't you stay up late once in a while?

Gottagetmoving Mon 24-Oct-16 14:41:48

We go to bed at different times. He says up until around midnight and I go at half past ten or eleven.
In the early days we used to go together more often but I was saying up later than I really wanted to.
I used to moan about him staying up late but it was a waste of time and just caused arguments so I just stopped moaning.
We are both happier now I have stopped trying to dictate when he should go to bed. You can cuddle up and be close without going to bed to do it

Gottagetmoving Mon 24-Oct-16 14:42:53

Staying! Not saying....

KondosSecretJunkRoom Mon 24-Oct-16 14:44:21

Ah, this happened to us when we were in the thick of it when ds1 & 2 were the same age as your children.

Dh would relish the quiet of later nights, I needed to sleep early to get through the next day and between those two positions we went to bed at different times and missed the intimacy of smuggling in bed together at the end of the day.

In the end, our compromise was watching movies in bed together. We got that time in bed together and I just fell asleep and he finished watching the telly.

It was just for a year or so and we kind of recalibrated as the kids got older.

KondosSecretJunkRoom Mon 24-Oct-16 14:45:22

Smuggling grin nowhere near that exciting, unfortunately

Soubriquet Mon 24-Oct-16 14:45:37

Yes yabu

Stay up with him if you want that closeness

Stick a film on and have a cuddle if you must

But you can't insist someone goes to bed

ilovecakeandbiscuits Mon 24-Oct-16 14:47:09

Wow... didnt expect the responses im getting, thanks for being honest.

I have tried staying up but i literally fall asleep on the sofa... mainly down to boredom i guess.
We do watch films but he never wants to sit close with me ( i have tried so many times but he always says something like 'your too close go sit the other end of the sofa') or he sits watching mountain bike videos on the tablet

The other thing is that no matter how quietly he tries to sneak into bed later it always wakes me up just after i get into a deep sleep.

wandarises Mon 24-Oct-16 14:47:57

I'm a night owl and going to bed at 9.30pm would be far too early for me (it's rare for me to fall asleep before midnight). I don't think it's fair to dictate anyone's bed time (well apart from your dc!). DH goes to bed much earlier than me. I have compromised however as it did affect how often we dtd, so some nights now I go to bed when he does, and then sometimes get up and finish some work once he's gone to sleep, or sometimes I stay in bed but catch up on reading on my kindle. I suppose I do have some expectation that we'll dtd as well, but then DH is more than willing to oblige grin.

FlyingElbows Mon 24-Oct-16 14:48:43

You cannot seriously expect to dictate to another adult that they should go to bed at 9.30! You needed find another way of addressing your closeness issue which is a very genuine and understandable point. Telling him he has to go to bed like one of the children will not end well!

cricketballs Mon 24-Oct-16 14:49:15

DH and I are like this but in our case, DH is usually in bed at 9, whilst I go up around 11ish. When I do go to bed at the same time, as I only need around 6 hours I end up being wide awake at about 3/4 in the morning

He is an adult therefore you can not dictate

Mittensonastring Mon 24-Oct-16 14:49:53

I sleep very badly so rarely go to bed when DH does as I just lay awake and am restless.

Honestly give and take required here how about you stay up later a couple of nights a week, he goes up earlier a couple and then you have three nights when you do what you both want. He may also require time alone, I know I do.

TwentyCups Mon 24-Oct-16 14:50:35

YABU. my partner often gets back from work only 3/4 hours before I get up again. If you're both actually home in the evenings then u have time to spend with each other then. Considering the minimal difference in your bed times you could always try staying up a bit later, since it is you who wants to go at the same time. I couldn't sleep unless I was ready, so it's unfair to ask him to go to bed before he's ready.

PersianCatLady Mon 24-Oct-16 14:50:56

why does HE have to come to bed - why don't YOU stay up?
This

Cherrysoup Mon 24-Oct-16 14:53:56

Little bit worrying that he wants you to sit at the other end of the sofa to him and makes you move. I wouldn't dictate my DH's bedtime: he's an adult. He tried to tell me to come up at the same time, but when I'm on holiday, I sleep late, go to bed later. I'm a grown up too.

ilovecakeandbiscuits Mon 24-Oct-16 14:55:00

@xuli i wish it was 9 hours of actual sleeping... one of the boys will often wake in the night (usually my just 3 year old wanting to get up to go for a wee) so i get up to help him. I never get 9 hrs of uninterupted sleep.

myownprivateidaho Mon 24-Oct-16 14:55:27

I think going to bed at the same time is a great idea, but you could go to bed at 11 and still get 8 hours. I can understand why he doesn't want to "lose" an hour of his day with an extra hour in bed.

user1477282676 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:55:40

Also, I wouldn't want to sit close to my DH at night either! I like and need my own space.

Having said that, I think he should make an effort sometimes...perhaps ask him if you could have a night once a week which is couples night or something less corny sounding! And this night is for being together...sitting together and talking etc.

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