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To cut them out of my life completely?

(19 Posts)
Neverknowing Mon 24-Oct-16 14:27:42

I don't think I am but I'm wondering if I just need someone to shake me and tell me I'm being petty?!
Im pregnant with my first child and am having a cesarean on Thursday, my parents love the idea of becoming grandparents but have just put me down the whole time. PIL have been so amazing and have helped us get our flat into shape by helping us decorate for baby coming and clear out old stuff so it'd be nice. My parents extended no help and would always be negative about our flat saying we should move out and it's gross (even though the things they we're pointing out we were working on fixing and managed to do so) they've been so unhelpful and even mean to me and my DP about it. My dad has literally refused to help in anyway and last week came to me and had a massive go at me saying that I HAD to stay at his house when my LO is born and that our flat and my partner are disgusting. He also said if I didn't listen to him he would 'grab my partner by the throat and beat it into him' and saying that he clearly didn't love me anyway (which comes from nowhere my DP has done everything right) I've been absolutely devastated for the past week and am struggling to look forward to the birth of my daughter as I feel like a failure.
My DM feels the same and has given me equally no support, she wasn't involved in the argument I had with my dad but I feel like I want to just cut them both out and start afresh? I feel like I have to protect my DP from my dad now and I know my mum doesn't approve of him too, it makes me feel awkward to be in a room with them all as they're so awful. It's been really hard as I've always been close to my parents and I know my dads suffering not talking to me as I'm all he really has and the idea of not seeing my baby is killing my mum too but I feel I have enough real and supportive people that I need to cut them out for mine and my daughters sake?
Sorry for the long post I'm trying to get everything out in one confused

Nanny0gg Mon 24-Oct-16 14:30:17

Sounds awful, but do they have a point?

formerbabe Mon 24-Oct-16 14:33:40

I know my mum doesn't approve of him too

Why doesn't your mum approve of him?

Neverknowing Mon 24-Oct-16 14:34:14

I think in honesty they hate my flat because it's a flat. They want me to have a house and are being snobby ? My flat wasn't in great shape, we never decorated but now we have and I'm proud of it now.
Also my partner is 'less attractive' than me which is why they're being horrible about him, the funny thing is that he treats me amazingly and does everything right.
Thank you for making it through my long post btw grin

Neverknowing Mon 24-Oct-16 14:56:00

Also, apparently dad is upset I haven't spoken to him but hasn't tried to reach out to me once?

KoalaDownUnder Mon 24-Oct-16 15:02:01

I think it would be hasty to make such a huge decision right now.

They're your parents. They've been loving and close up until now. Something unpleasant is going on, but I think you need to let this play itself out a bit.

Cutting them out of their grandchild's life will have huge repercussions and is not easily reversed.

BitchPeas Mon 24-Oct-16 15:02:21

So the only reason they don't like him is because he's less attractive than you? shock

myownprivateidaho Mon 24-Oct-16 15:06:06

It's hard to know really. I think there are more shitty partners than uncaring parents in the world, so on the balance of probability I think it's more likely your parents have your best interests at heart and have reasons not to like your DP (rightly or wrongly idk).

But ultimately if you know that you will feel safer and happier recovering in your own home than at your parents house then you must do that.

Honestly unless there are massive other issues with your parents, no, I wouldn't cut them off because of this. Your child deserves a relationship with them, and you may well need their support one day. However, it seems that you should be firm about their involvement. Can you get your mum to have a word with your dad?

Neverknowing Mon 24-Oct-16 15:16:52

Thanks guys, it is a massive step to stop them seeing my daughter and I don't want her to not have a good relationship because I'm angry. I really don't know how to deal with the situation though.

ohfourfoxache Mon 24-Oct-16 15:21:05

Please don't think I'm being a drama llama but if there is any chance that your dad will become violent then you need to report it to the police

PoppyBirdOnAWire Mon 24-Oct-16 15:23:44

I think they have been very unsupportive and not at all as I would expect parents - or indeed anyone - to you. Your partner's parents sound like kind people. Focus your attention in them.

PoppyBirdOnAWire Mon 24-Oct-16 15:24:47

to behave towards you

on them

SheepyFun Mon 24-Oct-16 15:25:13

I assume you'll be going back to the flat after you've had your daughter?

DiscoMike Mon 24-Oct-16 15:39:44

My father always said that his role as a father with his DC's partners was not to be part of the Selection Committee, but rather as head of the Welcoming Party.

Sounds like your dad is struggling to adjust to you not being under his control anymore, that you are independent, spending time with your inlaws and moving on forming your own new family. You could give him time to get used to it - you could give him one last chance. However if your FIL threatened you with violence, what would you expect your DP to do?

Neverknowing Mon 24-Oct-16 15:42:42

I highly doubt my dad would actually be violent I'm just scared and I don't want DP to know that they don't like him!! Which I think is why I feel so isolated because he doesn't know why I'm not talking to my parents.

JellyBabiesSaveLives Mon 24-Oct-16 15:43:35

Well, leave your dad to it. If he misses you that much he can get in touch. At that point you tell him that Dp is the first man in your life now and you need his assurance that he will be polite and civilised to him and about him, otherwise you, your dp and your baby won't be seeing him.

Your mum - be polite, require her to be polite to and about you and dp, don't put yourself out for her - you can put the same amount of effort into the relationship as she does. Cutting them out will create a lot of drama - easier to quietly pull back.

However, do you feel that they like you? Love you? Approve of you? You're not just a baby-machine. Selfish unloving parents make selfish unloving grandparents. If your mum is only upset because she might not see your baby, rather than because she might not see her baby (you) then I'd be backing off a little more strongly!

JellyBabiesSaveLives Mon 24-Oct-16 15:46:34

Oh heck, don't let them drive a wedge between you and your dp. Be honest with him! You may well need dp to protect you from their horribleness next week. He needs to know. Perhaps he won't want his daughter seeing people who feel like that about her father?

SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies Mon 24-Oct-16 15:47:57

So your parents 'put you down', threatened to grab my partner by the throat and beat it into him' and has offered no support.

Right. This behaviour which is nasty, emotionally abusive and one step from being followed through into violence which will not be doing you any good at all at this time.

Forget anything about him and your DM at the moment and focus on yourself, your DP and baby. They have to accept that they cannot control you, that you have a life elsewhere, and that how you live your life - in a flat or wherever- is absolutely nothing to do with them.
If you want them to play a part in your lives then they have to earn it with good behaviour. First sign of reverting back to their nasty ways - just refuse to accept it, stop their negative behaviour NOW. If they don't - or won't - then cut them out.

Sounds harsh but believe me, if you don't, your DF will think he can carry on putting you down, telling you how to live your life, bullying you , and all the rest.

I watched a friend go through all this - took he more than fifty years to break free of them - don't let the same happen to you.

flowers Wishing you and your DP joy with your new baby.

RatherBeRiding Mon 24-Oct-16 15:56:12

Regardless of whether or not your parents approve of your home or your DP - these are choices you have made and their reaction is appalling, like they are trying to bully you into doing and behaving they way they want, rather than supporting your choices.

Your DF's reaction and threats are way, way, way out of order. Unless your DP is a drug dealer or something - if it's just that they think you could "have done better" they need to mind their own business.

For now I would concentrate on you, your home, your DP and your baby, but be clear to your parents that you will not listen to any more threats or bad-mouthing of your home, your DP and your choices - then the ball is in their court. If they are SO hurt and upset by your distance, they have the power to do something about it. But it's not up to you to court them or their approval.

And be honest with your DP - if he is trying to encourage you to play happy families with your parents because he doesn't know just what they've been saying about him, it's a bit unfair on him.

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