AIBU to say child should stick with first arrangement and not turn down for better offer

[ChocolateWombat]

So, we have arranged for a family with kids to come over for a day in November. We are friends with the adult and our DD is friends with their kids and has been for years, in terms of us spending time together as 2 families. It's been quite difficult to find a date that works for us all.

Now DD has received an invitation to a friends birthday party mid afternoon on the same day. She would love to go, but it would mean taking her away from home straight after lunch and leaving the 2 kids of the visiting family without a 'host child' if you see what I mean.

I feel it's an important lesson to learn that we stick with our original arrangements and don't blow people out when a better offer comes along. Realise it's a bit tricky when children don't always make their own arrangements, but think it's an important lesson to learn. Do you think I've been unreasonable and DD should be allowed to go?

[BarbarianMum]

YANBU In the situation you describe it would be really rude for your dd to attend the party.

[KoalaDownUnder]

YANBU.

Who thinks you are?! (DH?)

[Ratbagcatbag]

It's a tough one. Is she friends just because the adults are? Or would she do things with them anyway?

[redskytonight]

Hmm, tricky one. Generally if we have visitors and it clashes with a party, I will say the DC can't go. However ...

... is DD genuinely friends with the visiting DC? Or more a case that you are friends with the parents and the DC will muddle along ok. If the latter, then it's not really DD's arrangement that she's breaking.

... how old is DD and how close is the friend? If she's 6 and it's a random child in the class, then party is definitely out. If she's 13 and it's her best friend then I'd want to be looking at an alternative.

... how long is the party - any option of her going for an hour or so, so she's still about for most of the day?

[SoupDragon]

That's a tricky one because the first arrangement is yours, not your DDs.

[PinkyOfPie]

YANBU, I think it's basic manners that you don't just go with the better offer when plans have already been made with others

[Finola1step]

My ds' best friend missed his party last year for the very same reason. They already had family friends visiting and that was that. Both boys were fine. His bf came out with us for a pizza on another day instead.

You are absolutely right. First invite trumps others. Even if it is you best friend.

[myownprivateidaho]

I think it also depends on the nature of the family day out. If it is basically an excuse for the parents to get together without having to worry about a babysitter (e.g. pub lunch), then I think it's fine for her to duck out. If it's organised for the kids' benefit mostly (e.g. zoo, theme park etc), then she should stick with it.

[SaucyJack]

I think you're being U.

It's your arrangement, and your friends. Stick a DVD on for the other kids after lunch, or take them to the park.

[MyGiddyUncle]

I think YABU too. Like a pp said, this is your arrangement, not your dd's.

So technically, the important lesson you'll be teaching is that your plans are more important than hers.

[ChocolateWombat]

DD is 9. Her friendship with the kids in the other family is due to the family friendship, but she gets on well with their kids and enjoys their company.

It's a day where they come over to our house for a meal. After the family lunch, the kids will play in her room and we might go for a family walk. It would seem a bit off for those guest children to have to play in her room without her and to just be left with the adults, or a bit off to let them play in her room with her stuff whilst she isn't there. And wouldn't be so fun for them to go on a walk without her - they will be looking forward to the chance to play with another child and not just their siblings. That said, the friend from school having the party is a pretty good friend and a friend of choice.

I'm feeling more like I'm doing the right thing actually. I'm trying to think about it from our guests' view and just know they would feel a bit disappointed if having made an arrangement to spend the day together, she then isn't there for much of it. Would seem rude and as if we put them 2nd. I don't want to make people feel like that, as I wouldn't like it myself. So I think it's just one of those things. I don't like it when people cancel on me because they've had a better offer, or try to shoehorn too many things into a day so they can't spend the full day with me that we planned, or keep asking to change dates because a better offer has come along. Even if it's hard for a child, I think the sooner they learn to treat people well the better.
Sorry, answering my own question now!

[cansu]

Kids dont make the arrangements so she does not get a say really. You have another arrangement which involves whole family and therefore other invite is declined. It would b v rude for other family to arrive and your dd to be off at a party. Cant see the issue. If you esp want to appease her and it is s special friend arrange something else like pizza for two of them on another day.

[SaucyJack]

"Would seem rude and as if we put them 2nd. I don't want to make people feel like that, as I wouldn't like it myself."

But you're fine with putting your DC second?

Your circus, your monkeys I s'pose

[Binglesplodge]

I think I'd feel differently about this if the visiting family had only one child, but as the visiting children will be quite capable of amusing themselves and have each other for company, I'd be inclined to let your daughter go to her friend's party.

[followTheyellowbrickRoad]

I would ask the other parents and see what say.

[redskytonight]

Trouble is that if she's 9 (are your friends' DCs similar age?) she's getting to the age where she'll want to pick her own friends rather than just playing with other children that happen to be about.

I remember being taken to visit my parents' friends when I was a child and being left to play with their children. It was fine when we were young, but as we got older it was mostly a case of having to make the best of each others' company. I would have had no problem at all with my parents' friends children not being there.

So I'd personally find out

• if DD cares whether she is there or not
• if friends' DC care whether she is there or not

It may be an elaborate exercise you are going through for politeness's sake when actually it's just the adults that want to get together.

[seagreengirl]

But you're fine with putting your DC second?

Often when you have visitors the DC are put second surely, it's just good manners. Children have to learn to cope with a little bit of disappointment.

[AmeliaJack]

You're busy, of course she doesn't go to the party!

We've had this exact circumstance and we declined the party invitation.

Life did not end.
Friendships were not damaged. Child understood and was not resentful.

[NoIsAnAnswer]

I would decline the invite to the party but get your daughter to make or write a card for her if she's a good friend.

You could arrange a play date with your dd and birthday girl soon after or before.

I'd stick with the original plans

[Pineapplemilkshake]

I'd let DD go to her friend's party. It's your arrangements she's breaking, not her own.

[minipie]

Usually I'm very much of the view that if you've accepted a prior invitation you stick with it. However as pp have said, she didn't make the prior arrangement so the same rule doesn't quite apply.

Is there any way the other family could come to you earlier in the day, say 9am and then leave after lunch? That way the kids can play pre lunch and DD can go to the party... If they are very good friends perhaps they won't mind if you suggest that?

[KoalaDownUnder]

Even if it's hard for a child, I think the sooner they learn to treat people well the better.

I agree.

I also don't agree with the logic of 'it's your arrangements, not hers'.

She's a child, you get to make arrangements for her, and to stick to them. That's how it works.

[SaucyJack]

"She's a child, you get to make arrangements for her, and to stick to them. That's how it works."

I don't necessarily disagree.... We've all done it as parents I'm sure.

Just have the balls to admit you're playing the "I'm the grown up and I get to decide" card.

She didn't make the arrangements with your mate.

[bumsexatthebingo]

YANBU. Stick with the first arrangement. Presumably someone would have to ferry your dd to and from the party so it wouldn't even just be dd ducking out.

[gleam]

'Our original arrangements' - um, not really. Yours and the other adult's perhaps. I don't suppose your dd arranged it.
If she had, no doubt she'd rearrange it.

So, yes, just a case of suck it up, buttercup for your dd.