Pregnant and DH left me alone for the night.

[summerskittles91]

So last week I was admitted into hospital for hypermesis and extreme dehydration. DH knew how serious it was.

Saturday (I was back home from hospital) - (as I live with inlaws) they all went to stay the night in another city at my sister in laws parents. DH was meant to stay back with me. He went out at 6:30pm and came back at 2:00am.

He couldn't understand why id be so upset that he left me alone. his only way to make up for it was to have sex with me the following afternoon and like an idiot i went along with it because i can't deal with another argument and now i just feel stupid for letting myself down. I don't really know why I'm posting here I just feel so down. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I haven't been depressed before so I don't know if I am but i just constantly feel down, all i want to do is sleep and the extreme pregnancy sickness is really getting me down. it's affecting mine and DH's relationship as well with my inlaws who i live with. I don't really know what to do. I know AIBU to have sex with him for the sake of not dealing with another argument but how do i explain to him he is BU for having left me for the night.

[Astro55]

Didn't want to read and run - but it depends on what the rest if your relationship is like

Are you planning a house move?
Did you ask him to stay? How did he tell you he was going?

[ImperialBlether]

What was he doing in that time?

His apology for leaving you alone when you weren't well was to have sex with you? Is he mad?

[summerskittles91]

no house move planned.. I'd been in bed most of the afternoon and was pretty much in tears constantly with a severe headache and just feeling unwell. he told me he was going out to see his mates and would be back 'soon' I didnt really say anything as he'd dismissed the fact that i was obviously upset. he got into bed stinking of alcohol and tried to cuddle but i just moved him away, he got annoyed, turned around and went to bed.

[DollyBarton]

I think it's very common for partners not to quite 'get' how bad you are feeling and how lonely and depressed pregnancy can make you. My DH is a darling and would do anything for me but he wasn't feeling like I was physically and mentally throughout my pregnancies so would occasionally do stuff that I simply wasn't able for like go out etc when I didn't want him to. Now the reality is that there isn't a major reason from what I can see why your dp shouldn't have gone out with his family till 2am other than you wanted his company and were feeling crap and wanted him there with you. So it's difficult. All you can do is ask him for his help and consideration but you also need to understand he is not sick and probably not feeling low like you are so will sometimes want to go out when you don't. Unfair and all as that seems. I always went to bed early and watched box sets till I inevitably fell asleep by 9pm so there was little point in DH being there other than as a comfort for me.

Regarding the sex issue, you need to communicate about that when you do and don't want sex. I'm assuming he didn't push it on you and in that case one of the responsibilities of being in an adult relationship is to be clear when you do and don't want sex. If it causes an argument then he actually is an asshole. There's no way he should react like that at any time but especially when you are ill and exhausted with pregnancy.

You need to communicate and if your dp is a decent guy who just doesn't get it, he will try to understand what you are going through. If he doesn't even try, well you have bigger problems I'm afraid.

[LadyConstanceDeCoverlet]

It depends on how your sickness affects you. When I had it, my DH was out at work during the day so I was left on my own for around 10 hours at a time. To be honest, there was very little he could have done to help me as all I wanted to do was lie down. But if you need more care than that, HWBU.

[Diamogs]

"his only way to make up for it was to have sex with me the following afternoon and like an idiot i went along with it because i can't deal with another argument" - OP this is worrying that you feel that you have to have sex with him to avoid an argument.

When I was pregnant XH had to work away during the week so I was used to getting on with stuff by myself and with the extreme tiredness / hyperemesis was quite happy to be left to sleep and do my own thing, so him going out wouldn't bother me, but if it has upset you and it makes you feel down then you need to talk to him about it so that he can be more supportive.

[redskytonight]

If you felt that bad, I think you needed to say to your DH "I'm really sorry but I'm feeling like xyz right now, can you go and see your mate another time?"

Or alternatively you could text/ring him during the evening and say "I feel awful, please can you come home".

I think it's a bit unreasonable for him to spontaneously realize how you feel. I can see (for example) that my DH might think that I'd like to be left on my own for some peace and quiet so I could rest if I didn't tell him otherwise.

[shovetheholly]

I can't believe your DP's behaviour. I'm outraged on your behalf.

Of course he shouldn't have left you, and especially not just to go out with friends. I don't buy bloody excuses about him not knowing how bad you felt - the fact that you were very recently back from HOSPITAL would have been more than enough to tell him that you needed company. Instead, he's done the selfish thing and headed out. The fact that you're having to explain this to him bodes pretty ill, I'm afraid.

[Liiinoo]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

In itself I don't think him going out with his mates was a terrible thing to do. You have told us things aren't great at home so he probably needed to let off steam. However as astro55 said it depends what the rest of your relationship is like. If he is usually supportive then the occasional lads night out is fine. If however this is just one of a long list of man-child, uncaring incidents then you may have a problem.

[summerskittles91]

I work full time but obviously in hospital last week. DH also works during the day and is away from the early hours. The only time we have together is on weekends, he had text during the day to say he'd stay with me because he knew I wasn't feeling well. When he said he was going out, i didnt really know what to say. It just felt like he knew everyone else was away so he could just go enjoy himself. I haven't been home alone by myself by the 2 and half years we've married so felt anxious about that as well. Communicating with DH has always been difficult, he can be quite selfish and our relationship hasn't even been a priority for him so i don't really know why I'm surprised he'd do this.

[Sixisthemagicnumber]

Did you want to have sex with him?

[summerskittles91]

Sixisthemagicnumber he kept instigating it and i kept saying no, but then i knew if i didn't he'd just strop about that instead

[Chumpster]

I think you should go and talk to your GP about how you're feeling moodwise. Maybe write things down before you go in, so you are prepared with what to say.
When I'm feeling bad I quite enjoy the peace and quiet of a night to myself, especially being able to have a really early night. Perhaps you could have a think about the kind of things you need to feel relaxed/bit better - bath, books, TV. And then if DH wants to go out you can plan yourself a nice night in (if that;s possible with the horrible sickness). But I know sometimes you just need someone to look after you, so I think you need to talk to DH to explain this and how you are worried you're getting depressed. Hopefully he will get it and be more supportive. It might take a while though... I think some blokes find it really difficult to understand what it can feel like to be pregnant and sick, especially if they are not very sensitive. Take care of yourself and make sure you speak to GP about depression.

[JoJoSM2]

I think you need to be a bit more assertive and communicate your expectations. Otherwise, you'll keep on getting more upset and resentful.

[QueenArseClangers]

"he kept instigating it and i kept saying no, but then i knew if i didn't he'd just strop about that instead"

Darling, that's what is called sexual coercion. And assault.
Is there anyone you could speak to about this in real life?

[Sixisthemagicnumber]

So, based on your reply to my question: he pressured you into having sex when you had said you didn't want to and you relented to avoid an argument. I think this is a much bigger issue than him staying out until 2am. He doesn't respect you because if he did he would have accepted it when you said no.

[trulybadlydeeply]

There seems to be a lot more going on here other than the fact he went out for the evening.

You say that your relationship hasn't been a priority for him - then what are the priorities in his life? Is he happy that you are pregnant?

Are you happy in the relationship? You say you have no plans to move into a house of your own, which is absolutely fine if you are all happy with the arrangement, but you say that your ill health has put a strain on the relationship with the in-laws, what's going to happen when you add a newborn into the mix? You both work so are you staying with them so you can save for a deposit?

You were anxious because you had never been alone in the house since you have been married? Now i know not everyone like's their own company (for me, it's bliss) but you do sound overly anxious about it. What about before you got married - did you live alone then? I think a bit of time alone to think, have peace, space to be yourself is vital for good mental health. As a PP suggested, think of a few things you could do whilst by yourself and really enjoy - book/DVD/ bath etc.

The pestering for sex does not sound good. No said once should mean no, then he can sort himself out if he needs to. He needs to appreciate how you are feeling. Is there anything about this relationship that makes you happy? What attracted you to him and made you want to marry him?

[shovetheholly]

" he kept instigating it and i kept saying no, but then i knew if i didn't he'd just strop about that instead"



This just gets worse! Seriously, OP, that's NOT OK!

[summerskittles91]

I live with DH, his parents, his brother, his wife and their two children. DH said even before we got married that he'd like to always stay with his parents. I agreed at the time, i just didnt realise how it would be in reality.

We had an arranged marriage, it was not forced or anything, we got to know each other before we both agreed.

[Sixisthemagicnumber]

Would moving out now be a possibility? It might get worse when the baby comes along and your Inlaws want to take over and tell you how to look after your baby.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

The coerced sex is awful. Just after you left hospital and feeling ill you must have felt very vulnerable having your husband bullying you for sex. He doesn't sound like a very supportive husband. What are his family like? If things get bad, can you go and stay with your parents? I find it really hard to believe he/they just left you alone.

[summerskittles91]

Mummyoflittledragon
they had planned the trip about a week ago, before i went hospital. MIL had said i should stay at my parents whilst they all go. When DH said he would stay behind i thought he'd be home with me, otherwise i would have gone to my parents (despite them not knowing id been in hospital)

[Mellowmarsh]

Could you talk to women's aid? You sound like you could be in an abusive relationship. If you are anxious about one night alone that is not a good sign. If you are unhappy with your in laws but he insists you live with them, that is not respecting you. If you let him have sex with you because you fear his reaction if you say no, that is abuse and possibly rape.
It sounds like there is a lot going on and this latest incident is the tip of the iceberg.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

In isolation the going out seems ok.

The rest of it doesn't. He sounds like a bellend.

[AyeAmarok]

The going out wouldn't bother me, I'd probably rather be left alone to rest or sleep.

Being so worried about being in your home alone is not reasonable for an adult, unless there is a backstory with that?

The sex thing is really bad. What would he have done if you had said no? Why do you think it would be an argument? Does he often pressurise you into sex?