AIBU to even consider having another child...

(8 Posts)
FunnysCousinNotFunny Mon 24-Oct-16 10:43:44

I'm worried this is going to be garbled, but I'll try and be clear.

I have DD10 from a previous relationship. She has high anxiety levels and other issues. We're currently waiting for a potential ASD diagnosis.

I had cancer and fertility preserving surgery to remove it a few years ago.

I've been in a new relationship for 3 years.

I'm 38.

I've always wanted more than one child, but had resigned myself to the idea that it would be too difficult (poss conception/pregnancy/birth problems after surgery) and that there would be too big a gap between my DD and the next child.

My career that's been stalled for years might be about to actually take off which will mean more investment (time/commitment level) from me.

My DP seemed to have no huge desire to have children of his own

However, we had a long conversation last night, and it seems that now we're settled and in a relationship that we both think will go the distance he's feeling somewhat differently. Being committed to both me and my DD means he feels like he's in a position where having a child would be a good thing to do and being around my DD makes him feel like he would like to do the whole parenting thing. Before he had a lifestyle he didn't feel suited kids, so would have been irresponsible to have one, but now he's in a family setup he feels differently.

I'm really shaken. I'd put my 'want more children, many more children' feelings in a box marked 'Unavailable to you, crack on woman, and be happy with what you have', which is what I've been doing. I'd even managed to convince myself that there were loads of advantages to no more children - financially, getting to do grown up stuff again, getting on with actually having a career, but now I can all but feel my ovaries twanging.

Also, I've always wanted my DD to have a sibling/s. She's always wanted one and I have a very small family with no other children it. She does have grown up siblings on her dad's side but they are over 20 years older than her, so it's a very different relationship. But then, any putative sibling would be at least 11 years younger.

I don't know what I am asking. Probably whether it's madness to have such a big gap, or commit to 30 years of child management in total. Is 38 a good age to have a baby? Would my DD really like the reality of a troublesome baby v the idea of having a sibling? Would their relationship when they're adults be good with such an age gap? Am I being super selfish in wanting another baby when I should be concentrating on my DD? Would she feel slightly excluded from it however hard I try? I know no one can answer those questions - I guess I'm just interested in any similar experiences.

So long. So sorry!

JoJoSM2 Mon 24-Oct-16 10:50:12

Your partner seems to have taken you by surprise with the suggestion. I think you need time to have a think. You're not too old, in a committed relationship with a willing partner. I can't see a reason not to try although you need to think it though first.

blinkineckmum Mon 24-Oct-16 10:56:13

You both want a child and dd wants a sibling. Do it.

Liskee Mon 24-Oct-16 11:16:54

I've just had DS2 aged 39 so don't think your age is a big factor. However, my DC1 isn't 2 yet so we're in the young family groove, an age gap like yours could be a major culture shock. Babies are hard work remember!! But if DD is up for it she's the perfect age to help out which would be great for everyone!!

My youngest sister is just 11 years younger than me and we have a great relationship. I have a number of friends who also have sisters and there's a similar age gap and a great bond. I have no idea if it would be the same if we all had brothers with a similar age gap though.

SheldonCRules Mon 24-Oct-16 14:05:23

Personally for me in those circumstances it would be a no. Your daughter needs you at the moment and a baby would mean little time for her.

The relationship of step parent can also dramatically change when a biological child comes along so that could mean even more anxiety and change for her.

Lastly, all the siblings I know with large age gaps have little in common and are not close. Many end up as free babysitters and resent the child for curtailing their freedom.

FunnysCousinNotFunny Mon 24-Oct-16 18:10:08

Those are all the things that are worrying me Sheldon.

myownprivateidaho Mon 24-Oct-16 18:18:37

Honestly, I think that since you previously felt like having a second child was not the right thing, the fact that your DP now wants one is not a good enough reason to change your mind.

It seems like your career and your DD's needs are both good reasons not to have another child and the reasons to do so seem weaker.

Being committed to both me and my DD means he feels like he's in a position where having a child would be a good thing to do and being around my DD makes him feel like he would like to do the whole parenting thing.

Can't he do the "whole parenting thing" with DD? It sounds a bit like he wants a child to cement the relationship or something. I don't know. This reason does sound potentially excluding to your DD, yes.

Also although I think that a sibling can be valuable, I think that the big age gap means that a lot of the benefits of a sibling would not be there. Not that there is no value, just that I think that this would weigh less on me.

slenderisthenight Mon 24-Oct-16 19:10:26

YABU to ask complete strangers about a decision that you and only you can make!

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Of course you can do it if you are willing to pay the price. Of course it can work.

All the families I know with big age gaps have very loved and cherished little ones, especially where the older sibling has always wanted this.

I don't see why you'd have 'little' time for your DD if you had a baby though. Does everyone with more than one child have 'little' time for each child? I thought it was called family life. confused

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