To feel I owe people a big wedding?

[LeeFiora]

Over the years I've been to many absolutely lovely weddings. Big affairs at wonderful venues with free-flowing champagne, endless food and so on.

Now it's finally my turn to plan my wedding and I feel I owe everyone a wedding on the scale of those I have attended.

There's a part of me that quite likes the idea of booking somewhere gorgeous and treating all my friends and family but there's a much bigger part of me that balks at the idea of being the centre of attention. Even when we go out with friends I hate it when I accidentally say something that everyone listens to and I feel quite sick with shame when I think back on it. Friends have told me that it's wonderful to have everyone together though and I'll love I when the day finally comes.

Also, the mercenary part of me doesn't want to spend a fortune on a day I have no real desire to experience anyway.

But then I'd feel terrible having enjoyed so many people's hospitality over the years just to completely discout them when planning my wedding.

So AIBU to feel I owe people a big wedding?

[Wolfiefan]

You owe people nothing. Those people wanted a big wedding. They didn't have one so you would invite them back in years to come.
We went abroad and married. But had a party at home and a blessing to appease the ILs!

[Giratina]

Have what you want to have. They chose the wedding that suited them, you should do the same. I'm sure you "paid your way" at their weddings with the gifts you took so you don't owe them anything.

[Pettywoman]

Do exactly what you like. You owe them nothing.

[RNBrie]

Please have your wedding the way you want to! Your friends didn't throw a big party for you, they threw it for themselves!!

We had a big wedding and whilst it was lovely and great fun I do regret the cost, we have dc now and a mortgage etc and I know how useful that money would have been!

[MadameCholetsDirtySecret]

You don't owe anything. Get married how you and your partner chose. Have a super day.

[LeeFiora]

All of these points make sense, but the idea of not inviting people whose wedding we've been to in the last year or two really makes me cringe! And DP thinks we really ought to invite everyone.

[WhooooAmI24601]

They didn't design their wedding to make you happy, it was purely for their own enjoyment. You having a great time would be an accidental lovely add-on. You owe them nothing.

Have the wedding you want, the way you want it. Ours was a huge, lavish thing and, looking back, I wish we'd told everyone to sod off and run off to some sunny beach and done it there. Please only yourselves with your wedding.

[FadedRed]

Noooo! Absolutely have the wedding YOU want, not what you think other people expect. You do not 'owe' anyone a big wedding as payback for theirs. As pp's said, they had the weddings they wanted (hopefully).

PS this also applies to your parents and STB in-laws. Don't have a wedding you don't want just so your third cousin twice removed who you've never met can attend because your parents/in laws think said cousin might get upset if they are not invited..........

[LeeFiora]

FadedRed my DP wants to invite his entire family, and couldn't even remember all their names Even if it is okay for me to want a small wedding, I can't see him capitulating!

[Nicketynac]

My friend had a tiny wedding ceremony - parents, grandparents, best man and bridesmaid. She hated the idea of people staring at her coming down the aisle. Her DH wanted something bigger so they had a big reception straight afterwards so other guests still felt part of their big day.
It was a nice compromise.

[AllTheBabies]

You owe people nothing. I've been to loads of big weddings but mine is going to be tiny. Other people have had the wedding they've wanted and I'm going to have the wedding I want.

It hadn't even entered my mind to feel bad about it.

[Piffpaffpoff]

I had a very small ceremony/lunch in a posh hotel then a big party/disco/dance for all friends and rellies in the village hall in the evening. We did no speeches in the evening apart from a brief 'hello, thanks for coming' and we didn't even do a big first dance - no way did I want everyone looking at us for that!!!

It's your day, do it your way.

[JoJoSM2]

Well, you don't owe friends anything. However, it is very relevant that DP would like to invite everyone. My DH wanted a big wedding and I didn't. We managed to compromise on inviting close family and close friends. Having not been fussed with a big wedding (I would have been happy with a quick trip to the registry office), I now have many fond memories of it and love looking at photos and videos of our special day :)