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Who's BU?

(72 Posts)
twocultures Sun 23-Oct-16 20:38:34

To try and cut a long story short my DM and DF don't get along with my DP.
It's a very complicated situation but without going into it both sides are blaming the other for something that went really wrong. But at the end of the day my DP is the one having to deal with the ramifications and will continue to do so for years to come. I'm not taking sides here but as I live with my DP It feels like my parents (read DM) assumes I'm on DPs side.
Please note my parents are in their mid 40s so not old.

Anyway I live about 30 mins away from my parents and struggle to get there ATM as I'm out in the middle of nowhere and the buses are only here a few times a day and until I get my first pay check from my new job I can't afford to insure my car.
I've been unable to see my parents for about 3 weeks now (I usually go over every week) as I've struggled to find my way there, up to recently I've usually managed to get a lift from in laws or my DM or DF would pick me up but they're all quite busy now.
Recently as DP changed jobs (he's semi-self employed it's complicated) and we have decided to stay more organised DP said we should set a day in the week when I go and see them and then they can drop DS home to DP in the evening as I go to work evenings so won't be there.
DP has said that the best day for me to go over is Wednesday, we want to spend weekends together As a family and Monday's and Friday's he's able to finish work earlier and he'd like to spend those late afternoons with our DS as due to previous work commitments he has never been able to spend much time with him when he was a baby (he's 2 years now).
I've spoken to my parents who said Wednesday is no good for them as they're usually busy, they are self employed my DF usually works ft and my DM helps out a couple of days a week and my DP was hoping they would be able to adjust their days to be able to accommodate the one day a week to see DS as they don't have a schedule or a rota as such and they usually go from week to week. And they are very pushy to see DS.

So my DM is now pulling the guilt trip saying they are being pushed aside and their needs are not being considered as she has specifically stated Wednesdays are no good and that we are stopping them from seeing their DGS. And she's also saying how they're not getting to see me , their DC, either.
I've spoken to my DP and asked him about a different day as I'm quite easy going as I work afternoons he said Wednesday's or Monday's but they'd have to drop DS off around 4.30/5 ( if Wednesday's they can drop off at 6/7) as he wants some time with DS Monday afternoon.
He's not keen to discuss the situation as he feels that in the past we have tried to accommodate everyone else around us and not took care of our own needs and due to our current difficult financial situation he wants to just focus on us 3 and work to get us in a better situation.
I'm slightly concerned that if speak to my DM tomorrow and say either Wed or Mon she'll say Monday's no good either and demand Friday's or something and kick off again like she did at me over the phone today.

Who is BU here my DP for wanting to see DS Mon and Fri afternoons on his own (and obviously we have weekends together) or my DM who's saying they can't adjust their flexible days to see DS on the 2 days we suggested? I feel really stuck and confused and I don't know what to think sad

Creampastry Sun 23-Oct-16 20:48:18

Your dh comes across as controlling .... is that why your parents don't like him?

44PumpLane Sun 23-Oct-16 20:48:51

I think if you are offering 3 possible days and your DM comes back and says none of them are acceptable then it's not really you and your DP at fault here. It's utterly reasonable your DP wants to be able to spend time with his child, your DM is also reasonable to want to see her grandchild, but you'll be providing options so if she says "no" then that's a shame but not your fault.

RhiWrites Sun 23-Oct-16 20:52:12

They both are really. Just because he's decided there should be a rota doesn't mean your parents have to agree or change their working days to accommodate when to see your son. But they are also being unreasonable to demand their turn with your son.

Fortunately there's an easy solution. Monday's and Frudays are your DP's early home days so your parents can see your son Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday and it doesn't even have to be the same one each week.

Just tell your parents they can have him any mid week day and to let you know by Subsay which one they'd like.

tofutti Sun 23-Oct-16 20:55:28

Your DM is BU.

Does she know why Mons and Weds are not good for you and your DP? Could she be trying to get at your DP?

Your DM's needs are not important in this instance, yours, your DP's and your DS matter most.

You have been considerate. Do your parents drive? Have they made any effort to visit you at your home?

Cookingongas Sun 23-Oct-16 20:55:53

There's 7 days in a week. Two weekend days. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If they can't accomadate Wednesday, how's Tuesday or Thursday? I'm not even sure they've said no to Monday but with an earlier return based on what you've said its not clear if you have asked?

abbsismyhero Sun 23-Oct-16 21:06:34

i think they are saying no because it something that suits dp

really there is no reason why he can't see his own child why should he put them above himself? you freely admit he hasn't spent enough time with him and he wants to why should he not be able to spend time with his own child?

stop trying to accommodate everyone he has every right to see his own child and he has given them days when they can see him and you your parents are the ones saying no take them at their word and they will come around with a suitable alternative dont argue disengage say its a shame you cant see us on x day and dont make any other offers

its just too stressful to please everyone

memyselfandaye Sun 23-Oct-16 21:11:51

Why on earth can't he give you a few quid for the first month's insurance? It won't be that much, assuming you don't have an Aston and a gazillion points.

twocultures Sun 23-Oct-16 21:40:13

DP is saying we've got to put our life 1st and he's concerned that my parents make me feel guilty/try to manipulate me as every time I get off the phone to my DM it's like I'm just down.

He's basically saying "tough" we've got to work hard ATM and bring money in and if they can't arrange their work around these days it's not our concern.

Tuesday's and Thursday's are no good as DP is up in his office then on the way down collects DS and SIL who's been babysitting him and drops them off at our house where he gets ready for training and leaves as he's semi pro so needs to attend and SIL then puts DS to bed and waits until DP gets back from training then goes home.

We really can't afford to pay tax, insurance and petrol for my car until I get paid at the end of Nov.

My parents cannot come over here as the house is in no way suitable to have guests ATM as we're renovating.

nilbyname Sun 23-Oct-16 22:59:12

You're usiang family as childcare?

Stop doing that and things will get much easier I think

twocultures Sun 23-Oct-16 23:15:46

It will definitely not be easier to use someone else for childcare.

SIL only watches DS twice a week for about 2 hours at a time tops and she loves it as she loves spending time with her godson, also she lives up the road from us so it's very convenient.
And the fact SIL voluntarily and eagerly helps us with a few hrs childcare a week doesn't really have much to do with the subject of the post... Unless I'm missing something.

pictish Sun 23-Oct-16 23:22:58

Well I think your mother is out of line. She doesn't get dibs on your son over his own dad fgs.

"So my DM is now pulling the guilt trip saying they are being pushed aside and their needs are not being considered as she has specifically stated Wednesdays are no good and that we are stopping them from seeing their DGS."

You know she has no parental rights over your son, right? If your family situation can't facilitate the days that suit her then it's tough. There's no way your household has to arrange itself differently to accommodate her schedule.

pictish Sun 23-Oct-16 23:24:47

What Abbs said. You tell her that's they day you can feasibly do and make no other offers. Your mum is not more important here.

ImissGrannyW Sun 23-Oct-16 23:58:40

I work in schools and I promise, it's really rare for a dad to prioritise spending time with his DC. That yours IS, is amazing, and def should take priority over GPs. I utterly appreciate that children spending time with their grandparents is important, and crossing the generations is fantastic. But birth parents take priority. Birth parents are the bottom line, and the most important. Everything else comes after that. Celebrate your partner for being involved, and your parents should too!

Lewwat Mon 24-Oct-16 00:12:15

Your DM IBVU, if she wants to see her DGC then she needs to fit around your lives. Nit the other way around.

HeddaGarbled Mon 24-Oct-16 00:37:21

There are so may issues here.

Your parents and your husband have fallen out over something. You are not taking sides. Your mum is accusing you of taking sides with your husband. Unless he has been unreasonable, you should take sides with your husband. Do you think that he has been unreasonable?

When you get your car up and running, none of this will be a problem. Is that right? And you will be able to do that once you get your first pay check from your new job. And it has been 3 weeks that you haven't been able to see them, so only one more week to go, yes? So what on earth is all this protracted negotiation about days of the week about?

He is being dictatorial about it only being Wednesdays, they are being awkward about not agreeing.

But, I can't tell from what you have told us so far, if he is being controlling and trying to isolate you from your family (classic abusive behaviour) or whether your parents are being deliberately difficult, selfish and manipulative (also abusive). Perhaps they are all abusive. It's actually not that unusual for children of abusive families to pick abusive partners.

Think about this. What do you want?

Get your car on the road and then never let yourself get into a situation where your freedom and independence is taken away from you again.

pictish Mon 24-Oct-16 07:21:54

That's a good point actually. Your current situation is temporary so what is with all this shifting and juggling to appease your parents in the first place?
If they have to wait until the end of November for things to settle down so you can make the journey, that's the way it is. Why you are getting in a fankle over keeping them sweet I don't know.

I can't comment on your partner without knowing more about the fall out with your parents but going on what you've given us, I can't see that he is being unreasonable here.

I think your parents have too much sway in your lives and you are too submissive to your mother.

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer Mon 24-Oct-16 07:32:48

This sounds like a complicated situation and a horrible one to be caught in the middle of. DM is BVU since you have offered days and she has turned them down. Your DP sounds very controlling.

The travel issues are only temporary so this really shouldn't be such a big deal. You shouldn't need a rota to visit your parents FGS. It sounds like both DP and DM are intentionally trying to make things more difficult because of their poor relationship.

This problem will pass when you have transport sorted, but I guarantee it's only a matter of time until the next problem crops up. Nothing will really be sorted unless they can grow up and sort the issues between them out.

pictish Mon 24-Oct-16 08:09:11

Can I ask previous posters....why is it you think OP's dh comes across as controlling?
I'm usually on high alert for this kind of thing but in this case I'm not seeing it.

steff13 Mon 24-Oct-16 08:34:37

So, your parents want to spend time with you and your son every week. Your partner said, "how about Wednesdays," and your mom had said that doesn't work. So now your partner had said, "how about Monday, but it will have to be a shorter visit than on Wednesday." As yet we don't know if your mom will find Monday acceptable.

I don't think your partner is being unreasonable. Surely it's up to the two of you to decide what's most convenient for your family as far as visits go.

OurBlanche Mon 24-Oct-16 08:47:16

You need to remind your DM that she has raised her kids and that you AND your DP are now raising yours.

How bloody dare she make it difficult for your D to see his own child, to deprive the 3 of you of family time you both say you miss, want and need!

Your DP is not being controlling, he is quite right, if you don't put your foot down now your DM will run you ragged for years.

YOU need to make up your own mind. What do YOU want, more DM in your life or more DP/family life?

twocultures Mon 24-Oct-16 11:39:56

Thank you for all the replies!

I think the big issue with my Parents is that we are originally from a different EU country, and my partner and his family are English and his family live very close to us. I think my parents probably feel like I'm being submerged in my in laws family and see them more etc and feel like they're being put at the bottom of the pile.
However the way my DM goes about it I think isn't right as I feel like she's almost demanding. Unfortunately I can't sit down and tell her that because she always has to argue her point and if that doesn't work she interrupts you and then gets louder and louder and then gets all sulky and almost acts like a victim. Or the opposite she'll sit there and take it and not really say anything and then will cry to my dad and hold a grudge that will get brought up months down the line.

By the way when I start driving the only thing that will really change is that I won't have to faff about so much with the travel, we still want a set day as me and DP would like to have a routine, we need to focus on work and pulling ourselves out of the difficult situation we are in now.

I would like the posters that said my DP is being controlling to elaborate on that if possible?

twocultures Mon 24-Oct-16 11:46:18

Hedda I'm not taking any sides as the situation isn't black and white as I've not been involved in it.
There's things that my parents have done that have been wrong and same goes for my DP but it's hard for me to judge as it was not something that involved me.

Muffy unfortunately I think we need to have a rota as 1) they are not always in so need to make arrangements when they know I'm coming unless it's a weekend which I want to spend with my DP & DS 2) as much as I could go over any day of the week I work 4.30-9pm Monday to Friday so its my DP who sorts and deals with the childcare in the afternoons so I think it needs to fit him?

HeddaGarbled Mon 24-Oct-16 13:11:17

I think that you should visit your parents with the children for a morning or afternoon every other weekend or thereabouts. How's that as a compromise by and for everybody?

twocultures Mon 24-Oct-16 13:24:54

It's a good suggestion but I really want me and DP to spend the time with DS as through the week due to our shifts me and DP don't really see each other at all as he leaves before I'm up and I'm usually back after he's gone to sleep.
And also my parents already think that seeing DS once a week is not enough never mind it being every other week.

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