to be p**sed off with him?(87 Posts)
My DH works full time in retail so gets a mid week day off but works on a Saturday, he informed me last night that he is taking up a new hobby - golf.
This will be on Sunday's and probably 2 Sunday's a month. He is doing this with a few friends that don't work on a Saturday, so now the only day we have off as a family (Sunday) he will be missing for 3/4+ hours.
I'm pissed off, he thinks I am being unreasonable. I am annoyed that every other week we won't be able to do anything all together and will feel like I am waiting for him to get home. If he goes early in the morning, we don't get that lazing about drinking coffee with DS crawling into bed and all just chilling together. If he goes at lunchtime, we can't all go out for lunch, zoo, soft play etc whatever because he won't be there.
Another reason it is annoying he wants a bit of 'me' time. When I work all week and look after DS on a Saturday when he is at work, and now again on a Sunday when he is at golf.
I would be pissed off, but perhaps I'm biased because I think golf is shit in general
I don't think there's anything wrong with him doing a hobby with his mates, but could he not do something on a weeknight (5 a side, snooker etc) rather than his one day off at the wkend?
Oh and also I'm assuming he is giving you the same 'time off' at the weekends where he will look after the kids while you spend 3-4 hours+ on your hobbies?!
I work the same hours as your Dh, I wouldn't dream of doing something that took me away on our one day all together. If he wants to golf, he should do it on his day off in the week.
That is not okay, particularly when you don't get similar 'me' time.
I don't think every other week is that bad but I know lots of husbands who play Saturday Sunday and in the week or play football/rugby once a week
And you can still do things with your son on your own?
Nah, YANBU. It would only be fair in 'me time' terms if you took up a hobby that took up 4 x 1/2 weekend days per month. Which would mean you hardly ever saw each other at all. It doesn't say a lot about how he values time with you & ds. Do you want more kids? What's that going to be like?
Evening is a much better idea. You should go out to a class or similar one evening too.
And yes, golf is shit. He's not even going to be getting any exercise.
What does he do on his weekday off, by the way? Obs he probably can't see his mates, but he could get some exercise if that is also an issue for him?
My friends DH also plays golf on a Sunday. Don't forget to include the few hours spent after the golf in the "19th hole" for a few pints.
Exactly what I said, can't you take up bowling etc? He usually plays football in the week but wants to swap to golf.
Big row and not really talking now, he was out of the house today playing golf from 10:50am until 3:15pm. So DS and I just chilled out but I'm fuming with him. I sound like a needy idiot that can't be without my man, and that's not true, I just don't know how else I can articulate that it feels like we are bottom on his list of his priorities.
What would you say?
I'd wait til he got back and then walk out saying 'see you later' and not come back til an equivalent amount of time had passed. And I'd do it every time he did it, until he got the message.
It's a tricky one.
My DH plays golf. Because he plays 'off scratch and semi professionally, ' this means a lot of practice and competitions - he plays one weekend for one day and the next weekend both days and so on and so forth. He also practices in the week and belongs to a very expensive club.
However we are different to you because the kids are a lot older plus I love time alone to do my own thing (we are happily married by the way!) plus the kids are mine and not his - although he's very hands on etc when needed but as they're teenagers really no need tbh
This suits us both. Your situation is not suiting you. Why has he taken up a hobby that, at a minimum, will have him out of the house for 5 hours at a time? Why is he doing this hobby on the only day you get together? These are the questions I'd be asking him. Also what's your relationship like in general? If it's usually good then just sit down with him and try and reach a compromise. When kids are little, it's supremely selfish for one partner to just fuck off and leave the other with the work ..
I would explain to him that I felt really strongly that he was being unfair and inconsiderate. I would ask him again to reconsider. If he refused, I would be inclined to reconsider whether I wanted to be with someone who was happy to treat me like that. While I considered that, I would spend the same amount of time out of the house - every other week I would go out for 3-4 hours. Sometimes it would be the same 3-4 hours he planned to spend out of the house. What childcare would he be able to arrange?
yes agree, its not so much what you say to him, but as Pip says above, what is he saying to you about it?. My kids are teenagers but DH knows and understands I don't enjoy hi going off too often for full days - (he works some w/es too, but mostly not) - but if he suggested he went away for a full day every other weekend I'd be annoyed - and he would entirely see my point. He always asks, every time, if I'm ok with it. BECAUSE HE HAS MANNERS. Apart from anything else, there's stuff to do about the house and garden that would not be getting done!
But yeah, what has he got to say for himself?
Dh has a hobby which occasionally takes him away on our one day off, and on those days I enjoy the alone time with our dd. But if you only get one day as a family, that day is pretty precious in my opinion, and to be not actually spending it as a family is selfish on his part. He has a day off in the week which he could do a hobby of his choosing, (assuming he is not in charge of child care that day) so to then take an extra day to himself twice a month at the detriment of time together is unfair to the family unit to my mind.
I'm not big on the everyone should have equal me time argument, but I do think time as a family is important, and working the kind of patterns you (and we) do, Sunday is an important family day.
That's what I dont understand, he has been out bought new trainers, coat etc for golf, so it's clearly something that isn't going anywhere and he says he can't do it in the week as its dark when he finishes work.
When I mentioned about our lazy mornings in bed together drinking coffee watching cartoons snuggling with DS, he said "we are just drinking coffee why can't I go and play golf?" Clearly I think more highly about those mornings than he does, he wants to be standing in a field with his friends.
To be fair, lots of people don't value time lazing in bed and see it as wasted time. I don't think you can blame him for that. The issue is him choosing to spend this day away from his family unilaterally, leaving you stuck with childcare and his DS not spending enough time with his dad. 3 hours isn't the end of the world but I suspect it will be the 'best' 3 hours of the Sunday.
To clarify he does have DS on his midweek day off. So he has a day with DS, so do I. But it's the day with all three of us, that is clearly taking a backseat.
Things he said when we had our heated discussion are:
- "it's only a couple of Sundays a month"
- "it's only for a couple of hours" (it was over 3 today at a local course, he will be going to ones further away next time)
- "if we have a plan on a particular Sunday I won't go on that Sunday" (so unless there is a specific thing to do he will go)
- "I think you are making a big deal of this, its just a few hours on my day off"
Well if he gets fidgety watching cartoons with DS he could take him to the park while you make a picnic for an outing. Or you could all go swimming together. That's a weird dichotomy, and the reason WHY you he can't just bog off the minute he's a bit bored with what you and ds are doing ought to be staring him in the face .
Would one Sunday in three (or four?) be OK, (ie a minority of the time) if he genuinely wanted to make a more concerted family-oriented effort the other Sundays?
"he says he can't do it in the week as its dark when he finishes work"
Not during his day off, it isn't. What does he do with his mid-week day off?
It's a horrible feeling to discover you're married to a selfish arsehole who puts his family way, way down on his list of priorities.
YANBU. This would really upset me if I was in your shoes.
The fact that he is choosing to be out of the house for up to 4 hrs on his only day with you and his DC is hurtful in my opinion. He has a day off in the week so isn't that his 'me time'? Why can't be play golf then?
I would be suspicious that his sudden interest in golf was motivated by a desire to 'opt out' of family life for a few hours rather than genuine interest in the sport.
I don't usually advocate 'tit for tat' style point scoring as a way to deal with conflict but as he's being such a selfish arse and you've tried to communicate your feelings to him but he's still not budging, I feel in this case it's justified. I would do as a PP suggested and fuck off for 3-4 hours every time he returns from one of his precious golf games. He will inevitably get pissed off and when he does his hypocrisy will be undeniable.
I don't think golf for three hours a fortnight is a big deal in itself. What is a big deal is that he's decided unilaterally that this is what's happening with no discussion and with no regard for his wife or his son.
He needs to compromise - what about one Sunday in three, and he can go on his midweek day off as well? I can understand him wanting to do something with his mates but surely he wants to spend time with his wife and son as well?
I play golf with DP and his friends. It's not thrilling but it's okay. It does take 4 hours or so every week until around October when they stop going until May/June, but it's the only hobby type thing he does and it can be oddly stress relieving.
I understand him not wanting to go in the week if he's playing with people who can't go then, but I think he owes you equal me-time, and he needs to be honest about how much of Sunday this will take up. Is he planning to play all year round?
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