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To say no to my friend?

(43 Posts)
wysiwyg16 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:07:23

My best friend is on the verge of breaking up with her DP. This is the 5th break up in the past three years with lots of ups and downs during the times that they're together.

It's my birthday this week and she had arranged to take me out for lunch yesterday, but cancelled as she thought he wanted to talk to her about things (in the end, he didn't, he went out for the whole day). I then spent about an hour yesterday on the phone counselling her as he still hadn't come home.

This morning she asked if she could pop round later for a chat. I haven't replied yet but I just can't handle dealing with this today. For info, I'm also 8 months pregnant and trying to get ready for imminent baby arrival and feel like she needs to get used to dealing with this without me, given that I won't have time for this when the baby arrives.

AIBU? and a bad friend? How much of yourself do you give to friends when you're exhausted but you know they're struggling too?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sun 23-Oct-16 16:17:46

I don't compromise my own health and wellbeing. Are you able to gently explain to her what you've said above?

TaterTots Sun 23-Oct-16 16:20:03

You need time to yourself too. If you're worried about upsetting her can you invent a tummy bug or something?

wysiwyg16 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:21:51

I've tried a few times, especially when I'm essentially repeating everything I said the last time they broke up, but it doesn't seem to sink in and I don't like to think of her dealing with it alone so I do tend to check in and make sure she's ok.

ihatethecold Sun 23-Oct-16 16:24:26

I think you should see your friend, that's what friends do.
support them through the good and bad.

wysiwyg16 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:26:51

ihatethecold but I have nothing new to say. I am just repeating what she already knows and, actually, I really don't want to!

IrenetheQuaint Sun 23-Oct-16 16:29:03

Is the friendship always this one-sided? Cancelling you for lunch on your birthday is a really rubbish thing to do; has she offered to reschedule?

wysiwyg16 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:34:55

She hasn't, but I work long hours and strange shifts during the week and DH is taking me away this coming weekend.

No, she is a great friend and would do anything for me, but I just don't have the strength or the energy to counsel her through the fourth break up (especially knowing they'll end up back together again!)

StealthPolarBear Sun 23-Oct-16 16:35:16

Has she shown any interest in your pregnancy?

JellyBelli Sun 23-Oct-16 16:39:48

If you are 8 months pregnant, too tired, and this is the 5th break up in 3 years then YANBU. You cant give what you dont have, and some yoyo relationships just cause empathy fatigue.

Rachel0Greep Sun 23-Oct-16 16:41:08

Tell her you are not feeling great, and need some rest - which is true. Maybe arrange another time, if possible.

Davros Sun 23-Oct-16 16:47:17

I think you should say no to her but offer something else that suits you better.

DixieWishbone Sun 23-Oct-16 16:48:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milkshakeandmonstermunch Sun 23-Oct-16 16:49:48

I temporarily cut ties with an old friend of mine years ago after she went back to her bf for the fourth time. I had been there for the first three break ups and I didn't have the energy for it anymore. There was no showdown or anything, I just drifted away. He ended up dumping her six times before she moved on. It wasn't particularly nice of me but I lost interest in having the same conversation over and over again.

wysiwyg16 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:56:32

Dixie - I find it impossible just to listen (maybe I should) because she asks me questions, asks what I would do, why he's behaving a certain way. She suggests things she needs to do (lose weight, earn more money, change herself) and in the end I get frustrated because it's clearly not her, it's him. I can't just sit there and listen when she's making crazy suggestions which means I become emotionally over-invested, frustrated and angry.

JoJoSM2 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:59:06

She sounds a right mess and didn't even bother with your bday lunch... In your circumstances, I just wouldn't bother with her today...
And prolly not very much in general.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 23-Oct-16 17:07:05

In your circumstances, I just would say, I am very tired and having a rest. You need to look after yourself and the baby now.

BackforGood Sun 23-Oct-16 17:20:35

she is a great friend and would do anything for me

There's your answer. Of course YABU to not be there to listen when your supposed best friend wants to pour her heart out.

Damselindestress Sun 23-Oct-16 17:22:14

It really annoys me when people ask for advice, then ignore it, then ask again. I've heard of an expression that describes them, askholes. It's just attention seeking. I know your friend is going through a hard time but yesterday was supposed to be about you and she made it all about her again, cancelling an outing for your birthday but still expecting you to be available for a long phone call about her issues. It's more than reasonable for you to have a relaxing day today that doesn't revolve around her. Just tell her you're tired. You are 8 months pregnant, she should understand.

pipsqueak25 Sun 23-Oct-16 17:22:40

does she show interest in your life / pregnancy ? i'm reading this as being a bit one sided, you give and she takes, that's not really a good friendship. has she always been this way ? what is she like with other people or are you the primary 'carer' ? you say she'd do anything for you, then she should understand your health at the moment and give you a bit of head space.

SuperFlyHigh Sun 23-Oct-16 17:23:21

I've had this for about a year with one friend who I've distanced myself from now - about a break up every 2 weeks or a month!

I did this myself though as a girlfriend about 15 years ago and I'm sure friends were frustrated with me - we liked each other just squabbled like 2 kids according to his mum!

It's kind to be there for her but at the same time right now and when the baby is born you won't have the energy for it.

iseenodust Sun 23-Oct-16 17:23:31

I would see her as you said she would do anything for you. But be clear it will only be for a hour as you want a nice bath before another long week at work. If I was feeling blunt I would also say 'putting off our lunch yesterday didn't get you anywhere with him, he's not prioritising you in the same way'.

Damselindestress Sun 23-Oct-16 17:24:00

She was already there to listen yesterday, even though her "supposed best friend" cancelled her birthday lunch. Not dropping everything every day doesn't make her a bad or unreasonable friend, there has to be a balance.

gleam Sun 23-Oct-16 17:25:33

Askholes grin

WordGetsAround Sun 23-Oct-16 17:26:03

She does sound very hard work and there is no need to see her if you don't want to, but don't cut her off because once you have the baby 'you won't have time to support her'! Babies are tiring and sometimes hard work, but you still need friends and a life.

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