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Late miscarriage - can't cope.

(29 Posts)
Namechangenumber10 Sun 23-Oct-16 12:01:52

Posting here for traffic really.

Just lost our beautiful baby in the second trimester and really struggling to cope. It's my second loss but the first was earlier. No living children yet.

Support from the hospital has been mixed - I'm still begging for some counselling, 4 weeks on. And I've been told that the baby's post mortem results will be delayed because - although it's been carried out - the histopathologist has now gone on annual leave.

I know this probably sounds like an overreaction but every day I'm just filled with horror and sadness and how happy life used to be and how bleak and devastating it is now. Feel like we will never get past this, and will never be happy again.

Is this normal?

TirednessIsComing Sun 23-Oct-16 12:07:33

It's not an over reaction at all, you are grieving and have had the worst shock. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's fucking shit.

Do you have good support around you? I would call the miscarriage association and speak to someone there. I had a first trimester miscarriage, they were really lovely.

Homebird90 Sun 23-Oct-16 12:09:52

I'm so sorry for your losses, and your feelings are totally normal. It's awful that you're having to chase for support and the mundanity of the histo being on holiday must jarr badly x

Nanny0gg Sun 23-Oct-16 12:13:39

Nothing to say except I'm so sorry flowers.

Whatever your feelings are, they're absolutely normal and valid.

Please be kind to yourselves.

Purplefrogshoes Sun 23-Oct-16 12:23:44

I'm so sorry op. The miscarriage association are fabulous. I would also recommend you post on the miscarriage boards. I had early miscarriages but I got through some really dark days with the help of the amazing women on the recurrent miscarriage thread. One day at a time flowers

HappyInL0nd0n Sun 23-Oct-16 12:28:36

I'm so sorry for your loss. flowers

Better days are on the way for you, even if it's so hard to see it now. Be gentle with yourselves x

ShelaghTurner Sun 23-Oct-16 12:30:53

Nothing useful to add but so sorry you're going through this. I had a 12 week loss and that was hard enough, I can't imagine how hard a later loss must be. The miscarriage board on here was the only thing that got me through, no one in RL really got it, not even DH tbh.

Look after yourself and give yourself time to grieve. Sending hugs flowersbrew

Clouds22 Sun 23-Oct-16 12:47:35

So sorry to hear your news and you are definitely not being unreasonable! I also suffered a miscarriage and remember feeling quite irrational, looking at plants I owned and wondering why they were alive when my baby wasn't! Just part of grief I guess. It's rubbish, but things will get better for you.

Creampastry Sun 23-Oct-16 13:07:01

No experience of what you're going through but certainly the further along the harder it will be. regardless, it's all shit and I'm so sorry and hope you get some help.

Norma27 Sun 23-Oct-16 13:16:32

Big hugs to you. I went through a late missed miscarriage 3 years ago and it still hurts.
I can honestly say time does heal though but even now I will have a little cry when i want to. Take care of yourself and let yourself grieve. I went to counselling once but found it wasn't for me. Others may find it very helpful though.
I am now watching my 2 yr old rainbow baby racing around the living room even though I didn't know if i could allow myself to risk that pain again.
Thinking of you xx

Bluesrunthegame Sun 23-Oct-16 13:20:36

Very sorry for your sad loss. flowers

As a pp said, the ladies on the miscarriage boards are a good place at this time.

Very much hope you have lots of love and support around you.

Mumberjack Sun 23-Oct-16 13:24:26

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is completely normal to feel this way. I lost my daughter at term after a hard time getting pregnant to start with and it was a horrible, hopeless time and I felt I'd never get past it.

The post mortem appointment didn't bring me much comfort other than giving the green light to try to conceive again, so I hope you are able to access counselling to deal with whatever answers (or lack of explanation) arise.

However I can say that while the pain of losing my daughter will always be there, as time went on it was easier to function day to day, then I started to enjoy things a bit more, smile/laugh again at things, and I adapted to the 'new normal' that loss brings. You will get through this, it's just hard holding on.

Mumberjack Sun 23-Oct-16 13:26:24

I should also add that I fell pregnant with my first rainbow baby, which did help with looking forward (although it was itself a very anxious time). I'd highly recommend the miscarriage association or Sands for support.

catlover1987 Sun 23-Oct-16 13:34:15

I'm so sorry for your loss. My friend recently lost her baby boy at 20 weeks. I know that sands have been a great help to her x

HeteronormativeHaybales Sun 23-Oct-16 13:36:37

Of course it's normal, you poor love. You have been through something devastating.

I've never had a late loss, but a total of 6 early/earlyish ones, and three children. I have a friend who lost two babies around the 20-week mark and eventually went on to have two living dc. There is hope. And life will eventually look brighter again. But this experience will always remain with you and grief is the most normal reaction possible and will take time to pass.

After three miscarriages I wore a ring - a narrow silver band with three tiny diamonds set in - as a tangible reminder of my lost babies, and it was comforting, that they were 'with me' as life went on. I no longer wear it as I couldn't bear getting more and more stones set in, but perhaps choosing a special piece of jewellery and wearing it might eventually be comforting to you and a way to remember. Or planting a tree in the garden.

Keep pushing for counselling, or go private if you can afford it - you need support.

Trifleorbust Sun 23-Oct-16 13:40:51

So sorry to hear about such a sad situation, OP flowers

It is perfectly natural to feel as you are feeling. I think we all would. Be kind to yourself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 23-Oct-16 13:47:38

So, so sorry to hear this OP. I had a late miscarriage too many years ago now and I thought I would never get over it. There's nothing that anybody can really say to help you at the moment, other than that they hear your pain.

So sorry for you both. thanks

galaxygirl45 Sun 23-Oct-16 13:59:24

My 2nd baby was stillborn at 26 weeks - I'm so sorry for your loss, it truly is beyond devastating and I can't give you any magic cure, or tell you time heals as in honesty it doesn't - but you do learn to live with it. I have days even now 20 years on that it hits me and this wall of pain hits you. But life does go on, even though you can't understand why. Often the post mortem/histology/pathology doesn't give you any answers, so please don't set your heart on there being a reason why. It took me a long time to come to terms with there being "nothing wrong" with my little boy, it didn't make any sense. Now I can deal with it knowing that perhaps mother nature does know best, and there must have been some reason - I just never got to know why. I met a SANDS befriender, and joined a few groups but you do need to talk about it, with others that understand. Give yourself time to grieve, we do it for a reason and there is no limit to when you should be "over " it, in a sense you never are but it's part of your life map. You will get better, it's just a bumpy horrid ride to get there.

AButterflyLightsBesideUs Sun 23-Oct-16 14:09:51

It's not an overreaction at all, I'm so so sorry you are going through this and for your baby flowers.

I have lost 2 babies, one at 20 weeks, one at nearly 14. The first loss has left me with PTSD and anxiety problems 6 years later, 4 weeks is no time at all. It is a huge and traumatic thing to go through and takes quite some time for the shock to stop. I think your brain cushions you a bit at the start and then it comes at you in waves as the full horror of everything that has happened slowly sinks in and becomes properly real. I struggled terribly with panic and fear in the early weeks afterwards- a classic trauma response apparently. I was convinced something else awful was about to happen, like DH would die and I would have panic attacks and palpitations when the phone went/he drove to work etc.

If your hospital has a bereavement midwife, they are usually the best person to contact re support afterwards (even years later - i sought help about 3 years down the line, but wouldn't recommend leaving it so long). They may also be able to let you know of any local charities who specialise in this - mine put me in touch with a small local charity who do pregnancy & loss counselling and it was so so helpful.

All you can do for now is get through the days. A very wise MNer in the bereavement section says "one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe". Don't expect too much from yourself, grieving is hard exhausting work, and you have a physical recovery to make as well. Do visit your GP if you are struggling to get help through the hospital, they absolutely will care and have time for you flowers

Daydream007 Sun 23-Oct-16 14:30:27

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your feelings are bereavement and are entirely normal. I miscarried at 22 weeks and I was heartbroken as I felt my hopes and dreams were lost. You need to talk about it and counselling might

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 23-Oct-16 14:31:55

I don't think you can overreact to such a horror. Don't let anyone trivialise your grief. I'm so sorry.

LivingAbroad33 Sun 23-Oct-16 15:02:29

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my baby at 24 weeks last year. We had an autopsy done and I also had tests done, but no specific cause could be found. She was just too small and her heart stopped beating. It was and still is incredibly painful, but each day is different and some days are much easier than others.

It is incredibly important to talk to a professional counsellor/psychologist. It took me a few attempts to find the right professional for me, so don't give up and settle for the first person you speak to if you don't feel supported and comfortable. I googled specifically for psychologists that had experience with child loss.

Don't wait for the hospital to organise it – contact SANDS or child bereavement uk and see if they can recommend a professional if you can't find one otherwise. Also read through their websites. I found the information there as well as comments from others that had been through child loss also very comforting.

One thing my psychologist said to me was to take it easy because it will take around 6 months for your hormones to settle down and get back to normal levels. This is often difficult enough after you have been pregnant but in our cases we also have to cope with the feelings of grief and loss.

I took 3 months out and spent my days doing gentle yoga (yin), eating well, resting and seeing the psychologist. Yoga was also really helpful with processing the grief. After three months I felt ready to gently get back to normal life. Just take it day by day and see how you feel. Give yourself permission to do whatever it is that makes you feel good.

jellybeans Sun 23-Oct-16 16:20:13

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I remember feeling equally bleak after my loss at almost 21 weeks. It was a horrific time. That was my 3rd loss, 2nd so late. Things do get better in time but I needed cbt for ptsd and I was luckily a sahm so didn't have to face work. I wouldn't have been able to cope. Everything and everyone seemed trivial. Over a year later I was PG again which really helped give us hope for the future. Sadness remains but it isn't as raw and life doesn't seem as bleak. Thinking of you.

VoldysGoneMouldy Sun 23-Oct-16 16:23:46

There's no such thing as over reacting to this grief sweetheart flowers

I'm so sorry. x

knaffedoff Sun 23-Oct-16 16:35:14

There is no right and wrong way to feel and grief is personal, affecting everyone differently. I suffered multiple miscarriages, but never in late pregnancy. I remember being in a fog of grief, barely able to function after the miscarriages. Life will get better and whilst you will never forget, you will learn to live alongside your losses. I am so very sorry for your losses and as another poster said, take it one day at a time flowers

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