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Who should pay childcare?

(57 Posts)
wheelwithinawheel Sun 23-Oct-16 11:24:27

Ex works mon-fri, I work fri-sun, 50/50 residency of 3DC me: mon 7.45am - Thursday 4.30, every other Saturday night. Separated for a year and and a half.

On 'my' Saturday's, I collect kids after work at 5.30pm, we have tea at my parents and then kids stay over as I have to work early on Sunday, and my parents take DC out and drop then over to ex at 4.30ish.

Until recently the Saturday arrangement with me collecting and DC staying over with my DPs was every week, he insisted that 'technically' EOW but he 'allowed' them to stay at my DPs. I think since seeking legal advice he has changed this and now has DC eery other sat in order to establish a clearer 50/50 split.

Here's the issue: ex financially controlling, and for months has been harassing me for half the cost of childcare for the Friday's. It is his day, youngest DC goes to nursery and same nursery do school pickups and dropoffs. So far I've refused to pay, as I believe that this is childcare he requires as it is his day. I'm right, aren't I? Or aibu?!

wheelwithinawheel Sun 23-Oct-16 11:43:25

Anyone? Feel like I'm going mad

MadeForThis Sun 23-Oct-16 11:45:28

His day his childcare bill. It's up to him to make arrangements for the DC to be cared for. If you chose to put dc into nursery on your Sunday instead of your parents then you would pay.

MadeForThis Sun 23-Oct-16 11:47:42

Tell him that your parents are now charging for childcare on Sunday and he needs to pay half that bill.

cestlavielife Sun 23-Oct-16 11:48:17

How much is the amount?
Ie is it worth the battle . You both working Fridays so you could say you both responsible for child care costs

Where do they sleep in the week? You say you have them 7 45 to 4 30 ?

wheelwithinawheel Sun 23-Oct-16 11:49:50

Sorry, 7.30 Monday morning - Thursday afternoon 4.30. They stay with me.

These replies are reassuring

mickeysminnie Sun 23-Oct-16 11:52:01

Just say, "I'm glad you brought it up because I have been paying my parents for overnight care and day care. They charge me, £40 over what his childcare is, so obviously we'll split that too. And since they have been doing it for a year and a half that is 78*20= 1560. How would you like to pay me?"

mickeysminnie Sun 23-Oct-16 11:53:46

And how is that a 50:50 split? Surely it is 5:2 and eow 4:3?

wheelwithinawheel Sun 23-Oct-16 11:53:46

But if I pay half the childcare costs on Friday, then surely he is getting off very lightly. I have had to move out of the family home into rental (he lives next door to his parents so I staying wasn't an option). I've taken NOTHING except my own clothes, half of the kids clothes and a few toys. As you can imagine, it's been really expensive to do this, and put simply I just can't afford it sad

Arfarfanarf Sun 23-Oct-16 11:54:34

I agree. Childcare on your days is your bill. Childcare on his days is his.

wheelwithinawheel Sun 23-Oct-16 12:01:23

It's 4:3, 3:4. He believes in his mind he is doing FAR more, since he really resents the help I get from my parents. It does benefit him too though, they will have the kids on his behalf wherever possible, say if he wanted to go out or something earlier on the Saturday, my parents are fine with him dropping them off before I finish work. He went to a festival and my parents came to collect the baby and my eldest DC who didn't want to camp from the festival grounds. But he is very resentful - he'd rather see me in the worst position possible, I think probably to lash out since I was the one to end the marriage (he had EA and was emotionally/sexually abusive - under the guise of being a totally lovely guy of course).

wheelwithinawheel Sun 23-Oct-16 12:03:01

If I were to take a job on 'my' days I would pay childcare. That's the most sensible approach surely?

wheelwithinawheel Sun 23-Oct-16 12:04:39

I like that idea mickeys! But there's no way it would wash - he wouldn't even contemplate it.

mickeysminnie Sun 23-Oct-16 12:14:05

It won't wash, because he doesn't really care about the childcare costs it is just another stick to beat you with. Tell him if he us thinking you should share childcare costs that is great because you are looking at another Mon-Fri position with better pay and hours but weren't sure you could absorb the ost of childcare but if you are splitting the costs then it will be much more doable!

mickeysminnie Sun 23-Oct-16 12:14:41

Sorry for typos.

Jclm Sun 23-Oct-16 12:16:35

As the others have said, his day his childcare bill!

While you're getting free childcare from your parents, I imagine you are also offering your parents a reciprocal arrangement where you help them, and will care for them, in old age. Or at least that is the usual expectation if they have helped so much with childcare. So it is not a 'free' service that ex thinks it is.

MangoBiscuit Sun 23-Oct-16 12:24:17

His day, his bill. If you were to pay half of it, then that day would be half your responsibility, so your residence ratios would end up 4.5:2.5 and 3.5:3.5, averaging at 4:3. Would he like to start paying you maintenance?

arethereanyleftatall Sun 23-Oct-16 12:31:02

Does he pay maintenance?

OwlinaTree Sun 23-Oct-16 12:39:27

If you both worked Mon-Fri 9 to 5 and he had them eow I think I'd still expect him to pay half the child care fees.

So you could say you are saving him child care costs mon-Thursday @ £x per day. So this far out weighs the cost of one day of child care (Fri) which you both work.

Eg 4x£50 mon thurs £200 (he pays you £100)
1x£50 Fri £50 (you pay him £25)

So he owes you £75 a week.

OwlinaTree Sun 23-Oct-16 12:41:08

Even if he argues you would have to pay for child care on Sundays he still owes you £25 in above eg.

Trifleorbust Sun 23-Oct-16 12:45:55

Why would you pay for childcare during the time in which he has care of your DC? You don't control his working hours. His bill.

Softkitty2 Sun 23-Oct-16 12:58:14

To even discuss who needs to pay what for the children is just ludicrous to me. They are both your children,. To argue about money is bad enough let alone to argue about it when it comes to the children.

c3pu Sun 23-Oct-16 13:05:37

Who claims the tax credits, if any? There's the possibility of the childcare element to be considered here I think.

wheelwithinawheel Sun 23-Oct-16 13:07:27

He doesn't pay maintenance. Up until this term I have also been going over on a Friday morning, doing school run and dropping off the youngest at nursery. I put my foot down and insisted that he took over getting them dropped off etc. He's fuming about this - as it means his morning is stressful (despite the fact I leave at exactly the same time of the morning mon-thurs).

He's really laid on the guilt as my DD doesn't like going to nursery in the morning to be dropped off at school. Whereas I've tried to reason with her and make her feel a little better about it, telling her it's only for a short time one day a week, and it's because mummy and daddy have to work, and your friend goes there for the same reason etc., his answer to her being upset is 'tell your mum' because he knows it'll make me feel guilty. I feel he uses it as a form of emotional blackmail. He will also text me to say she was upset this morning. It makes me feel terrible, but at the same time it's not going to be something I can continue to do (looking to change my hours in work or find another job).

Technically Thursday is 'his' day too - but I do school runs and care for the youngest until he comes home at 4.30, so technically I'm 'saving' him a day of childcare costs (although I don't mind in the slightest because it means I get more time with the DC. Of course, this goes complete unacknowledged - and any time I've brought it up is met with 'what kind of a mother wouldn't do it'. I've even suggested that since I'm saving him Thursday childcare costs, that would equate to me 'half' of the childcare costs. Again: 'what kind of a mother would CHARGE to take care of her OWN DC', of course, completely missing the point.

I'm at my wits end sadthank you for the replies, definitely feel more bolstered to stick to my guns.

wheelwithinawheel Sun 23-Oct-16 13:10:43

It's all very well saying to argue about it is ludicrous, but I have walked away from this 11 year relationship, 4 year marriage with NOTHING. When every penny of your income is taken up with trying to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and the kids comfortable and not seeing that I'm skint, then yes, it sort of is necessary to quibble. It doesn't make me feel great to be honest:

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