To have booked a holiday without DP and tell him I'm reconsidering our suitability?(76 Posts)
When dp and I first got together I made it very clear that travel was the top of my life priorities. It's the main motivation in my work, saving, lifestyle - everything. He made out that he was the same so early in our dating I asked him what countries he'd seen. He said "Holand, Scotland ... and that's it up to now but I want to see more" 🤔 Clearly lied about being an avid traveller then but I gave him benefit of the doubt.
A year later and we decided to save up to go to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. We gave ourselves a year to save. 2 months in and I told him i had saved enough for half the cost of the flight and if he had the same, we could perhaps get that part booked. He said he hadn't managed to save anything yet as money had been tight (so whilst noticing the brand new PlayStation 4 he'd just bought) I said fine, I'll wait.
4 months in I asked him how much he had saved. He said "loads". I said great, shall we book these flights?" And he said "yes, at the weekend". Weekend came and went, he made excuse after excuse "my bank won't let me log in, I've lost my bank card ... ' etc etc.
6 months in and I said "right, I have the money for half the cost of flights and to book the first hotel in Bangkok - I'm not expecting you to have the same but do you have the flight money cos it needs booking". He said he had "about £200". At this point I said he either came up with the money within the next month or I would go alone. 3 weeks later he's going on giving me a hard time that I have forced him to borrow money off his parents. I went home and booked a holiday for myself and a friend instead. He was mortified and said I'd ruined his entire year as that was all he had to look forward to and now he feels like he's been stabbed in the back!!! When he wasn't coming up with the money I asked him several times if he really wanted to go and could he really afford it and he said yes every time.
I feel he was just been lazy, couldn't be arsed to save and probably hoping I would cover the cost out of pure desperation.
I've now told him I don't feel we're suited and am thinking things over. He said "what, over a holiday???".
Struggling to understand why he didn't say in the beginning he didn't want to go, it would have saved both of you a lot of stress.
No. He doesn't want to go enough to prioritise savings for it and should have been honest!
That said I think travelling means different things to different people. I have absolutely no interest in that part of the world but have been all over Europe and the US with a great desire to go to Canada next.
YANBU either you'd have ended up not going, or fitting the bill, or he'd have come and it would have been shit.
I think you're right, you're not well suited.
Meaning maybe he thought/was hoping you were thinking long weekends in Prague or Stockholm when you first met vs months in the Far East.
He probably does want to go but doesn't want to give up anything else in order to save. You've done the right thing and frankly, he just doesn't have the same priorities as you. Plus he's lied to you several times which I really dislike.
No,you are incompatible in this way. Sure he likes the sound of foreign trips, most people do...he doesn't want to sacrifice anything else to achieve this, though and that's not likely to change.
Have a brilliant time.
It was only to be a two week trip PNgirl and he was the one who chose Thailand! As I've already been I told him 2 weeks in Bangkok would probably be too long so suggested doing a multi destination trip so we got to see Cambodia and Vietnam too. He was all excited and giddy about it - until it came to paying for it!
To be fair I do earn more than him but not that much more. I'm on 26k, he's on 16k or so. I pay for a mortgage, he pays rent. Obviously we don't live together and money is the main reason why, he's useless with it.
He will just go on arsing you about and worse still, blaming you for his faults. And stopping you from living your life by limiting you over and over again.
It's not about the holiday and it's feel manipulative for him to say that (as it's designed to make you feel petty).
He has consistently been untruthful, whatever his reasons.I have learned it's almost impossible to make a relationship work with someone who isnt open.Don't waste more time on someone who isn't right for you.
And letting you down and disappointing you! I'm not keen as you can gather on the sound of this man.
You have completely different goals, OP. I would leave him, have a great holiday with a friend and then look for someone with a similar outlook to you. I thought, too, that he was hoping you'd pay for him.
Love how he considered Scotland a foreign country!
Ah fair enough - when you said "we" decided on this trip I did wonder if you really meant that you suggested it and he agreed.
If his handling of money is bad enough that you don't' live together because of it, how can you have any long-term future anyway? The holiday is a bit of a red herring here. You obviously aren't well-suited, and you would only have years of financial stress ahead of you. Time to move on.
YANBU he sounds really frustrating sorry OP! Go with your friend and have a great time life's too short to wait x
Forget the holiday - there's many a thread on here that will show settling down with someone who has different ideas/attitudes to money, (saving, spending, instant gratification vs bigger delayed gratification) is setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.
To be fair, if he only earns 16k and pays rent rather than living with parents he can't afford holidays. 26k isn't a fortune, but the 10k extra will make a big difference to things like that.
When he's earning as little as that then yes 10k is a massive difference in wage . On that salary I don't think he'd afford a trip like that.
He's clearly been dishonest with you, but to be fair to him it's very unlikely that a salary of 16k can pay for a 2 weeks trip to Thailand, vietnam and Cambodia. After tax that's only about 13k. I assume his rent is more than your monthly mortgage payment.
£26k vs £16k is a massive difference. He won't have a huge amount left after paying rent and bills, and would have needed to prioritise saving for the holiday over going out. Whereas on £26k you'd be able to save and go out regularly.
I don't think it's that he's useless with money, just he doesn't have a lot of it.
But agree that your priorities are different, and it's probably best to discover that now.
I was with you until you said your salary difference - that is a big difference and you will have a lot more disposable income than him. That doesn't excuse his dishonesty but it might explain how he is theoretically keen but realistically unable.
Hmm. He doesn't sound great with money. But you sound pushy and obsessive over the travelling, tbh. It sounds like he's been trying to keep up from the beginning because he wanted to be with you but has got in too deep financially/bitten off more than he can chew. I don't like the lying but you don't sound as if you'd take no for an answer really.
Exotic far-flung places have never appealed much to me - I'd like to go to places such as Scandinavia, the US and NZ but not in any rush to do it - I like to know my own country/countries well (live in continental Europe). If you've been sneering at him for having been to Scotland I'm not surprised he's been trying to keep up.
It's not over a holiday though is it? You are at different levels of maturity.
It probably is a bigger ask for him to save up for the holiday -- but he can afford a PS4-- so if he had any common sense he could have picked a cheaper destination.
He's presented himself as something he's not - keen on travelling. He'd like to be someone who's keen on travelling and an easy way to do it is to be with you and just tag along. When asked about where he wanted to go he came up with Thailand because it's popular, not somewhere cheap and adventurous in Europe say because he basically doesn't have that kind of knowledge. That would have involved him putting effort in.
So he's excited about going because he'd like to be a traveller - but again he can't put the effort in of doing some actual saving. He doesn't understand that you make changes to your lifestyle to make this happen
or pick somewhere affordable.
You aren't binning him over a holiday. You are binning him because he's an immature twat who can't handle a budget.
Oh dear - 16 thousand is just about enough to live on in certain parts of the country (not the SE). He can't afford it. I do have a bit of a twinge of pity for him. A £10,000 difference in salary is massive.
You're in different stages of life it sounds like.
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