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If I stop contact?

(12 Posts)
GettingScaredNow Sun 23-Oct-16 08:38:07

So nutshell backstory:

Abusive marriage, he bugged my flat threatened to kill me, I had him arrested and he no longer lives here. Divorce is underway.
He demands an ad hoc contact arrangement and flatly refuses to take both kids at the same time.

We're about to start mediation to come to a contact arrangement. I'm 100% sure it will be fruitless as he has already said if he doesn't get what he wants then we are going to court. So I'm looking at this all being dragged out.

Last Saturday he took dd(4) out for lunch. He brought her back 2 hours late. His excuse was she needed a poo. He gave dinner as well. No prior warning. Turns out that he had zero intention of bringing her back on time (I know this based on where he went with her)

This week Saturday (yesterday) he again took her out for lunch and said she will be back for dinner. Brought her back over 2 hours late, 20 mins past bedtime. He did text me 35 mins after her dinner time to say they had only just finished their activity and he would give her dinner and return her.
Of course by that point I was worrying and had cooked her a wasted dinner.
He also fed her McDonald's for lunch and dinner.
He refused to let her wear her trainers yesterday to go with him cos he doesn't like them. Instead she had to spend the whole day in some boots, which isn't exactly a problem, except she went out in tears as she wanted her trainers on and actually had I known the sheer volume of walking she would do I would have put her trainers on.

He had taken into the city on the tube and in the morning he had asked for her iPad. I had said no and I got a series of abusive texts. He 'needed' the iPad to entertain her on the tube.

She is today, exhausted, with a high temp, a cough and a cold. I feel like saying to him that he can't take her out anymore as he doesn't put her well being first.
Can I do that?

DangerousBeanz Sun 23-Oct-16 08:42:14

Legally I have no idea. Morally I would. I'd text and tell him she's ill and you'll see him next week.

c3pu Sun 23-Oct-16 08:46:43

Hes a twat, but stopping contact would not help your situation if either of you is going to take it to court.

However I would be insisting he takes both children at the same time.

Kpo58 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:47:07

Why are you doing mediation with him? It's not normally done for abuse cases.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:47:44

Keep evidence of texts etc that you might be able to show a judge. If he's abusive to the DC you'll need evidence.

Children wearing boots instead of trainers and eating a macdonalds will not wash in court.

BigFatTent Sun 23-Oct-16 08:58:30

Don't stop contact but do ensure a consistent schedule is put in place that involves both children. If he doesn't want to do it that way and therefore doesn't have contact it's up to him. If it goes to court they would expect a regular schedule and for him to have both children at once so you are being reasonable if you insist on this.

I agree that choices over shoes and food etc are of no interest to court.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 23-Oct-16 09:04:35

I think going to court will be good, as he will have contact arrangements and times which he must stick to, if not, he's in breach of court. The MacDonalds, and boots ok, but the issue is his ad hoc contact times which is not good.

GettingScaredNow Sun 23-Oct-16 09:07:30

Yes, I can see that the court will not get involved with footwear or food.
I gave those as examples to show how he puts his ease and agenda before the welfare of his kids.

How much longer before we are at a point of getting a court order?
I can insist all I like on a schedule and due back times but me insisting means nothing to him and he does what he likes

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sun 23-Oct-16 09:07:33

He is likely to end up with more if he goes to court..... overnights, hols etc

You have no rights to stop contact if there are no true welfare concerns.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 23-Oct-16 09:17:02

Mum even then courts do not take it seriously, unless it's actual physical or sexual abuse, or very serious neglect.

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 23-Oct-16 10:00:48

You can go to mediation once, explain the issues to the mediator and ask for it to be referred to court. Speak to social services and your GP and explain the issues, in regard to the previous abuse and ongoing issues. Explain to him, in writing, that you are not preventing contact but at present due to X, Y and Z Incidents (list and date the lateness, when he hasn't turned up etc) you will work with him via the court system to make more reasonable and firm contact arrangements. He's taking the mickey and using this to further abuse you, and in my opinion, your daughter.

GettingScaredNow Sun 23-Oct-16 12:11:25

This is why I have asked.
Cos I do feel she is just being used a pawn. Which is unfair. But the poor girl is exhausted each Sunday so I end up cancelling plans so she can have a rest before it's school again on Monday.

I'm doing mediation cos they agreed to do shuttle - so we sit in separate rooms and I don't have to see him.
That way I actually have nothing to lose. I'm doing it cos I know he will take it to court anyway and this way it isn't me that refused to try. That is what was suggested to me.

Thanks for perspective though. I'm a very emotional person so I like to check myself here to see if I'm being rational or not!

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