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Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

(426 Posts)
mum2Bomg Sun 23-Oct-16 08:29:12

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

GraceGrape Sun 23-Oct-16 08:32:42

Seems like a bit of miscommunication. Is there a reason that his family can't come and visit you instead?

PinkiePiesCupcakes Sun 23-Oct-16 08:32:51

He shouldn't have sworn at you but it sounds a little like this child is your child when its actually his too. Iyswim.
If he wants to take his child to meet his parents then why shouldn't he be allowed? Do you not trust him to be a father enough?

haveacupoftea Sun 23-Oct-16 08:33:04

I can kind of understand why he would want his family to see his child, when yours already will have, I mean we are talking a month after the birth. But is there any reason that they cant visit you?

In reality making plans now is pointless as you have no idea how you will feel at that stage.

maldini Sun 23-Oct-16 08:34:49

Yabu - his family is as important as yours

Chewingthecrud Sun 23-Oct-16 08:35:26

He has behaved like a prick.
Has he sworn at you before or got that angry?
I can actually see why he is a bit pissed off that his family are coming second to yours and you won't commit to seeing them at all but he should button it and certainly not bully you about it. And it's completely reasonable for you to want to spend Xmas at home.

As your baby isn't even here yet you have zero idea how you will feel afterwards. You may be physically in pain or struggling to establish feeding still --or you may be up and about and ready to go visiting. Who knows.

Importantly your baby isn't a commodity.
I can see why he would want his family involved and able to see your baby so maybe they could visit you a could of weeks after she comes before Xmas but that is almost aside the point now after his behaviour. Threatening to take her away from you against your wishes is very nasty.

I'd refuse to discuss it further and ask him to give you some space for a bit.

I'm sorry you are upset.

WhirlwindHugs Sun 23-Oct-16 08:37:05

Does he normally swear at you?

I would be upset - of course he wants his family to see his baby, but plans don't need to be made now, if you are still recovering from birth them visiting you might make more sense etc.

Don't feel that you have been unreasonable in not wanting to commit to anything yet.

Bagina Sun 23-Oct-16 08:37:12

Perhaps they've been in touch and put the pressure on so he now feels torn?

Anyway, you can go 2 weeks past your due date, have a c section, be kept in hospital etc etc. The sensible and comfortable thing to do is to plan Xmas on your own terms at home. The priority is you really. We let everyone come to us with a newborn at Xmas and it was great. We all prepared different parts of Xmas dinner and it worked even though we're not all close. You might even get chance for a nap upstairs.

Just keep stating what you want to happen.

PotteringAlong Sun 23-Oct-16 08:37:19

It's an hour and a half.

Your baby will be a month old.

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that but you are being ridiculous.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sun 23-Oct-16 08:37:20

Really? A few days after birth I could understand but a month?

Could your DP not go and get them and bring them to you as a compromise? My ILs were capable of coming to us but so my nan could meet DD asap, my dad drove to get her and bring her to us and she lived about an hour and a half away.

Dons1975 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:37:34

i think you are being a bit unreasonable and it would do no harm to visit it's unfair that your family get to see baby while his doesn't. His reaction was over the top though.

gunting Sun 23-Oct-16 08:37:57

I think yabu a little.

Hopefully once your baby is born and everything settles down you will change your mind. My son was born last November and we did Christmas with my family and new year with my in laws 3 hours away.

It's their grandchild and your partners child too. I can understand why he would be upset.

lornathewizzard Sun 23-Oct-16 08:38:16

Ok, the argument and swearing was shit, but when are you planning seeing his family? Seems a bit unfair that yours are close by so presumably will see you soon after (surely before Christmas?) and you can't even commit to seeing his a month later?

Chewingthecrud Sun 23-Oct-16 08:38:26

What is your relationship with your in laws like by the way? Is there a reason you don't want them to meet their grand daughter until about five weeks after she arrives?
My in laws came over the day after I had mine just for a brief hello as my DC mean as much to them as they do to my parents.

I guess your DH sees his family sidelined quite heavily in your plans and that hurts him.

CanandWill Sun 23-Oct-16 08:38:47

YABU. Of course he will want his family to see the new baby. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

Bagina Sun 23-Oct-16 08:38:58

Why can't they come to you following the birth? Why are they waiting so long anyway?

NoIsAnAnswer Sun 23-Oct-16 08:40:01


At the very least (if baby is late) your baby will be 2 and a half weeks old. Maybe 6 if she comes early.

If you were to visit it's only a car journey. But realistically your dp family could visit you surely?

Maybe your dp meant you'd spend Christmas Day/eve and New Year's Day/eve at home. Not Christmas until new year?

Surely you can understand he'd want to see his family with his first (I assume) child at your dd first Christmas?

I might be in the minority but I think yabu

blueturtle6 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:40:09

He needs to wait and see, when you give birth and also i bled A LOT for two weeks after birth, no way would I stay over somewhere like that.
However we did go away when she was three weeks and it was lovely to show baby off,but we decided last minute, based on how I was feeling etc.
Ps skype is fantastic for faraway relatives, could you skype on Christmas day?

mum2Bomg Sun 23-Oct-16 08:40:20

Our house is tiny and there are a lot of them but they would be welcome. She certainly won't be mine but I hadn't even considered the idea of them going and leaving me and have found this really upsetting (I'm normally not a cryer!). He'll be a great Dad. I'm just shocked that he's made out this has all been arranged and it really hasn't. He's been quite spiteful about it.

I suppose I just thought his focus would be on us, and our new little family. Added to that, she might be late and these rigid plans to visit people bother me as I've never done this before and he's being so inflexible.

I'm willing to accept if I am being unreasonable as I'm huge and emotional but why would he out this on me now? Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

NerrSnerr Sun 23-Oct-16 08:40:44

I thought you were going to say 5 hours away. An hour an a half is nothing- if the baby has already been around a month by them I'm sure you will have done a few journeys like that and will realise it's fine. He shouldn't have sworn at you but it sounds a lot like what you want (to be near your family etc) but not what he would like to do.

My inlaws are an hour and a half away and we will often do it in a day with our child, it really isn't a long journey.

PumpkinOfLinus Sun 23-Oct-16 08:41:33

YABVU. He wants his family to meet the baby - why are your parents more important than his?

PNGirl Sun 23-Oct-16 08:41:52

Well, when will his family get to see her? She is their granddaughter just as much as your parents'. He shouldn't have sworn at you but you don't seem very open to discussing this beyond "Nope this was already decided".

Heirhelp Sun 23-Oct-16 08:42:26

I am really not impressed with the way he is treating you and him swearing at you.

I have said this before but my baby was born at over a week past due date as first babies often are, I was not well as was readmitted into hospital and just got home at day 18. For you that would be Christmas Day.

From your post it seems like you live close to your family but far away from his. We live close to both sets of parents but I visit my parents during the week and his parents are odd so our DD sees my parents more often. It causes issues.

Bruce02 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:42:31

I think him swearing is shit.

But quite honestly I dint get the issue. Yes there could be complications with the birth. But you cab rearrange if that happens. Most births go fine.

Spending a day visiting family between Christmas and new year isn't a huge deal. And let's be honest it's a week where nothing really happens and traffic is lighter than usual.

Dhs family lives 3 hours away and I don't think twice about taking the kids who need entertaining there and back.

I assume they will be coming to you to after the baby is born to meet him/her?

SwearyInn Sun 23-Oct-16 08:42:47

He shouldn't have sworn, but you are being extremely unfair. As others have said, it's his baby too. You really need to stop being so selfish.

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