To move?(35 Posts)
DS(7) and I live in a rural village, I have lived here all my life as has DS. My parents and siblings all live here and DS has a good group of friends at the very small but excellent local primary. There are a few afterschool clubs which run on random days of the week until 4pm but otherwise I rely entirely on my parents for childcare and have to travel over an hour to uni for study/ work placement. There are hardly any jobs in the area and those that come up are not suitable logistically/ are not the type of work I want to end up stuck in as there would be very limited opportunity for progression and I don't want to do the type of work that generally comes up.
I have decided to move in with my boyfriend, he lives in the town my uni is in. I have found DS an excellent but much larger school (provided placing request is granted). I will be too far away for my parents to help with childcare but this school has breakfast club and afterschool club until 6pm as well as holiday clubs. I should be able to find part time work in this town around studying as well as being close to uni- meaning I will actually be at home more for DS instead of spending nearly three hours a day travelling. There will be better opportunities for me in terms of work once I qualify and DS will have so much more on his doorstep in terms of extra curricular activities plus leisure facilities (swimming pool, parks, childrens sports teams, music lessons, art and drama clubs).
Currently just feel trapped where I am and see no future for us if we stay put but there's a village mentality that seems to hold people here for generations.
My family have been less than enthusiastic about this. Mum refuses to engage in discussion about it, my sister made horrible comments about my DP being DS' "new dad" and have said it's unfair to take DS out of school and away from his friends etc.
I don't feel I'm being selfish- I think that whilst there will be alot of adjusting for DS at first, in the long run this will open up opportunities and make life more settled for us both.
I'd like my family to see things from my point of view but atm there's just a horrible atmosphere and I also don't feel I need to 'justify' my decision to them but I'd like them to be on board.
I have a feeling they think the move is due to wanting to live with DP, but I had started looking at places to live in this town before we got serious.
I worry that maybe I am being selfish and just missing what everyone else seems to be seeing.
I suppose they feel rejected, you want something different from their life. And they want to protect you. I'd say go for it, you can always come back if you change your mind. It's not the other end of the country.
I can't understand how you have managed to spend your whole life there until now.
I think your boyfriend should move in with you and you stay where you are for the time bring, until you've finished in education.
If everything's still going well after that, then move.
I wouldn't uproot my child, to move towns, change school, etc, to live with someone I'd never lived with before.
My boyfriend has a good job in his hometown and he couldn't travel. Him moving to be with me wouldn't alleviate any of the problems I have with childcare, travel and finding work. It would just add another person to my household who has to travel 40 miles to work every day.
Why can't your boyfriend travel?
You don't currently have any problems with childcare, you've said your parents cover it.
Any part time work you find whilst studying will probably end up only covering the cost of the childcare you'll need.
I'm not saying stay in the village for ever, but I honestly can't see the sense in moving until you're finished at uni and ready to work. If it was just you I'd say go for it, but it's not, you have a child to consider.
It seems a lot easier and more sensible for your boyfriend to move to you whilst you have a trial run at living together.
What if things don't work out with the bf after 6 months, can you afford to move home again with all the associated costs of that? Can you afford a home in that town, covering all the bills and childcare costs on your own? Or would you be moving back to the village and changing schools and uprooting your son again?
I think cosmic has summed it up pretty neatly.
DHs parents live in a similar place and a lot of his childhood friends have the 'but why would you leave?' attitude. You're essentially saying you don't want their life. Nothing wrong with that in the slightest, but they see it as a criticism
or it potentially tugs at personal regrets .
How long have you been with DP would be my only question, is there a risk it could fizzle out and then you'd move back? If you're happy it could work in the medium term then I'd do it. There will always be reasons related to your son that make you question it but, imo, it is easier at this age than, say, the transition to secondary school, gcse years etc.
It seems perfectly logical to move to the town BUT - how well do you know DP? How long have you been together? How much time do you spend together?
Moving in with a child is a big deal, and can be far more stressful than you expect. Could you do the move to the town, close to DP & uni, then spend more time together so that you have a good idea of how living together will feel.
It could be really awful for you & DS if you moved in with DP, it didn't work out, then you couldn't afford to move out so you felt trapped.
How confident are you in the relationship?
There is no public transport that gets to his hometown in time for him to start work. He cannot drive or learn to so unless it was a day where I was also travelling to uni or work he would have no way of getting there.
Regardless of that, as I said in my OP I had already decided to move and was looking at places to rent before DP asked me if I'd like to move in with him- we have a good relationship and this makes sense financially and logistically. If I was single and didn't have a boyfriend at all I would still be looking at relocating.
If living with my boyfriend doesn't work out, I would not move back home. I would move to a place of my own- house prices are more or less the same and I have managed childcare costs in the past on my own when the job I had didn't work around my parents being able to help.
I'm very confident in the relationship, we spend about half the week together as it is- some of this is with DS and they get on really well.
I feel like I have half a life in my village and half a life in town, splitting myself in two.
Well you've obviously thought it all through and you've obviously reached some sort of tipping point with village life - so yes, make the move. Just make sure you protect your financial security if it does go tits up with the BF. And give your parents lots of reassurance that you'll still see them often - it's bound to be very unsettling for them, especially if they're used to seeing your DS each day.
Seems reasonable to me, OP. Good luck with it and have confidence in what you're doing! I hated living in a poky place where the entire town knew my business. Moving away into a new life is your choice. If doesn't make it a bad one!
I am at tipping point. I planned leaving long ago until I got pregnant and had to put things on hold. Village life did suit us when he was alot younger but now that he's at school and I've managed to start building a carreer it just doesn't work any more.
My main worry is taking him out of his familiar school and him having to make new friends etc. I will of course make sure he still sees his grandparents regularly- I'll miss them too!
There is so much I want to say but it ultimately would say that you must do what's best for you and your ds,yes,your family may be miffed but will come to understand that you are doing this to build a better life(and who doesn't want that for their children).Is say go for it hun...I did a sort of similar thing recently(dp and I moved to a very rural area basically for a better quality of life for my two young children-and we are so much happier and the children are thriving).Good luck in whatever you choose xx
It sounds very sensible to me. I wonder if there is some jealousy going on, seeing you start a new life elsewhere, literally moving on.
There's no reason to suppose he won't settle into a new school just fine. Bigger schools mean a bigger choice of kids to be friends with, he'll find his gang.
My family were a bit sniffy when I said I wanted to move to London (from small rural market town in the East Midlands), and still ask if I would move back despite my having a job, house and kids down here. I suppose they couldn't appreciate why I'd want to leave.
I think think all you can do is explain your plan to them, reassure them they'll see your son then go for it. No apologies; it's your life and you're doing what you think is best.
I think there could be lots going on.
Yes they probably feel you are rejecting them. Perhaps they also don't feel it's well thought out or concerned about the risks.
If you were my child I would be worries about things like
What if your ds is sick, will you be able to just skip uni or work. What if he gets sick often and you have no one to help out.
What will the impact be on ds if it doesn't work out and you have to move him schools again. If you split before you finish uni, can you afford to stay in the new area.
Is the boyfriend the right sort of person to become a step dad? (What do they think of him) and long term partner.
I would be concerned you would find yourself unhappy but feeling isolated and scared to leave
I would definitely try and be supportive. But I would also be concerned for my child and their child.
I am not saying any of the above should stop you doing this. But I do understand why your parents are possibly taking this badly.
Unfortunately some people do have this mentality. The whole family live in a particular place, and the concept of one member wanting something different is threatening to them. i guess it's perhaps a mix of fear (if they don't have broad horizons they feel 'safe' with what they know) and a touch of envy. What if you move and you do end up happier/ more fulfilled/ you and your son have wider opportunities etc? Perhaps that feels like a criticism of the lives they lead.
You need to stand firm in a non
Confrontational way, just quietly go ahead with preparing for your move and show them it's quite possible to live somewhere else but maintain good family relationships.
Ultimately if they can't live without being in each other's pockets that's their issue not yours
PS - remember too that another emotion colouring your siblings' view is likely to be a mix of admiration/envy that you're standing up to your mother, who sounds quite controlling, and passive aggressive (the refusing to engage in discussion)
Who knows- maybe your siblings have harboured dreams of spreading their wings and haven't had the confidence to go against your parents wishes.
It's going to be one or the other basically- either your siblings are all genuinely completely fulfilled staying in their home village (and can't get Their heads round the fact that you aren't)
Or they aren't as fulfilled as they make out, and are envious that you're taking steps to change your life.
So I'm afraid either way, you probably cant change their views. You just need to focus on doing what's right for you
If DS is sick, it would be the same situation as him being sick here. My parents both work full time, so yes, I have to call in sick/skip uni myself- is this not what all parents have to do at some point? It has always been this way, thankfully he doesn't get ill very often. If he took ill at the new school, I'd be five or ten minutes away instead of over an hour.
If it doesn't work out with DP, DS will stay at the new school. The town is small enough that even if I moved to a different area, he wouldn't need to change.
I wouldn't be moving in with DP if I didn't think he would be good for my son.
My brother has voiced similar concerns but has been diplomatic and can understand my side of things too. If he can be supportive why can't anyone else?
I understand they will miss us being nearby, but honestly where we live, an hour isn't actually considered that long a drive (unless you're doing it daily during rush hour or at 7am after a 12 hour nightshift). Its not like I'll be on the other side of the world.
Also, I actually really love the town I'll be moving to. There is a gorgeous beach, lovely places to walk, great parks, we can go and watch the local team play football, good places to eat, friendly people, shops.. House is nice and we have a good size garden, i have friends in the town... Even practicalities aside there is so much more here than the one shop and one crap pub thats in my village.
I hope you have factored in the change in behaviour your 7 year old will exhibit on moving. You will be taking him away from everybody he knows and loves, to move in with a male who will exert influence over him, a new school, a strange place and lots of strangers about him.
While not disagreeing with your need to move I think you are oversimplyfing the problems that could occur.
I think it will be quite a change for DS to be away from all his friends and family but that change will imo be easier to handle at 7 at the start of ks2 than leaving it until he is older.
From the sounds of it you will make the move from the village eventually and this is the least disruptive time to do so unless you wait until the start of year 7.
Thanks gamer we are in Scotland so not sure at what ages ks2 or year 7 occur but he is in primary 3 just now, young enough I think to make new friends relatively easily. If I wait till I qualify he will be ready to start seocndary school and I think that would be much more difficult for him.
Ozzie I know what you'r saying and I do understand that there will be struggles, his behaviour is good at the minute and I expect that might change whilst he is adjusting but he gets on really well with my partner and I will be around all the time to begin with to help him adjust. Im not flinging him and DP into a full on stepdad/stepson relationship where he is expected to take on full on parenting right away. DP doesnt have children and dS has never had a father figure so i intend to take baby steps where thats concerned.
For reference Ks2 would be the start of juniors at primary school so P4 and year 7 would be the start of secondary I.e. S1.
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