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AIBU to expect some support after all I did for him

(17 Posts)
bikerlou Sat 22-Oct-16 15:04:13

Ok my dh left me a few weeks ago so he could pursue a BDSM lifestylewithout having to answer to me, one that I have absolutely no interest in and refuse to participate in.

Over the 20 odd years we have known each other I have bailed him out financially countless times to the tune of thousands of pounds, gave him a home when he was homeless, supported him on every countless occasion he has lost his job, put up with his going to nightclubs and turned a blind eye to his sordid activities.

I never failed to be there when I was really needed. Now I need an operation to relieve the 8/10 scale pain I'm in 24 hours a day. I'm trying to work full time whilst on morphine to pay all the bills. Work will not pay for the time off I need which is going to be about 4 months as they have really tightened the sickness you can take.

I asked him if he would consider staying for an extra 4 months and pay the mortgage and bills while I recover from my operation and then leave and I will not interfere with his life while he is here - he can basically do what he wants. For the first time in his life he is earning big money and can easily afford to do this.

He has however ignored my plight and moved out meaning I've had to cancel my op and continue for God knows how many years in this awful pain or have the op and lose my job and my house. After all I have done for him AIBU to expect him to stay for a short period and support me. He said no.

I wouldn't treat my worst enemy like this, I'd help if anyone asked me to do them a favour like this but he is eager to get away and start his new life. I feel my whole marriage has been a pathetic sham and him a waste of space. I wished I had dumped him before he ever moved in with me and had married someone who was worthy of me.

How can anyone treat another human being like this without any love or compassion and sentence them to years of pain when I loved and cared for him through thick and thin. I have totally lost my faith in humanity. I think my marriage meant everything to me and nothing to him. The last time we met a few weeks ago he held my hand and kissed me and I thought he still cared. Could he have some sort of personality disorder? I just can't understand it.

Arfarfanarf Sat 22-Oct-16 15:25:49

He's a dick.
Not everything is a disorder.
He sould like a totally selfish person.
You were unrealistic to expect someone who has consistantly proven that they are only interested in their own pleasure and best interest to do anything that only benefits someone else!

When you were no longer of use, he had no further use for you.
He is a grade A bastard. That's all you need to understand. Anything beyond that is more like seeking excuses for his behaviour so that it's somehow not his fault and therefore not his choice to treat you so badly.

But it is and it was.

Talk to ss see if they can arrange help so you can have your surgery. Talk to your work about the safety of your job.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Sat 22-Oct-16 15:28:58

flowers, OP.

Over the 20 odd years we have known each other I have bailed him out financially countless times to the tune of thousands of pounds, gave him a home when he was homeless, supported him on every countless occasion he has lost his job, put up with his going to nightclubs and turned a blind eye to his sordid activities.

I wonder why you did all these things though? Do you have any insight into why you put up with this behaviour (so you can avoid his type in the future)?

Sparklesilverglitter Sat 22-Oct-16 15:36:37

Is his name on the mortgage OP? If so surely he has to continue payments?

I can kind of understand him wanting to go for a "clean break" but after 20 years he must care for you surely so you'd think he would of helped.

I struggle to see why he would be this way. He must know about the pain your in and need to OP

When my Aunts marriage broke down she was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after and he (Now ex) DH stayed and helped her until she got the all clear. They had been together a long time so he helped her

Scarydinosaurs Sat 22-Oct-16 15:43:00

I'm appalled your work won't grant your sick leave. Are you able to take holiday together to roll it over?

TheSparrowhawk Sat 22-Oct-16 15:43:55

YABU to expect it. This is a lesson that should be taught to all children, but to women especially. Only give what you can afford to do without. Do not give your entire self to someone who gives nothing back. He has drained the life out of you for years and he continues to do so - nothing has changed. If society had taught you properly you would have realised years and years ago that this was a lost cause.

Sorry to be so harsh but you have to realise he will never be the person you fantasised him to be. He is a nasty bastard and will be till the day he dies.

I really hope you find some way to make the op work.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 22-Oct-16 15:47:17

Because he's a selfish arse. Who cares if he has a PD. He's still being a wanker.

Any chance of a mortgage holiday, any other plan?

Bruce02 Sat 22-Oct-16 15:50:19

I think yabu. Because he clearly is a dickhead.

Why would you expect him to do anything given all the shot he has done.

Of course yanbu to want some help and you would hope he would do this, if the marriage was a decent one that came to a natural decent end and was an amicable split.

Buy he has been awful for years. Stop expecting him to become decent. It's not going to happen. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, though.

bikerlou Sat 22-Oct-16 16:35:47

Sadly I see it now but didn't throughout our whole marriage. I was so shocked at his response that I was barely able to speak. I'm afraid I only ever see the best in people and thought he was a decent human being.
I am going to counselling to have my head examined and make sure I never pick someone like this again.
Of course our marriage wasn't perfect, we had a lot of rows and I hated him towards the end but I always thought that when it came to life or death or sickness or whatever that the other would help. I would NEVER have left him in this state no matter what he did, he was my partner for 20 years and as such deserves some dignity and I thought that would work the other way round too. Obviously not.
But the level of betrayal is appalling. I couldn't as a human being do this to anyone no matter what.
I'm not sure what I will do yet, it will probably involve taking 2 years annual leave, he knows full well I can't increase the mortgage at my age.

bikerlou Sat 22-Oct-16 16:37:29

Fantasy is about right Sparrowhawk.

Love51 Sat 22-Oct-16 16:41:37

You can sometimes get a mortgage holiday. As in you don't have to pay it for a few months. Depends on your lender and deal. Worth an ask.
Also if it is a joint house and not solely yours, it is in his interest to get the mortgage paid, else it will be the bank's house.

sleepy16 Sat 22-Oct-16 16:46:42

Totall shit that he has left you in this situation, I don't know if this is an option but have you a spare room that you could rent out?
Hope you get something sorted, and that arse of a husband gets his just deserves.

bikerlou Sat 22-Oct-16 16:51:55

I'll try the mortgage break and I have let a room to a student. Luckily it's my house or I'd be in a hostel right now. Let's hope there is such a thing as karma.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 22-Oct-16 16:55:53

You can do it! This is your chance to prove you don't need any assistance from him. To yourself. flowers

yorkshapudding Sat 22-Oct-16 18:43:34

I have a lot of professional experience with personality disorders and, honestly, your Husband just sounds like a selfish twat.

YANBU to hope for a bit of support and understanding after so many years together. But I would hazard a guess that, as he has proven himself to be self-centred and unreliable, even if he was to offer you his support now it might well end up being withdrawn at a moment's notice when it suits him anyway. At least this way you are clear on where you stand and what you're facing.

I wouldn't hold out any hope of him suddenly turning into a reasonable and compassionate human being. Instead I would be focusing my efforts on finding a decent Solicitor, establishing what my rights were and looking into a mortgage break to give me some breathing room.

Scarydinosaurs Sat 22-Oct-16 20:08:31

I really hope you are permitteda mortgage holiday. It's outrageous to think you won't be able to have your op.

Alorsmum Sat 22-Oct-16 20:10:29

If he's earning big money and you're still married you should get legal advice

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