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To think my sister is a bitch

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MrsOs Sat 22-Oct-16 12:31:01

I'll try and keep it brief. There is me, older sister who lives up north and middle sister.

When my dad died 6 years ago my mum was distraught my middle sister who lived around the corner from mum who is a snotty nose bitch who thinks she is above everyone fell out with us all (mum older sister and me) she took against where mum wanted to cremate dad she thought it was a rough area, refused mum access to her grandchildren and accused me of taking over everything! She even told mum in a letter that dad thought she was horrible! In the end middle sister was removed from being executor of mums will and mum said she didn't want her interfering with anything to do with her if she got sick/ died. There was no contact for 5 years.

I was there to pick mum up and have been there every weekend for 6 yrs to take her shopping and look out for her. Older sister lives far away up north. Mum has been ill since June and has just been diagnosed with motor neurone disease she is dying and it is progressing at an incredible rate. She has been in hospital for a month and now she can't talk, walk, swallowing has gone and bladder isn't working. Everyone said middle sister should be told when she was told said she wasn't interested. But since then has been to see mum a few times in hospital. I think it's fairly tense.

Older sister said don't worry she won't interfere with anything but mum and her need to end things on good terms which I agree with. Older sister btw is a passive aggressive bitch too and we can get along but we argue when she says nasty things and I get upset about it! She can never see she does anything wrong. Turns everything around to be my fault.

So yesterday mum was meant to go to a care home but transport didn't turn up. I went to the care home and older sister was there. She said check the paper work.i did and found she has put middle sister after her as who to contact in an emergency.

I couldn't bloody believe it! Mum wouldn't want that. So if mum was dying and they couldn't raise older sister they will phone the middle sister! Who hasn't given a fig about mum. When I asked why she said I was being paranoid and that she is the next of kin and if I was so worried I should tell them that I should know first because that will make me feel good! So now we aren't talking and I feel so hurt by what's she done. Do I tell mum what's she done and get the paperwork changed?

The older sister all along has been very clear that middle sister should be kept at a distance so I can't understand why she has done this! It really hurts!

wheresthel1ght Sat 22-Oct-16 12:33:42

I think you all need to stop acting like spoilt brats and start working together for your mum

Oldfossil Sat 22-Oct-16 12:37:57

Sorry but being the youngest of three ... you are last in line when in comes to next of kin... regardless of any family disputes. You seriously and I mean seriously need to get over it.,

ilovesooty Sat 22-Oct-16 12:38:04

I'm sorry your mum is so ill. This is not the time to pursue your childish squabbles.

gamerwidow Sat 22-Oct-16 12:38:17

I can understand why it hurts to be not be put as first next of kin when you've been so much closer to your mum for the last 6 years and you should update the contact details so you are contacted first because I think that's what your mum would want.
BUT I also think that you need to grit your teeth and build bridges with your sisters even if it is only for these last few months of your mums life. Your mum does not want to see her children fight now and you need to put her first.

MrsChrisPratt Sat 22-Oct-16 12:38:53

This sounds like a very one sided account where everyone is awful but you. Obviously it's an incredibly difficult situation for you but perhaps consider how other people are also feeling. We are all at the centre of our own worlds and the good guys in our own stories, but things are rarely that black and white.

MatildaTheCat Sat 22-Oct-16 12:39:49

No, do nt tell your DM, that can achieve nothing. Ask that the care home contact all of you in an emergency. For now it would be far better if the three of you put your differences aside and focussed on your DM. Each of you has her own relationship with her and that's what is important.

We as a family have a family group whatsapp that we use to communicate about DH's parents so everyone is kept in the loop and no need to endless repetitive phone calls.

Time sounds short so try to keep things calm. Your description of both your sisters isn't nice, no doubt it's too late to repair all that goes before but you can all work together to give your DM a peaceful end.

ilovesooty Sat 22-Oct-16 12:45:07

My sister and I have only had minimal communication for the past five years to ensure my mum was well cared for. When she was dying we made a mutual agreement to put our disputes behind us. We were both with her when she died last week and are supporting each other now.
It's the only thing to do.

NotDavidTennant Sat 22-Oct-16 12:52:34

"Sorry but being the youngest of three ... you are last in line when in comes to next of kin... regardless of any family disputes. You seriously and I mean seriously need to get over it.,"

Only true with respect to the Mental Health Act where the "nearest relative" (which means the eldest if two or more people are equally related) has to be contacted. In all other cases there are no formal rules about who constitutes next of kin. Generally if the patient has capacity then they get to decide.

MrsOs Sat 22-Oct-16 12:53:43

At this time of great distress when I'm watching my mum die in one of the worse possible ways thanks for calling me a spoilt brat! I hope people are equally kind to you when you are at your lowest point!

My mum wouldn't want my middle sister making decisions for her she has made that clear. This isn't about being upset re ranking I know I'm not next of kin. This isn't about that. You don't realise what has been said and done and how mum has felt about my sister.

ilovesooty Sat 22-Oct-16 12:56:10

I know how my mum felt about my sister for a long time and how I felt.

I still know that putting things behind us was the right thing to do and if you persist with this resentment you'll be unhappier for it.

FlyingElbows Sat 22-Oct-16 12:58:08

Now is not the time for a childish game of "who loves Mum the most". If you feel strongly then speak to the staff but do not make your grief processing (and that's what this is) your mother's problem.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 22-Oct-16 13:00:42

This sounds like a very one sided account where everyone is awful but you. Obviously it's an incredibly difficult situation for you but perhaps consider how other people are also feeling. We are all at the centre of our own worlds and the good guys in our own stories, but things are rarely that black and white.

I tend to agree.

Calling your sister a bitch isn't on really.

MrsOs Sat 22-Oct-16 13:01:05

I get about putting differences aside for mums sake and I have done so far and will do but that doesn't mean I have to like them in the slightest now or in the future

ilovesooty Sat 22-Oct-16 13:03:15

Your OP didn't indicate your willingness to put your differences aside for your mum's welfare.

That's what people are responding to.

Liiinoo Sat 22-Oct-16 13:03:53

Emotions and tempers are understandably running high here.

I can understand your hurt at not being named as next of kin when you are so much closer to your mum. Age has nothing to do with it. If someone doesn't have a living partner or parent the next of kin is whoever they choose and it seems quite clear that if your mum was in a position to make such a choice it would be you. But that being said, perhaps your big sister was trying to be supportive and take some of the burden off you.

Both your sisters will be upset / frightened just as you are, but they have an added burden of guilt about their poor relationships with your mum. BIg Sis might be trying to make up for the past by shouldering some responsibility now.

Even if none of this is true and they are both actually dyed in the wool bitches your historic and current anger with them shouldn't come between you continuing to love and support your mum so don't bother her with this. She has been dealing with this conflict all her life and deserves a break now. if your Big Sis won't make the alterations to the records that you want you might have to accept it. It won't change anything between you and your mum and that is the relationship that is most important to you at the moment.

ohfourfoxache Sat 22-Oct-16 13:06:59

Can you get the paper work changed without telling your mum? Preferably removing middle sister altogether?

MrsOs Sat 22-Oct-16 13:09:09

I don't want to be next of kin! My older sister is that! It's if they have an emergency and they can't get my older sister she has said to phone my middle sister (which is not what mum would want).

kerryob Sat 22-Oct-16 13:10:02

No you should be next of kin, if your sister lives up north how is supposed to get to your mum as quickly as you can? It doesn't matter who is the oldest that kind of crap annoys me, you've been there for your mum and that what counts. I don't understand how some families can let one or two siblings take care of the parents & just because someone is older they have automatic right to take over at the end regardless if they have actually supported their parents when it was truly needed. Sorry but the organisation of a funeral is a doodle in comparison to looking after someone that is ill. Ask the care home to contact you if your mum needs anything, they' ll probably know you better if you up there more than your sisters.

Your mum is already aware of the situation between you & your sisters, she knows what her children are like. Just speak to the care home directly & ask that all sisters are contacted, this can't be the first time they've experienced a situation like this. They might decline but at least you've asked. Ignore the passive aggressiveness from your older sister & the idea to set up a whatapp group is a good idea to avoid any arguments, keep it factual as well.

I'm sorry your mum is so ill, focus on her & spending time with her because you can't get that time back when she's gone & that's the important thing in this situation. Even if it's just holding her hand because your memories will be a comfort for you when she passes.

AyeAmarok Sat 22-Oct-16 13:10:58

No don't tell your mum, just put yourself on there as the contact.

No point whipping up unnecessary drama at a time like this.

PoppyBirdOnAWire Sat 22-Oct-16 13:11:37


Your middle sister is ranked above you in the pecking order. You are all behaving abominably, in my opinion.

Yamadori Sat 22-Oct-16 13:11:38

'Next of kin' isn't the same thing as 'emergency contact'. It makes sense for the emergency contact person to be the one who lives nearest, surely?

AyeAmarok Sat 22-Oct-16 13:11:39

*The contact after your older sister, I mean.

MrsOs Sat 22-Oct-16 13:11:59

The relationship between older sister and mum is ok. And it's been older sister and I looking after mum. Together. We are joint executors of the will and I have said all along for people to speak to my sister who is next of kin. 'Mum wanted to appoint me and my older sister as lasting power of attorney older sister knew this so why push me to one side now when it's Been her and me all along

MrsOs Sat 22-Oct-16 13:12:57

No middle sister lives closest and mum doesn't want her interfering in any decisions to do with her care she has said that!

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