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To ask DH to change day out

(88 Posts)
BonitaApplebaum Sat 22-Oct-16 09:58:28

Nc'd for this as very outing

MIL has terminal brain tumours, currently at her home but has only months left, she's unsteady on her feet, repetitive and has occasional seizures but otherwise ok.

She volunteers at a large central London tourist attraction and wants DH and her to go with 3 DCs during half term.

I have asked him not to, and instead wait until another adult can go (I can't get the day off work to go too early), as:

- she will be in a wheelchair
- they will have to get cab, train, bus/cab either way, a good hour and a half in either direction
-if she gets taken ill (which could happen, her seizures are not totally controlled) he will have to send her off in ambulance alone, to a hospital a good 1.5 hours away from her/our homes
- She will also not manage more than a couple of hours as she tires so easily now

I have suggested instead they go to one of myriad local attractions he can drive directly to/from that is nearer her house/hospital/hospice/husband if she dies get taken ill, that will be less intense then we find another weekend we can all go to 'her' place so I can be in charge of DCs and he his mum.


DCs are 11, 9, 7

BonitaApplebaum Sat 22-Oct-16 09:59:09


QuiteLikely5 Sat 22-Oct-16 10:02:04

I think yabu. They wouldn't allow her to volunteer if she posed that much of a risk.

Life is short, this may well be the last time they get to do this with her.

It's what she wants and it's about her and her dgc.

ChuckBiscuits Sat 22-Oct-16 10:02:38

I can't get the day off work to go too early

Have you asked for the day off and explained it might be her last chance to go?

BonitaApplebaum Sat 22-Oct-16 10:04:11

I just cannot take the day off, we could go any weekend after it

And, sorry, she no longer volunteers there due to health, she stopped after her last stroke

someonestolemynick Sat 22-Oct-16 10:07:45

I think yabu, sorry.

Your kids are hardly babies, your MiL wouldn't be in charge on her own. I would understand the worry if she was taking them into London on her own (but would still say yabu on balance).
Your MiL has full mental capacity and seems to have thought things through. And her tiring easily... well, what an excellent lesson in compassion for the dc.

Strongmummy Sat 22-Oct-16 10:09:51

I understand your concerns, but on the basis your kids are the age they are I think YABU. This may be a very important trip to your Mil; she may feel it's the last time she can do. Perhaps explain your concerns to your DH and have an action plan in place in case something happens

neonrainbow Sat 22-Oct-16 10:11:04

The children aren't babies. I don't think you can realistically stand in the way of this.

DropZoneOne Sat 22-Oct-16 10:11:10

How does she manage on the days she volunteers? If she gets herself to/from London ok then your H is mainly in charge of the children and the ages suggest they'd be pretty easy to keep in check.

I'd see if I could get the time off on compassionate grounds but otherwise let them go. If she's "months left", with respect to her, it's not going to get any better from this point and there may not be another chance where she feels able to manage at all.

Where is FIL, can he help? Does she have friends/carers that could come too?

FuckyNell Sat 22-Oct-16 10:12:29


motheroreily Sat 22-Oct-16 10:12:35

My mum had a terminal brain tumour. I can't compare your mil to my mum but I remember how I felt.

I think they should go. I don't mean to sound cold but what's the worse that will happen? She will have to go to a hospital in London that is not nice and would be inconvenient but this isn't a normal situation. This will probably be the last chance for them to go together and that risk outweighs the positive of making your mil happy and making a nice memory.

Or arrange it for the weekend when you can go.

ILookLikeMyDog Sat 22-Oct-16 10:12:46

I think yabu.

Your DC are old enough to know the boundaries and not wander off. They're old enough to behave.

If I were you I'd phone in sick and spend the day with your family.

Life's too short

SheldonCRules Sat 22-Oct-16 10:14:42

YABU, your children aren't babies and old enough to be responsible and behave well on a day out.

If my DH suggested I didn't take a terminally I'll family member on something they wanted to do he wouldn't be my DH for much longer.

ilovesooty Sat 22-Oct-16 10:16:16

It might be their last chance to do this.
If you want to go ask for unpaid or annual leave. There isn't any justification in my view for ringing in sick when you're not.

positivity123 Sat 22-Oct-16 10:17:43

I think YABU. I think it will be fine but I'd sit down with your children before and explain to them what an important day it is and tell them how you expect them to behave on public transport etc. I bet they do really well and it will be good for them to have a nice memory with their Granny as she comes towards the end of her life

BonitaApplebaum Sat 22-Oct-16 10:22:53

Sheldon I am not asking that he doesn't go, just asking that he delays a week so I or her DH can go too.

She is a narc and it's actually about showing the DGCs off to her friends more than having a nice family day out

There is no way I'd take a sickie, can't afford unpaid leave and so me going on the day planned is just impossible

ILookLikeMyDog Sat 22-Oct-16 10:27:48

Slagging off your terminally ill mil isn't on.


RestlessTraveller Sat 22-Oct-16 10:30:25

I'm sorry op bus mum is terminally I'll, just as my soon to be MIL is. You don't get to have an opinion on this.

RestlessTraveller Sat 22-Oct-16 10:30:48

Bus - but his.

Sparklesilverglitter Sat 22-Oct-16 10:32:06

Let them go

Maybe she does want to show off her grandchildren, but lets face it the women is dying, she has a matter of months to live- Based on that she could show her grandchildren off as much as she liked

If DH asked me to delay taking a terminally ill memeber of family out, I know what I'd say....

BonitaApplebaum Sat 22-Oct-16 10:32:49

Look I'm not going into the why's and wherefores of her being narc now, but this is a woman who frequently rings MY mum in the early hours with her alcoholic DH ranting drunkenly to my mum and upsetting her

RestlessTraveller Sat 22-Oct-16 10:34:38

That really has no bearing on the fact that his mother is dying. It's coming across that this is more punishment to MIL than concern.

Pumpkinpie71 Sat 22-Oct-16 10:34:55

Absouletly let them go.

The woman is dying ffs! There is no guarantee she will even be alive if it's delayed.

Maybe she wants to show her grandchildren off but she's fucking dying so I wouldn't stop my mil doing so

If it was my mother and dh told me I had to delay, I'd tell him to fuck right off

QuiteLikely5 Sat 22-Oct-16 10:35:12

Very crass declaring she's a narc under the circumstances op!

It says more about you than her. So what if she wants to show her GC off!

You just want to be in control

TheSnorkMaidenReturns Sat 22-Oct-16 10:35:16

YABU, your husband can manage three older children and a sick mother.

She may be a narc, but wanting to show off your grandchildren to your former colleagues is not odd at all, especially when she is dying.

Let them go.

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