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To be hurt by what DH just said?

(43 Posts)
TheDonOfWinterville Fri 21-Oct-16 23:47:24

We were watching a comedy and a woman answered the phone to her husband who was basically saying she needed to go home as he couldn't cope with the kids. The woman had a lightbulb moment and snapped back "No! I'm out with my friends so get on with it!" Or words to that effect.

I laughed and joked "you think that's me!" And he replied ....

"Err yeah, apart from our version would be you saying "get on with it" and me saying "errr they 're not my kids!".

My kids are from previous relationship. We have none together.

I was joking, he took it to the next, personal level.

Aibu to think this was mean and unneccessary?

I told him it was a bit of a low blow and he shrugged it off. Was not at all bothered that he'd upset me.


Heratnumber7 Fri 21-Oct-16 23:48:28

Well, they aren't his kids....

TheDonOfWinterville Fri 21-Oct-16 23:50:09

I realise that but he feels the need to remind me of this quite often. Usually at the same time as waffling on about how perfect his own kids are.

Floggingmolly Fri 21-Oct-16 23:50:12

It seems a fairly spectacularly shitty thing to say hmm. What sort of relationship does he have with them?

APlaceOnTheCouch Fri 21-Oct-16 23:53:25

It sounds mean but I'm wondering if he thought you were being mean to equate him with someone who couldn't cope with the DCs?
It seems like you made a barbed comment so he made one back.
Of course if you have a history of arguing about looking after the DCs and him not treating them like his own, then that is a problem you do need to address.

KC225 Fri 21-Oct-16 23:53:25

He didn't upset you, it wasn't an actual conversation and he didn't 'say' it. There is no need for you to be upset unless you think there is an underlying issue.

e1y1 Fri 21-Oct-16 23:54:03

YANBU - the constant need to be reminding you that they're not his, is a spectacularly shitty thing to do.

SailingThroughTime Fri 21-Oct-16 23:56:09

You need to talk but wait till you're calm.

HeddaGarbled Sat 22-Oct-16 00:16:41

Hmm, not sure. You say that you were joking and he took it to the next personal level but might he have seen your "joke" as a personal comment? I don't really understand your comment in the context of the programme you were watching. "You think that's me" does sound a bit like an accusation.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 22-Oct-16 00:18:29

Can you explain what you mean by reminding you at the same time as his kids being perfect, like give an example?

TirednessIsComing Sat 22-Oct-16 07:52:34

Does he do this a lot? It sounds like you made a comment and he made one back. Does he think he does a lot more for your kids then you give him credit for?

Nataleejah Sat 22-Oct-16 08:24:52

Yeah, shitty thing to say and especially if its not a one-off

Penfold007 Sat 22-Oct-16 08:27:24

Your 'joke' backfired.

SharkBastard Sat 22-Oct-16 08:29:11

Does he provide for the children? Has he always held this view?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 22-Oct-16 08:31:25

I think you were having a pop at him, so he had a pop back. No big deal.

WhooooAmI24601 Sat 22-Oct-16 08:31:44

Oh I think I agree with Sailing that you need a talk. I have a DS with an Ex, I don't think DH has ever - in nearly 9 years together - reminded me that he's not his child. Because I don't think it matters to him.

leaveittothediva Sat 22-Oct-16 08:33:36

I think there may be some ongoing issues, especially if it hit a nerve for you to be so annoyed. Maybe, think about why it upset you so.

Lessthanaballpark Sat 22-Oct-16 08:37:15

"you think that's me!" Isn't really poking fun at DH though more at herself. More importantly he wasn't bothered that he'd upset her.

So much hurt in relationships would be avoided if people just apologised off the bat without thinking that an apology = admission of wrongdoing.

And by people I mean men wink

TheDonOfWinterville Sat 22-Oct-16 08:39:02

The "you think that is me!" Joke is something we often say to each other for a laugh. For instance if a geeky bloke with glasses comes on tv dh will say "you think that's me!" And we'll both laugh. If a woman comes on tv shoving chocolate into her mouth ill say "you think that's me!" And again we'll laugh about it. It's something daft we've done forever.

My kids are loud and outspoken with confidence. Dh's kids are extremely anxious, quiet and self conscious. In all the years I've known dh I have honestly never seen his kids actually speak to each other. They're now late teens and exactly the same and dh equates this to good behaviour and will often waffle on about how he has to put up with my kids yet his own are angels blah blah. I'm just getting a bit sick of the constant digs. It upsets me already that Dh and I will never have a child together so the constant reminder that we're not a real family is just making me want to sack the whole thing off completely. What's the point if we'll never be a real family?

CheerfulYank Sat 22-Oct-16 08:45:45

Was it Bad Moms? (off topic, sorry!)

Hmm...does he have a point about your kids, honestly? Loud and outspoken is sometimes a euphemism for bratty.

But yes if this is something you say often it does seem like an odd response unless there's something underlying that he's not saying. How old were the kids when he entered their lives?

booklooker Sat 22-Oct-16 08:47:20

Maybe you never will be a 'real' family while you hold that really nasty view of his children.

You seem to think that your own children are the anglels

Giselaw Sat 22-Oct-16 08:50:30

If you never see his kids speak to each other, did it not occur to you that it's you? I doubt they actually don't communicate. Maybe you're as outgoing as your children and they're intimidated by you. Or don't like you, so don't engage with you.

TheDonOfWinterville Sat 22-Oct-16 08:50:41

Yes it was bad moms 😄

My eldest is very confident and a good lad. He's currently away for the weekend with friends.
My youngest has behavioural issues which I'm trying to work on but just get constant digs about all the time. It makes me think life would be easier for all involved if I could concentrate on his bahviour elsewhere - away from the extra pressures of DH constantly getting at me about it.

And in all honestly, I'd rather have my kids the way they are then afraid of their own shadows like dss's are. I sometime so think dh is secretly anxious about the way his own kids are and that manifests itself into slagging me and mine off.

TirednessIsComing Sat 22-Oct-16 08:50:44

Do you call him out on the digs? Sounds like his tooting his own parenting horn and finding yours lacking.

Digs are unpleasant and I wouldn't stay with someone who said they had to 'put up with my kids.' It sounds like you are very different in parenting styles and that he feels your kids need more discipline while you feel his were stifled.

stitchglitched Sat 22-Oct-16 08:51:25

Are you the one with the teenage boys that he treats like crap and you were advised repeatedly not to marry him? Sounds familiar.

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