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Am I being a bit judgey... marriage of friends post affair...

(92 Posts)
FantaDog Fri 21-Oct-16 19:52:32

Please bare with me it's a bit complicated!
So we're a large groups of friends/ acquaintances in our mid thirties - mostly friends since school and grew up in the same community. Two married friends in this group had an affair, divorced their partners and are now getting married. I am (was?) very good friends with the women in this, and was sort of friends with her now partner, and know both ex's quite well.
They have been together about 18 months and now planning a very lavish wedding. I, and I think other mutual friends of all involved, are feeling really uncomfortable about this wedding. They are acting very full on about it, very public and spending a small fortune of what they both term as their perfect wedding, regularly suggesting that their previous weddings (which I and many other mutual friends attended!) weren't perfect and they knew they were marrying the 'wrong person'. Its the sort of thing where it is all over fb, all they ever talk about and just seems to be getting bigger each day. I know this is probably very judgey but I find the whole thing really distasteful, and if I'm honest a bit selfish. They caused a huge amount of hurt and both ex's dealt with it fantastically in my opinion for the sake of the children involved. I feel having an affair is awful enough but this 'show' is somehow rubbing extremes amount of salt into the wound. When this all happened the now ex's were very clear mutual friends shouldn't choose sides, but now it is becoming harder to remain neutral. Also in this are 7 primary aged children - 2 of which are really upset and refuse to attend the wedding. My good friend (the bride to be) seems to have changed so much in the past 18mths, I'm finding this behaviour both shocking and so out of character for her - she seems to enjoy the upset this is causing her exH who is actually quite a decent guy. WIBU to withdraw from this whole fiasco and not get involved in the hen do or wedding? Or should I just shut up, loosen the judgey pants and support them?

CremeEggThief Fri 21-Oct-16 19:54:26

YANBU. Sounds very distasteful of them.

Dontpanicpyke Fri 21-Oct-16 19:57:26

I think I would have to say something in this case but I don't expect they will care.

They both sound horrible op and I would be withdrawing a bit to suppprt the partners who were left.

MsVestibule Fri 21-Oct-16 20:21:24

I'm pretty sure that if I'd had an affair with a married man, and was still moving in the same social circles as the 'wronged woman', I'd be planning an extremely low key wedding.

Will you go to their wedding?

DiegeticMuch Fri 21-Oct-16 20:23:08

How crass. I'd be "washing my hair" on their wedding day.

CannotEvenDeal Fri 21-Oct-16 20:24:53

Urgh yanbu

EverySongbirdSays Fri 21-Oct-16 20:27:45

If my close friend slept with the husband of another of my close friends - I think I'd have to take a stand that that wasn't acceptable to me. Is there some reason, everyone has maintained good relations all round?

BadEngleesh Fri 21-Oct-16 20:29:05

I guess it's up to them what they do but I'd step back. Can you arrange a holiday or weekend away for the date of the wedding.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Oct-16 20:30:15

tackier than a tacky thing

mmmuffins Fri 21-Oct-16 20:33:53

I just wouldnt attend. I would be uncomfortable celebrating their vows.

RosieSW Fri 21-Oct-16 20:34:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme Fri 21-Oct-16 20:36:02

I would also be massively uncomfortable with this.

PinkyOfPie Fri 21-Oct-16 20:36:45

It's a hard one OP. A family member of mine had an affair and got pregnant very quickly with her new bloke (who in turn directed his GF), leaving her (wonderful) husband heartbroken and admitted to a mental health inpatient unit. They have kids together who were extremely adversely affected by this. A few years on relative is still with new partner has had the baby (who we all adore of course) but there has been so many horrible actions and heartbreak and pain that it feels hard to be completely happy for them, there's always an underlying feeling of sadness IYSWIM. I think if they were to get married it struggle to say a sincere congratulations on the day. They're talking of having another baby, which I know would devastate her older children, and I can't see how they don't see the impact of what they've done.

My advice would be, could you sincerely enjoy a day knowing everything that has gone on and be sincere in your happiness for them? If not you can't help how you feel and I don't think YWBU not to go

PinkyOfPie Fri 21-Oct-16 20:37:12

*ditched not directed!

AmeliaJack Fri 21-Oct-16 20:37:20

I wouldn't attend in these circumstances I don't think.

I would find it quite hard to hear them promise to be faithful.

What on earth are the speeches going to be like? Talk about an elephant in the room.

TheoriginalLEM Fri 21-Oct-16 20:43:05

They sound like cunts

hotdiggedy Fri 21-Oct-16 20:46:01

No I wouldnt be going and I would be retreating from the friendship promptly.

witsender Fri 21-Oct-16 20:47:43

It'd be a big fat no from me too. I'd be rethinking the friendship too.

Joskar Fri 21-Oct-16 20:48:10

I know a woman who left her (lovely) husband for their next door neighbour. She and the neighbour had a lavish wedding with a circus tent and a fairground (!) in the grounds of their house. They invited everyone in the village except her ex. Massively, massively mortifying for everyone.

Some folk just really, really need to justify to themselves that they've made a good choice even when they clearly haven't!

Olympiathequeen Fri 21-Oct-16 20:48:53

YANBU at all. Personally I think the OTT wedding is self justification and denial for the hurt to the other parties involved. All this perfect wedding and denigrating their ex partners is horrible. I would struggle to stay friends with either of them.

NataliaOsipova Fri 21-Oct-16 20:54:52

I think it depends on how much both these friendships matter to you, to be honest. It's not a popular view on here, but sometimes other people's relationships aren't as happy as they seem from the outside. It's easy to say "Well, in that case, you should just leave before someone else is involved" - but unless you're very, very rich (or very, very poor) it must be an enormous financial sacrifice and one where either or both parties don't get to see that much of their children. I have a relative who was in this position. He muddled along for many years in a not very happy marriage. He could have left - sure - but that would have been to a bedsit and seeing his kids half the time he did. So he carried on. Meeting someone else was the catalyst, sure - but it wasn't the cause of his breakup, if you see what I mean. It gave him the positive reason to leave a negative marriage.

In the case you describe - sure, they could handle it better and cut down on the ceremony. But unless you're sure what's gone on on both sides, then I'd take a step back and try not to judge. They may genuinely feel really happy and positive about the future and just be a bit blinded by this. If the friendship of the ex/exes matters more to you, then by all means decline and choose that side. But if you want to stay on good terms with the newly weds, I'd probably think around it again.

LuluNTutu Fri 21-Oct-16 20:55:25

YANBU, they sound ghastly.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Fri 21-Oct-16 20:59:36

Those poor kids.

I'd make my excuses and not go and get in there before everyone else does

ItShouldHaveBeenJessCastismas Fri 21-Oct-16 21:04:18

I'm wearing a judgey onesie on this one, complete with hood and feet. Ewww. Completely tasteless, brash and selfish. Yes, their previous relationships may have been unhappy, but this is the very bottom end of the self-awareness scale. They've hurt people and are now rubbing salt into the wounds. Ugh. If they were really happy together, they'd be cool with something a little less flamboyant and less likely to cause further pain and embarrassment.

Lelloteddy Fri 21-Oct-16 21:08:13

Tacky and desperate. You definitely need to be busy that day.
Poor kids caught up in the whole charade.

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