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To have said no more contact for a while?

(54 Posts)
user1477061914 Fri 21-Oct-16 16:50:27

Apologies, this is my first post and may be long.

My sister has a daughter, 8, and I have two boys, 5 and 2 and a half. My niece has always been very overbearing and is the double of her mother who I have always had a tumultuous relationship with.

They moved to our city over a year ago and I have always tried to make an effort to see them at least once a fortnight. SInce she was born I have tried to establish a good relationship with niece but it has become incredibly strained since the boys were born and as she has gotten old enough to know her behaviour is wrong.

My boys are far from perfect but they know right and wrong, more so than their elder cousin. She is not disciplined at home, empty threats, shouted at then followed by cuddles and whatever she wanted in the first place. She will have a tantrum if she does not get her own way and will scream and hit, adults and children alike.
My eldest has always been known by an abbreviation of his full name which is also a girl's name and since she has started school every time someone has said his name, she theatrically giggles. She hits and punches, when the boys were little, she'd bully by pushing, stealing, snatching, pinching, being generally mean and when they were tiny she would purposely wake them.

DS1 is thick-skinned and, by nature, extremely protective of DS2, her name calling and dismissiveness does not bother him, DS2 is the exact opposite and very sensitive, however, most of the time too young to understand the 'joke'.

The kids had a day off today, niece and eldest go to the same school . I had her round and did a Halloween type of day for the her and they boys, made cakes and did halloween-y crafts and were going to a soft play this afternoon.

DS2 had done a little Halloween jelly window stick on the other day, it was misspelt and wonky but he was incredibly proud of it. DH works shifts and the boys wait in the window when he's due home and he was delighted it was one of the first things his Dad spotted, therefore it became his proudest creation. He showed his cousin and since then it was target No.1.

I was making lunch and I heard shouts, screams and scuffles. Rush in and niece is rolling on the floor screaming, DS1 is kind of stood in the middle, DS2 is slumped against the arm of the settee clutching his head.

It takes a quick few minutes to ascertain DN had ripped his stickers off the window, he had run at her to stop her, she slapped him and pushed him, he fell and tried to get up, she shouted 'Stay down bitch' and pushed him again, he cracked his head against the coffee table, DS1 shoved DN, for which he was disciplined for, however, DS2's head was gashed and pouring with blood. Thankfully, it was a shallow cut that bleeds awfully and he is fine, but I was so angry.

She was not apologetic, she did not care and tried to blame everything on the boys. I called my sister to come and pick her up from work, she appreciated why I was furious and seemed herself taken aback by the violence. DH and I have said for a while she has severe aggression and behavioural problems and I've tried to broach the subject with sister many times but she laughs and regards her as 'bossy' or 'ballsy'. She's not.

I am wanting to text her and say I don't want niece around my children for the foreseeable future, she is a threat to their safety and I have had enough. AIBU before I say this?

PaperdollCartoon Fri 21-Oct-16 16:54:21


FlyingElbows Fri 21-Oct-16 17:03:03


JoJoSM2 Fri 21-Oct-16 17:05:37

Is there violence in your sister's household? Your niece's behaviour sounds completely abnormal. Can't even begin to imagine where she'd get such comments and behaviour from. I'd be worried about me family if I witnessed that...

Benson7683 Fri 21-Oct-16 17:05:58

Wow! Sounds like a nightmare, honestly YANBU, your niece's behaviour is only going to harm her in the long run, she can't go through life behaving like that

Ineededtonamechange Fri 21-Oct-16 17:07:27

I'd probably do it by phone/face to face.

I'd also probaby leave it a few days/until she next suggests it so you don't get caught up in your dsis' stress/frustration about DN's behaviour.

But Yanbu in terms of sentiment at all!!

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood Fri 21-Oct-16 17:07:38


BitchPeas Fri 21-Oct-16 17:08:55

YANBU you have to protect your kids and your sister needs to learn how to parent.

Sweets101 Fri 21-Oct-16 17:10:12

'stay down bitch' - where has she got that from?

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Fri 21-Oct-16 17:10:46

Face to face, not by text, but otherwise YANBU. Well done in getting her picked up as you did.

ThatStewie Fri 21-Oct-16 17:14:58

I'd be tempted to have a quiet word with the headteacher at the school - since a child with that much rage is a safeguarding flag. It may be mimicked behaviour or it may be that she is unable to control her emotions. Either way intervention might be helpful. Keeping her away from your child for their safeguarding is perfectly reasonable.

Arfarfanarf Fri 21-Oct-16 17:15:43

I think you have to. You must put your children first.

Rockingaround Fri 21-Oct-16 17:23:34

I wouldn't say no contact per se, I would just avoid! My nephew is similarly mean to my DD but isn't violent. That would flip me over the edge. Just be busy and have plans for the foreseeable future. If you reiterate to her parents why you don't want niece around the boys, it could get ugly, plus it doesn't sound like doing that would help change her behaviour anyway, I would just keep them at arms length, maybe when you feel enough time has passed, meeting at the park or other neutral place might be a good first step. YANBU AT ALL

GreatFuckability Fri 21-Oct-16 17:30:04

I think its probably best for everyone to put a bit of distance in there.
The bit that stands out for me is that you say she's the double of your sister and you and she don't really see eye to eye. So I think that in itself probably means this kid rubs you up the wrong way.

FurryLittleTwerp Fri 21-Oct-16 17:44:05

Why was she rolling on the floor screaming? confused I know your DS1 pushed her but really! Is she always such a drama queen? She sounds a right little madam angry

MagikarpetRide Fri 21-Oct-16 17:49:11

YANBU for wanting to keep them apart, but unless it comes up then I would say don't inflame the situation by putting it out there for now.

Flash13 Fri 21-Oct-16 17:49:25

Nothing helpful to add but I am just shock at your nieces behaviour and lack of discipline from her mother. Can you maybe involve your parents and stage an intervention type thing?

Elllicam Fri 21-Oct-16 17:52:38

Yadnbu. I would be cutting right down on contact too sad scary behaviour for such a young child.

ample Fri 21-Oct-16 17:55:55

Time and distance is the key here. Your Dsis will find out soon enough that is not your children aggravating situations but her own.

Protect your DC's, absolutely. There is no benefit at the moment of having your DN around them. Have a word with your Dsis one to one though. She's not going to like what she's hearing and that's just tough but you'd be fuelling the pot if you communicate your decision via text.

BumbleNova Fri 21-Oct-16 18:06:25

I'd be pretty concerned about an 8 year old being violent and then shouting "stay down bitch" - where has she seen that type of language and behaviour? thats worrying. and yes YANBU!

LadyStoic Fri 21-Oct-16 18:11:09

YADNBU. That behaviour is outrageous and not remotely within the realms of 'normal'. 'Stay down b**ch' WTAF? She needs better parenting with clear boundaries and your need to protect your children trumps your DSis's protestations re her DD by a mile.

I second the PP who said have a quiet word with the Head as the red flag is waving (plus she needs pulling up about the way she treats DS1 in school).

angry on your behalf, I'd be fucking livid.

LadyStoic Fri 21-Oct-16 18:16:00

Great 'I think that in itself probably means this kid rubs you up the wrong way.'

I'm not sure 'rubs you up the wrong way' quite covers how a parent would feel when their 2.5 year old has been lobbed onto a coffee table and sustained a head gash, and nor does it shift the reality of the DN's behaviour which has jack to do with how OP feels/felt about her DSsis hmm

Maudlinmaud Fri 21-Oct-16 18:22:16

In my job I have seen this type of behaviour so I'm not shocked. Sadly.
I certainly would not have your niece over without her mother in future.

YuckYuckEwwww Fri 21-Oct-16 18:23:36

YANBU you got to keep your kids safe

I would also be worried about your niece (this does NOT mean your kids have to be around her) as it is not normal for a kid her age to say "stay down bitch" to someone on the floor, she's seen that somewhere, either from inappropriate internet/tv viewing or in real life sad

I know it's your sister but your niece is a child and something's going wrong and as an adult you've got to put the child before the adult and raise the concerns, school is a good option for this.

ChasedByBees Fri 21-Oct-16 18:25:20

That's a completely reasonable stance.

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