Stop being so bloody polite!

[AmeliaJack]

I love MNers, I think you are a fantastic group of people, smart, funny, courageous.

But AIBU to think that lots MNers need to stop being so bloody polite?

I keep reading threads where the OP's problem could be resolved if they just opened their mouths and said what they thought.

It's driving me up the wall!

Smart, intelligent women (and men) who end up being imposed upon by friends/families/colleagues and sometimes even complete strangers because they are unable to say no.

MNers doing childcare they don't want to for some piss taking friend because they don't want to upset them.

MNers who repeatedly host badly behaved playdates because they aren't prepared to pick up the phone can call the parents. Still haven't recovered from the MNer who said nothing when a child deliberately peed on the floor

MNers who have houseguests who long outstay their welcome, but won't give them notice.

MNers whose friends owe them money but won't ask for it back.

MNers who put up with being kissed/touched/hugged when they don't like it.

MNers who hate their DM/ MIL letting themselves into their house but won't address it/ask for the key back.

MNers whoses friends/sister/colleague is clearly out of mine but no says anything

I'm not talking about current threads. I've been on MN for years and I always seem to be saying the same things.

It is not better for you to be distressed/angry/uncomfortable/inconvenienced than to say what you think and risk an argument.

Your feelings are just as important and valuable as the other persons.

Assert yourself people of MN!

I know it's hard. It gets easier with practice.

I know it can be embarrassing. It gets easier if you esteem your own feelings above other people's.

I know conflict can be upsetting and difficult, but is it more upsetting and difficult than being continually used and abused?

Sometimes you need to have the argument/debate/discussion.

Saying "no" doesn't necessarily lead to arguments and drama. You can get away with a lot it you say it calmly, firmly and with a smile on your face. Practice in the mirror people.

We seem to be conditioned to avoid arguments at a detriment to our own well being. It makes me genuinely sad.

[chickenowner]

You're right.

I've been telling myself that I need to say 'No' sometimes. It's not always easy, but I'm trying!

[Dontpanicpyke]

But saying and doing all those things is easy in your head and to tell other people to do but very hard to do it yourself.

[oldlaundbooth]

It's because they are British. Simples.

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU

Anxiety disorders aside, some people see a simple, polite but awkward conversation as 'confrontation'.

It really isn't.

[Maudlinmaud]

I said no to someones unreasonable request this week and apologised for doing so.

[AmeliaJack]

Don'tpanic it's not as hard as you might think. It gets easier, much easier with practice.

Standing up for yourself effectively makes you feel brilliant. It's much easier to do the next time.

[mum2Bomg]

Yes yes yes!! YANBU!

[AmeliaJack]

Worral I nearly mentioned social anxiety in my OP but took it out. As you imagined I'm not addressing those people for who this stuff must be unimaginably difficult.

I'm addressing the majority of people who could have control if they just took it.

I'm always stunned about what people will put up with rather than be a little bit embarrassed.

[AmeliaJack]

maudlin bless you.

The best advice my Mum ever gave me was "never apologise, never explain".

[Maudlinmaud]

Im taking that advice.
I dont know why I felt I had to explain or apologise and generally am assertive. It was tricky to just simply reply no that doesn't work for me.

[DeputyPecksBentBeak]

You're right but I think this may be the first time anyone has ever told mumsnetters to be less polite

[EssentialHummus]

Well, because Britain.

Having said that, I struggle to respond appropriately rather than just explode at the offender. I imagine a lot of people hold back for the same reason. You're right though - some of the stuff on here around free childcare, lifts and accommodation is astonishing. How does it get to that point?

[whatadog]

The birthday posts where the OP has been completely let down by their partner and relatives but refuses to say anything about it always make me feel down. I always want them to speak up for themselves instead of being silently hurt and passive about it!

[storynanny]

I'm torn on this. Not going into great details but I bend over backwards to be polite etc to my DIL from another country as I would be totally unwilling to fall out with my son. She however has no problem at all with blunt ( in my opinion off hand, rude, dismissive) talk!

[storynanny]

And agree with whoever said its because we are British! Whenever I visit my overseas family I am astonished at the everyday "say it how it is"
Eg on the subway, very use, I'm standing up. Seated lady says sharply to me "watch your butt, it's in my face" . I can't imagine being so rude.

[AmeliaJack]

Maud a professional mentor told me a few years ago that women apologise too much at work. He said that men very rarely apologise and certainly don't if they haven't done anything wrong.

I did a survey of my last few weeks emails and saw that he was right. I made a determination to immediately stop apologising unless I was absolutely in the wrong.


That was three years ago and I haven't apologised at work since. Interestingly my career has also taken a jump.

People respect strength. It's not necessary to be rude but assertiveness isn't rude.

[storynanny]

I do love the scene in Friends though where Pheobe is asked if she could help with something, can't remember what but she answers "yes I could, but I don't want to so I won't".

[AmeliaJack]

Dixie that's exactly my point.

People confuse the two all the time.

Essential your probably exploding because you are holding back your frustration until breaking point. If you get your "that doesn't work for me" in there earlier in the process you might avoid the explosion.

[BecauseIamabear]

OI.. Amelia..
Shut your cake hole!!!


Is that impolite enough?
(OK that is a bad attempt at POETS day humour and if it fails I am truly sorry)

[AmeliaJack]

Because

I was thinking of more "Amelia, I respectfully disagree"

DeputyPecks if we are going to be Vipers we might as well be assertive vipers.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Thing is, you always also need to be prepared to accept 'no' when it is said to you too, rather than being offended etc.

[tibbawyrots]

Possibly lots of people (including myself) who were brought up to "not make a fuss" to the extent of as a teen being physically dragged away from a checkout where I was waiting to complain that I had been given change for £5 not £10 in case "people were looking" (£5 was a lot of money back in 1984 and I knew I had given £10 as I had just opened my Saturday job pay packet with the £10 note in) and my mother's hand over my mouth if I dared to try to defend myself against an unfair accusation.
Her view was "they wouldn't say it if it wasn't true" and never ever listened.

It takes a lot to get over that conditioning.

[BecauseIamabear]

Ameila

So you are suggesting I should not give up the day job and try to be a comedienne?

[Pickanameanyoldname]

YANBU. Women in particular are conditioned to "be nice", don't complain, etc.

I asked a man on the train if he could keep his leg on his own seat rather than sitting thigh to thigh with me taking up half my seat. I wedged my hand down between my leg and his and gently pushed his leg off me and said "can you move your leg off me please, you're sitting on half of my seat - thanks". He looked absolutely gobsmacked but duly closed his legs. And the woman opposite me smiled and winked at me. It felt great.