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To think this is suspicious and I'm not insane?

(56 Posts)
abbinob Fri 21-Oct-16 05:38:24

Backstory: when I was pregnant with ds (3 years ago) dp and I didn't live together but one night he was completely ignoring my calls etc, which pissed me off as I was full term and it could have been important! Anyway he told me he was at home sleeping.
Didn't believe him, checked his phone and he'd call a woman from work 20 times at 1am. Turns out he was out at her leaving do and he was calling her to get her to come to a friends house with him and some others. It took a year to get that version of the truth, the first thing he told me was that he lost his friend and was calling her to see if she had seen him hmm despite not one attempt at calling lost friend.
I was suspicious of him with her anyway as the only time I met her he ignored me at his work bbq and kept going inside to speak to her at the bar, leaving pregnant me alone with people ld never met so he could talk to her about her relationship problems confused

Anyway I'm pretty sure something happened but I dropped it. I was really pregnant, quite young and just couldn't really deal with all the drama so I dropped it. So say her name was Jane smith (it isnt)

Then last night we were just having a conversation about how the thing where you speak to your phone is weird (like siri etc) and he said"yeah it's not like I would be on my phone in front of my friends and say 'check Jane Smith''s Facebook status'

Aibu to wonder why he's say that? Someone he apparently hasn't spoken to in 3 years, doesn't have her number, doesn't have her on Facebook etc so why would her name just decide to pop into his head for no reason!?

A weird part of me think he does things like that on purpose, because I'm pregnant again and he thinks he can? Or something like that.

AmeliaJack Fri 21-Oct-16 05:40:53

You let it go last time. He thinks you'll let it go again this time.

YvaineStormhold Fri 21-Oct-16 05:43:22

Wake up, love.


abbinob Fri 21-Oct-16 05:52:44

I feel really stupid now getting myself into this situation AGAIN. but now pregnant and with a 3 year old.
I haven't even spoken to him about it because what is the point? If there is anything to tell he certainly isn't going to tell me and it will make me sound insane seeing as all he did was say someone's name in a normal conversation.

AmeliaJack Fri 21-Oct-16 06:01:22

No one can tell you what to do.

It's entirely possible that nothing has ever happened with this woman.

Except that you don't really trust him.

I think if I were you I'd start quietly thinking about what you would do/where you would go if you did need to separate.

It might also be worth thinking about where your personal "lines in the sand are".

I'm so sorry, this must very hard for you. flowers

abbinob Fri 21-Oct-16 13:35:30

Tried talking to him about it and he just laughed at me, then did that stupid smirk face and said I was being mental. Nice. confused
Maybe I am being mental but something doesn't seem right to me it just seems really suspicious l, he maintains that he hasn't spoken to her in 3 years (I know that to be bollocks as he had her on snapchat last year ish and probably still does, Im not going to look at his phone to find our because what it the point)
Its not like I even care who he speaks to i just get a bad feeling about this and not sure I can be fucked with this whole argument again.

abbinob Fri 21-Oct-16 13:42:31

I know this is going to make me sound properly crazy but I honestly think he might have just said it on purpose to get at me? Is that something people do? Because he seemed to look really pleased with himself when I was talking to him about it earlier.

I get that feeling about a lot of things he does actually. Like he purposely upsets me and then acts like he has no idea and I'm insane. Even things I specifically tell him upset me, he seems to go out of his way to do and then act like I'm making it up and over reacting but wtf kind of pointless shitty game is that!? Like he gets validation out of upsetting me because he can. Or he's just completely clueless I have no idea

milkyface Fri 21-Oct-16 13:43:43

He's lying to you.

I think you know he's lying to you. I know it's awful and you can't be arsed and you're pregnant etc, but you need to do something about this.

I think honestly it's probably easier if you do something now, rather than later.

Do you want to stay with him? Can you ever trust him?

I don't think I could and it would be over for me.

He sounds awful, calling you mental , thinking he can get away with shit when you're pregnant with his child, I'm not sure what you see in him anyway!

limpbalm Fri 21-Oct-16 13:43:58

Even forgetting everything else, this man is abusive just for saying you are mental. What a fucking prick.

milkyface Fri 21-Oct-16 13:44:38

That's definitely a thing.

He'll say something, you'll get mad, then he'll be all like why are you so mad it was nothing blah blah blah

Is it gas lighting?

It's a thing, he's a dickhead.

IScreamYouScream Fri 21-Oct-16 13:46:29

Whether anything happened with this woman or not, you deserve better than him my love flowers.

limpbalm Fri 21-Oct-16 13:46:38

Can I just say. You are not mental. You are not crazy. He is purposefully trying to get you to believe you are, to throw you off the scent. It seems to be working.

Always listen to your instinct. And read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. Hopefully he will help you to open your eyes to what is going on. He opened my eyes.

Creating confusion and making out you are mad is one of the key tactics abusive people use on their partners.

AmeliaJack Fri 21-Oct-16 13:47:42

He deliberately upsets you?
He deliberately makes you cry?

That's not a sign of love.

You're pregnant- he should be cherishing you.

NickiFury Fri 21-Oct-16 13:47:51

God what a twat. He probably did say it on purpose, attention seeking and getting you all riled up. Some people like arguing and do and say provocative things to get a row going. Stimulates the frontal cortex of some such thing. My ex was like it, nothing he liked better than a big kick off. Not sure what advice to give you throw him out for a bit but sometimes it does just help to know that there are people who like a good dust up and it means very little to them even though it leaves you feeling like shit.

whateveryousay Fri 21-Oct-16 13:47:55

Please. Get out now. 💐

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers Fri 21-Oct-16 13:48:10

Google 'gaslighting.'

limpbalm Fri 21-Oct-16 13:51:52

I beg you, read this book: Lundy

Download it to your phone if you don't want a hardcopy for him to find. Don't let him know you are on to him. Read the book and plan your exit strategy. Things will not get any better. I promise.

You insinuate he is enjoying making you feel this way. Trust your instincts. If he wasn't enjoying it, you wouldn't think he was enjoying it, and he wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

He is abusing you. Please, get out.

isupposeitsverynice Fri 21-Oct-16 13:53:27

Gaslighting, yes. You deserve better than this, and so do your children.

limpbalm Fri 21-Oct-16 13:57:00


Emmageddon Fri 21-Oct-16 13:57:54

Oh you poor thing, your bloke is an arse. Get shot of him, being a single mum is okay, you'll cope. Better than being with someone who treats you with such disrespect and disdain. Tell him to fuck off out of your life, and that Jane Smith is welcome to him. She probably thinks he's a creep too. Most women wouldn't entertain being chatted up by a man with a pregnant partner and a child, unless she is completely amoral.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Oct-16 13:59:04

I will third gaslighting

He is abusive, love

BeMorePanda Fri 21-Oct-16 14:00:26

yes he is gas lighting you - to destabilise you, and make you doubt yourself, if not question your own sanity.

This is A1 abusive tactic.
So sorry OP.

What are you going to do? We can help you with any plans etc you may want to start making.

ItShouldHaveBeenJessCastismas Fri 21-Oct-16 14:00:28

Yes to gaslighting. What a twat. Making you feel even more vunerable than you already are. He knows it upset you the first time around, why on earth would he mention it again? Absolute tosser.

OrcinusOrca Fri 21-Oct-16 14:06:57

For whatever reason, despite having 'let it go' you can't seem to trust him and are therefore posting this. Do you trust him otherwise, or have you always been a bit worried since?

No one can tell you what to do, you know him and we don't. It does seem weird to randomly say her name and if he was doing it just to be a dick I'd be really pissed off, I guess some people find that stuff funny, but I don't! Question is whether you think he did it deliberately re the gas lighting thing or if it was just random. Some people spit out the first thing that comes into their head eg. if someone else mentioned her name to him maybe it just popped out. But then I would have expected him to cotton on and be like oh shit sorry.

ItShouldHaveBeenJessCastismas Fri 21-Oct-16 14:07:28

said I was being mental

There's a great article on which talks about the number of completely normal, intelligent women being referred to as 'mental' or 'crazy' by partners and also describes gaslighting in some length. I'll try and find a link.

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