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...to ask what's the nastiest thing someone's ever said or done to you?

(204 Posts)
OohFloorPie Thu 20-Oct-16 22:37:27

Feeling a little low tonight, anxiety playing up and ruminating on things that happened long ago. So I thought I'd ask if others are willing to share the nastiest things people have ever said or done to them.

I'll go first. When I was at college I drunkenly admitted that I was attracted to women as well as men and that I thought one of the girls in my group of friends was attractive.

In the cold light of day I expected things to be awkward and apologised, but didn't expect that this group of rather alternative women would turn around and not only shun me, but call me sick, twisted, perverted and start an online harassment campaign against me.

Years later I still feel like I am a terrible person who deserved what happened and still feel awful. Particularly as I've never acted on any attraction I've felt towards women as although I find them attractive, I'm not interested in a same sex relationship and definitely prefer men overall.

What's your worst experience?

WingsofNylon Thu 20-Oct-16 22:40:06

I'm sorry. Having a group turn on you is painful. But perhaps if you are feeling like that hearing positive things might be more useful?

SkyLucy Thu 20-Oct-16 22:46:13

Totally agree with wings. I hope you're not suffering too much and the rumination will stop soon, but in my experience hearing positive stories helps more than hearing painful ones. I often struggle with obsessive thoughts about past negative experiences, even if they were years ago - all I can say is it comes in waves, and the waves pass. I find distraction and/or immersion in a different activity/scenario helpful.

Sorry, I know this 'advice' is unsolicited - I hope the memory subsides soon flowers

SquawkFish Thu 20-Oct-16 22:49:28

Rape.

I honestly don't think I will ever "get over it", although the advice from some is that that is what I should do.

OohFloorPie Thu 20-Oct-16 23:02:36

Oh Squawk, I get that, I really do. It happened to me too. Funnily enough I see that as much more clear cut that it wasn't my fault in any way and that really helped me heal. As soon as I said out loud that I had said no I was able to move on. I hope that you'll find something that helps you move on too, but it's not something you can just do because you're told to. flowers

Wings and Lucy, I get what you mean, but I have loads of positives now. I try and remind myself of these things but they don't override that I feel like I did an awful thing to someone and upset them and therefore deserved their vitriol. I haven't even seen or had contact with these people in 20 years, they're not even friends any more. I know it's irrational, but it's honestly the one event I keep going back to and wishing I had kept my mouth shut. Knowing that other people get hurt too helps distract me because I'm better at supporting others and telling them it's not their fault than I am at accepting that I didn't really do anything harmful.

Eevee77 Thu 20-Oct-16 23:07:21

I was attacked as a teenager, dropped out of school, missed all my GCSE's. I know I should get over it but 10 years on I'm left with no GCSE's, no job & social anxiety. My 'attackers' are all grown up now and enjoying their careers/uni/friendships.

TotallyOblivious Thu 20-Oct-16 23:15:54

A random girl who started a hate campaign against me (with no clear cut reason other than she saw my profile pic and was so 'disgusted' she couldn't help herself).

This was during college and she proceeded to post my DP's and pics with friends on her wall (despite not being friends with her she got mine through over sources - this was the days of Bebo, btw!) and "fat shame" me along with other silly taunts.

I had never met her. Never spoken to her. At college if she saw me she'd just snigger and keep walking with her friends (and weirdly, she was of the same build as me??). I know now I wasn't fat by all means (I'd do anything to be that weight again!!) but she made me feel like I was ten stone heavier than I was and my confidence hit rock bottom.

At the time I was distraught and hurt, but looking back I realise she was just a spiteful, evil little trollop.

(Though sometimes I'll randomly recollect as you do OP and question what I ever did to deserve her abuse, blaming myself for not standing up to her and 'letting it happen') blush

Haudyerwheesht Thu 20-Oct-16 23:19:00

That sounds awful OP. Did I read that it happened 20 years plus ago? I genuinely didn't know cyber bullying existed then (and that's what this sounds like??). Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, just forget and move on. It really, really doesn't matter what they thought or even think.

OohFloorPie Thu 20-Oct-16 23:32:20

Yes Haudyer, well 18 years ago actually, back in the days of usenet groups etc. I know it doesn't matter now and I keep telling myself that. I never even really missed their company really, they were very bitchy. I just beat myself up for not always being a 'good' person even though I know overall I've probably been nicer than most people my whole life. Trying to work towards not giving any fucks, lol!

Oblivious... what the actual? That girl was seriously messed up. Actually you're right though, similarly there was no need for those girls to be so hateful to me, awkward and not really friends anymore would be perfectly understandable, but they were actually really homophobic about it all.

Haudyerwheesht Thu 20-Oct-16 23:38:35

Nobody in the whole world is universally good (or possibly evil) and so to expect that of yourself is setting yourself up to fail.

user1475253854 Thu 20-Oct-16 23:41:41

This is really small and minor, but it has stuck with me.

Back when I was at college I was sat with a group of people, maybe 5 of us. 3 decided to go to the shop but the other girl told them not to go as she didn't want to be left alone. The others rightly pointed out she wouldn't be alone, she'd be with me. She looked so hmm at this, it was obvious she barely thought of me as a person, let alone a reasonable person to hang out with. I don't even think she meant it maliciously, she just automatically thought of me as a non-person because I wasn't cool/pretty/whatever. Fortunately I am very thick-skinned and knew she was a very shallow person otherwise that could have really upset me. I mean obviously it bothered me a bit as I still remember it!

Hope you feel better soon OP.

nicenewdusters Thu 20-Oct-16 23:55:20

I would suggest that 18 years ago people were a lot less open about personal issues. We've moved on a lot, think of the transgender issue for example. I should imagine some of those women are now quite ashamed of their homophobia. It was possibly only one in the group with such strong views, the rest all just followed out of fear and the need to fit in. Disgraceful.

You certainly have nothing to be ashamed of. Even if you'd expressed a preference for a very niche past time, or whatever, nobody has the right to wage a campaign of hate against you. You didn't hurt anybody, break the law, cause serious injury or hardship to anyone. You made a comment, to people whom you thought were your friends. They should be posting about their guilty feelings, not you.

QueenLizIII Thu 20-Oct-16 23:57:16

I am feeling low this week not after the worst thing that has ever happened to me but some very very insensitive behaviour from a "friend". We were friends at work years ago and lost touch and I came across her a few years ago by chance....and now I remember why I distanced myself from her in the first place all those years ago.

She is selfish, miserly, invites you places and then quibbles the bill expecting to be covered by me when she has far more money than me.

But her behaviour this week is beyond the pale. I am going through a rough patch and she knows it. It is a long rough patch that is really getting me down, but I am managing in my own little way.

We talked about doing something together and I got the tickets in advance. Regarding my situation, she does not leave it out. It was supposed to be a nice night out and she all the way there and after all the way home went on about my problems and she does this whenever I see her. She is almost making a spectacle of me, I feel.

She asks really intrusive questions and wont leave it alone. I am sick and tired of telling her, just leave it. She keeps on at me asking me what I am doing about it and when I avoid answering questions about it, she says no wonder you are in a mess, you must be depressed, why dont you go and get anti depressants. Every time I see her she asks me would I be better off on ADs and why not and then why dont I try St Johns Wort. I cannot take St Johns Wort as I am on medication for other things. Then she asks me what things and asked me very intrusive questions about my health.

And then she says depression is a bugger, no wonder you are doing nothing about your lot in life. She is full of handy hints about what I should do (relating to work issues) but she is not in my industry and doesnt get it. The things she is suggesting will not work. But she goes on and on and on and when I say that wont work....she says well with that attitude it wont, of course you are are depressed no wonder you wont bother.

She did this the whole time on the night out. Then on the way back on the train. She kept coming up with doomsday scenarios, you know if you dont do this soon, this will happen to your life, I've seen it, it happened to my friend. And then things like I bet when you get this sorted, you wont do this will you, I bet you dont even try....in relation to another problem. I was getting really wound up by now and I said just drop it. She said well what are you gonna do then. I finally raised my voice and said there is nothing I can do about any of this TONIGHT.... now stop it. And she did.

I was feeling worse than before i went out. Then she started going on about other things for us to do and she made the point of saying i dont know how much these things will cost because my others friends always arrange it and pay for me.

When the time came to say goodbye, she said thanks for arranging this, so kind and sorting the tickets, thanks you so much and she walked off without offering any money for the ticket.

I am so upset...having my problems thrown in my face all night and intrusive questions asked and then she didnt even pay her share. She earns considerably more than me.

I have blocked her number and I will not contact her again. I wont even dignify her with any contact ever again.

Liiinoo Fri 21-Oct-16 00:02:34

I remember my mum being ready to go to work when I was about 5. I woke up early and ran downstairs to kiss her goodbye. She pulled away from me and wiped my kiss off because it might smudge her (1960s, heavy, makeup). I was hurt but put it behind me. She was my mum. In hindsight was the first open hint I had that I was an unwanted baby.

QueenLizIII Fri 21-Oct-16 00:05:27

Came across her a few months ago not years ago.

PaniWahine Fri 21-Oct-16 00:05:55

im NC with my mother for a long list of reasons, but one comment that has stuck with me when having pre-teen squabbles with sisters - "You should be nicer to them. When you're older, you'll still be ugly and you'll need their leftovers". I'm definitely still the ugly sister but also the only one in a happy relationship...

QueenLizIII Fri 21-Oct-16 00:07:17

Other than that example, i guess it is in relationships.

Cheated on and lied to and then blamed for the break up. Convincingly made the break up look my fault, when he was cheating all along.

dangerrabbit Fri 21-Oct-16 00:08:47

As a gay person myself I sense from your posts a certain ambivalence towards your same sex attraction OP. For example you mentioned several times that you weren't intending to act on any same sex attraction, the subtext for me is that you felt to do so may be a Bad Thing. Are you sure it is these random people from the past who are upsetting you and not your own internalised negative feelings about having attraction towards women? As you say yourself, if you are not going to act on these feelings it is not like anyone needs to know your business, but then again, if they did know, would it be so bad?

With regards to these specific women, you are never going to see them again, and I'm sure they find this detail about you completely uninteresting as people tend to be caught up in their own lives. However, I remember what things were like in the 90s and I have subsequently reminded some of my old friends of things they said at the time that hurt me and they have expressed regret. Hopefully if your ex friends have any powers of self reflection and do remember the incident they may feel ashamed of themselves.

Roseformeplease Fri 21-Oct-16 00:10:19

This seems so minor compared to everyone else.

I have worked in the same school for a long, long time. My " thing" is putting on plays which I do every year, taking up lots and lots of time I give freely (not part of my job). New member of staff arrives and is keen to get involved. She is young (22) and I get her involved immediately, giving her 50% of a production and encouraging her to do one on her own the following year. She does, and I support her massively, taking a very minor role and leaving her to it.

As the play came to an end, she began discussing with the pupils "her" next show. I spoke to her, suggesting we collaborate again, or take turns, or do 2 plays.

She goes to management and demands a "committee" to oversee drama. They agree. The committee is voluntary and packed with her friends. By this time I have made arrangements to take a small group of kids to a theatre festival, for the first time. Her friends tell me I have to seek their permission (all very young, all in first teaching job). I say too late, deposit paid.

I refused to attend any more meetings and was bullied out of the staff room. When a group of adults (parents) I work with needed to get to the hall via her (empty) classroom, she reported me for damage and littering. Fortunately, she didn't know one of the adults was the Head!

At 45 years old, after 23 years in the classroom and great success with theatre, I was bullied out of doing the thing I love.

But that isn't the worst thing. The worst thing is that the management stood by while it happened.

She left a year later and I just went back to doing what I did before, collaborating with her lovely replacement.

kittykittykitty5 Fri 21-Oct-16 00:13:31

I went on holiday with an old school friend to Corfu in the early 90s, she had booked it on her lunch hour and it was one of those "don't know where you are going holidays". Unfortunately for us this meant a one room with one bathroom shared with six other apartments. It was completely gross.

It was on the side of a dual carriageway, miles from the nearest town and the only facility was the use of the pool in the hotel opposite which had the only bar for two miles. It also had the only hot water showers that were 24/7 and clean.

When we went out on the second night and she then met a guy who was staying in the next resort, she went off with him and his friends back to his apartment. So, I was left alone in a nightclub and had to walk three miles back to our apartment on an unlit road on my own back to the awful room.

The following day I went to the pool, but left a note saying where I was and to come and find me. She didn't, in fact she returned to the apartment, packed her stuff and moved out leaving me there on my own for the next ten days.

She then turned up acting as if she had done nothing wrong on the second to last day of the holiday and got stroppy when I got upset with her.

We sat apart on the coach to the airport, we booked into the flight seperately and on arrival in the UK she told her DF I was making my own way home. That stranded me sixty miles from home.

We never spoke again....

Evilstepmum01 Fri 21-Oct-16 00:18:55

The most hurtful thing ever done to me was last year when I got married and my two sisters took to facebook to publicly slag me off. I looked a knob (in the wedding pic) and wasnt worth the effort.

That shit still plays on my mind when I get down. I guess thats the reason they said it

OohFloorPie Fri 21-Oct-16 00:26:48

Rabbit you've definitely got something there. My family are pretty accepting of others being gay, but would not accept it from one of their own.

If anything I'm now pretty asexual. I've been single since my DCs were small (youngest is 11) and although I find people attractive I feel pretty repulsed by the idea of being sexual with anyone, of any sex, gender or orientation which I am finding hard to come to terms with, particularly as I am still young enough for people to want to talk about me meeting a man and settling down.

I've actually just been through my fb and seeing all the posts I'm tagged in and how many people want to interact with me and share their lives with me was very reassuring. I'm well liked at work and in my various social groups. I don't know why I punish myself over this one thing. Like PPs have said, my teenage faux pas has probably had no effect on these people at all so I should let it go.

ItShouldHaveBeenJessCastismas Fri 21-Oct-16 00:27:17

Cheated on by someone I trusted with my life.

Picked on at sixth form by a really popular boy for the way I dressed (early nineties, bit grungy, nothing unusual). He made my life hell on a daily basis (shouting comments, shoving me in corridors) and it had a long term impact on my self esteem. Years later, I worked with him, and he couldn't apologise enough (he brought the subject up, not me). I accepted his apology, and made out it was fine, but it had a massive effect on the way I feel about my appearance.

liquidrevolution Fri 21-Oct-16 00:27:43

I can think of several.

One - away on holiday with a friend I met a man one night and kissed. The next night she insists on meeting up with him and his friends again, I wasnt boithered. She later sticks her tongue down his throat and aftwards told me he would have preferred her all along anyhow.

Two - bridesmaid slowly getting annoyed before my wedding then after a day of snippy looks and whispering incorners with one of the other bridesmaids gets drunk(after missing the photos) and has a go at me. Then tells my sister who tries to intervene to shut her fat face up. Then for weeks afterwards makes me feel bad and aleimates the other bridemaid from me as well. The reasons. Apparently I said something about her being my servant for the day. I dont not recall ever saying this and neither does my third bridesmaid who was with me all day. In fact I spent all day worrying they were all alright. Took 3 months of counselling to come to the conclusion she was just a bitch.

there are more but I am trying to forget them really.

People can be awful. sad

Overthinker2016 Fri 21-Oct-16 00:35:39

Ex fiancé told me he'd been contemplating suicide rather than get married to me.

Think he was genuine rather than trying to hurt me but I ruminated on it for years and don't know why he felt the need to actually tell me that. Still makes me a bit sad.

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