Hi, I'm new so apologies if I get this wrong but I really need a new perspective.
We have had loads of problems with my son's girlfriend this year - she's at uni not too far away and he lives at home. She tells us she suffers from mental health issues. These manifest themselves in needing to spend every night with my son. Since this started he's dropped out of uni and now works at a crap job, spending his time driving the 25 miles between home/work and her uni.
We have tried to support them both. I drove him to her the middle of the night when he couldn't get to her and he says she was threatening to kill herself. I helped get her seen by the uni counsellors (I went to the same uni). We've talked to them both, I talked to a counsellor for advice, she's stayed innumerable times, the longest time for 22 days straight. She is quite hard work and I'm beginning to feel taken for a ride.
We've had problems with them both: we cleared three bin bags of uneaten/rotten food from his room once that they had just let pile up, she has often decided she will stay in our house on her own, and if she is really upset (usually about her absent father) she will stay in his room all day crying. Now if she doesn't get to spend the night with him she will cry via phone or FaceTime.
We rarely see our son on his own, he doesn't seem to go out with mates alone and previously when he went out with his dad she text them both and his sisters, who were at home, multiple times. I've talked to him and he tells me he's frustrated by it. But then he acts totally differently with her. When we've had rows or I've had to bring up some selfish behaviour (she never used to help out) I always feel as if I'm kicking puppies. Currently when they stay, and we've limited it to two nights a week max, they get up and are out the door within ten mins. My son does this to an extent when he's here on his own. I feel like I'm running a doss house but I am so weary of pulling him or them up in their behaviour.
I have tried to be patient, have her round to help my son to cut down on his travelling and to see him. However I feel she is very manipulative and he is a bit too. They have previously both lied to us and she keeps changing her story about what's wrong. First she wouldn't say, then it was because she was scared to be in her uni halls, then when she moved out at the end of the year it was because a friend had committed suicide nine months previously. Apparently my son wasn't aware of this. She says the doctor won't give her tablets as she's not bad enough and the counsellor says she should take things "one step at a time". Hence only being separated from my son for two nights. They are apparently slowly increasing it. It may seem as if her diagnoses, whatever it is, perhaps anxiety, is none of my business but the impact her and their relationship is having on our family is huge.
Allegedly she can't talk to her mum because she has her own mental health problems.. When we've said we will tell her mother what's going on she gets very upset. This girls problems don't seem to impact her life when she is with her own family - they go for numerous days out and meals to which my son is not invited. The pair never seem to hang out there and I feel really resentful that her mother seems oblivious to all this, while treating my son badly, enjoying the good bits with her daughter while we deal with all this stress and problems. I feel because we are inexperienced regarding mental health problems we are out of our depth.
Tomorrow is a special occasion and all of my immediate family will be there. However I've had a row with my son as he wants his gf to stay tonight and he will drop her off at uni tomorrow (same city as we are going to). I never usually say no but didn't say yes so now he's staying at hers, because they arranged to stay together and she can't seem to deal with changes in these arrangements. I am worried we won't easily be able to meet up with my son as it will be crowded or she will have a major meltdown and he won't be able to come. Plus, I just wanted a day with my husband and all our kids. That rarely happens nowadays.
AIBU to feel so upset by this? All I wanted was time with all my children, no hassle. It would be so much easier if we all went together. I feel we've done lots to help them and that her mother gets to spend time with her daughter without my son. I feel inordinately disappointed and so hurt. He says it would help him out to have her stay. I feel my needs don't count and his gf's always come first before anyone in the family. But maybe I should suck it up?
Sorry for the length, I didn't want to drop feed, and thanks if you've read this far!
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
AIBU?
To feel really sad about this?
17 replies
ChunkyFicken · 20/10/2016 20:58
OP posts:
NavyandWhite ·
20/10/2016 21:41
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.