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To not want to be on tap childcare

(128 Posts)
Whichywoo Thu 20-Oct-16 17:57:51

I'm just wondering how best to handle the situation. I have three children all school/pre school aged. I'm currently a sahm so obviously I am here every school holiday, and my dh works.

One of my cousins, who I'd say I'm fairly close to also has three children, one toddler and two school aged children. I love her to bits but quite frankly I'm sick of her asking me to have her kids every school holiday. The baby stays in nursery throughout the week whilst she's at work but she claims her older two children will not go to holiday club, sports clubs etc and point blank refuse. I don't mind having them every now and again and she doesn't ask me to have them every day at half term, but still, I want one school holiday were I just spend it with my own kids.

I previously worked full time and my kids had no choice to go to holiday club becusse I refused to just dump them on family. One because it wouldn't be fair to expect them just drop their whole week to help and two because my kids would most likely be bored just sat at their grandparents, aunts, uncles house. I saved up in between each half term and paid for them to be looked after yet my cousin automatically thinks she can use me as unpaid childcare.

I've told her before that I can't always help out and she said well it won't be all week and after all you're at home with your kids. I don't believe for a second her kids refuse to go to holiday club, she just wants to save money, and even if they did refuse, tough, she's the parent not them.

I love to take my kids out during the school holidays and to be honest it's pain in the arse if I have her two kids as it costs me more (she never gives me any money for them) and as they're older all the stuff I suggest doing they think is babyish. I've told my cousin this and that I don't think they really enjoy coming as my kids are younger and she just shrugs it off saying oh they have fun. I dread each holiday as every tome I make plans she always phones asking when I'm free to have them. She plays the struggling single parent card to often but at the end of the day she works full time on a wage similar to my dh so she can't be doing too badly and can certainly afford appropriate childcare. Aibu to feel this way?

Trifleorbust Thu 20-Oct-16 18:02:54

YANBU at all. In any way. I think you need to tell her you can't do it anymore. Don't explain why, just say the arrangement no longer works. Unfortunately some people only respond to very direct approaches, so I think you will need to be prepared to alienate her.

humblesims Thu 20-Oct-16 18:03:14

her older two children will not go to holiday club, sports clubs etc and point blank refuse
she's taking the piss isnt she? Say No. Its not convenient. Or, if it is convenient then charge her the going rate.

mycatstares Thu 20-Oct-16 18:04:11

Just say you won't be having them anymore.

Whichywoo Thu 20-Oct-16 18:04:38

She lets her kids call the shots to be honest. She doesn't just out on me she pesters her brother, my mum and her friends. But they've all got young kids, except my mum lol, so it's not fair.

AchingBack Thu 20-Oct-16 18:04:56

Yanbu at all but you really need to learn to say no. I'm also a sahp and have never been put in this position because my default is to be busy unless I want to help.

Whichywoo Thu 20-Oct-16 18:06:31

Honestly if I said no directly she's still find away around the no. She'd ask me directly what I was doing and why couldn't I have them. She's a bit funny like that.

AmeliaJack Thu 20-Oct-16 18:07:36

You need to put your big girl pants on and say no every time.

AyeAmarok Thu 20-Oct-16 18:07:47

Just tell her no, no more. You have plans for this holiday and she'll need to make other arrangements.


saltededamummy Thu 20-Oct-16 18:08:01

Yanbu, she's taking advantage because you are family.
Presume your children get some pleasure from being with their cousins?
Decide what is acceptable to you & your kids, perhaps Monday & Friday only or afternoons for X days, and tell her she has to sort the rest of her childrens' holidays out herself.

LadyMonicaBaddingham Thu 20-Oct-16 18:10:03

Just keep repeating "No, it doesn't work for us"? Maybe give some of her other targets relatives a heads up that you'll be saying no from now on. She needs to realise that this is the way it is and will be from now on...

MrsJayy Thu 20-Oct-16 18:10:31

Yanbu you just need to keep saying no to her people just take the piss sometimes even family .

mimishimmi Thu 20-Oct-16 18:11:26

Just say no?

WindPowerRanger Thu 20-Oct-16 18:11:38

Has she asked for this half-term yet? If not, don't wait for her to do it. Text her today and say you aren't going to do holiday childcare for her any more. Don't justify, apologise, defend or explain your decision, just say you've done your bit and it doesn't work for you any more.

MiketheKite Thu 20-Oct-16 18:12:12

Can you say you have plans every day of the holidays, playmates at other peoples house, softplay, farm etc. you can't turn up to playdates with other children and if you're going to the zoo say you'll take her kids but she'll need to pay whatever it would cost for entrance, travel and food

MrsJayy Thu 20-Oct-16 18:12:34

Say no I'm not a childminder I will be busy I'm not having them she will probably strop but that's her issue

Timeforabiscuit Thu 20-Oct-16 18:12:45

If she isnt being mannered, be prepared to Lose. Your. Shit.

Full on melt down on how tough it is at the moment, and unload every small thing thats bothering you, take your time doing it and repeat each time she asks.

She isnt worried dumping on you, dish it right back at her smile

LadyMonicaBaddingham Thu 20-Oct-16 18:13:58

She'd ask me directly what I was doing and why couldn't I have them. She's a bit funny like that.

Then you once again need the broken record technique... Just repeating "That's not relevant, I'm not available for childcare anymore..." And if she gets funny frankly that's her problem, not yours... Good luck!

honeylulu Thu 20-Oct-16 18:14:14

Just say no. If she quizzes you as to why say "I don't want to".
To become a SAHP you sacrificed a salary and maybe a career. Your choice fair enough. But why should someone else benefit from your sacrifice? Cheeky cow!

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Thu 20-Oct-16 18:14:19

Can you claim you bought National Trust membership?

It costs about £90 but you get into castles etc for free for a year.

Now, £90 is a lot, so in order to get the benefit of it you must leave home early every day of holiday to get to an attraction. So by the time your cousin phones, you are already out (or at least claiming you are!).

I have to confess I've actually done this as I'm also a sahm who gets tapped up for free childcare, and when dh was made redundant and certain people felt that meant I could still provide free childcare anyway, this was the one thing that seemed to work.
Apparently, 'No, I can't look after your kids for free.' is incomprehensible to some people.

BabooshkaKate Thu 20-Oct-16 18:14:46

Tell her you've made plans with days out to bond with your children. Screen her calls or call her back at inconvenient times.

Or if she keeps pushing you could ask her directly why she thinks it's your responsibility to look after her kids. Might cause a row though.

You could be terrible and give them a can of coke with their snack right before they go home. Every. Single. Time.

MiketheKite Thu 20-Oct-16 18:15:46

Alternatively, can you turn up on a Sunday, knock on her door, push your kids in and walk off and go out for the day? grin

Love51 Thu 20-Oct-16 18:15:55

Your incessant questioning when I say No inclines me to make that a permanent no.

I think you are to taking the piss.

When I want your kids round, I will invite them.



MrsJayy Thu 20-Oct-16 18:16:35

I had a friend do this to me when our kids were in primary I helped out 1 training day and she just got ideas that the next holiday I would have them she even phoned the night before to check details I was oblivious

Love51 Thu 20-Oct-16 18:17:53

Your incessant questioning when I say No inclines me to make that a permanent no.

I think you are to taking the piss.

When I want your kids round, I will invite them.


Again? No thanks.

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