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How to deal with selfish FIL and drunk stepmother

(41 Posts)
user1466488499 Thu 20-Oct-16 11:19:17

We had our first child less than 3 months ago. DH's father and stepmother live 300 miles away so don't see them too often. When they come, they stay for about 7 days. Both are controlling, selfish, want everything on their terms and treat my house like they own the place. DHs stepmother has never had her own children and has a drink problem. So much so, that I would never leave DS alone with her.
I was suffering badly with postnatal depression soon after DS was born and they contributed to my stress and anxiety by being rude and sarcastic the entire time. They are visiting next week and I have zero enthusiasm about running around after them with a 3 month old baby and dealing with the drunk stepmother crawling on all fours to get up the stairs as she's too drunk to walk. FIL has demanded to spend more time with DS when he comes down.
What do I do? I can't stand these selfish people to be around. In contrast MIL is wonderful and super helpful with the baby. I wouldn't trust FIL or stepmother with DS. FIL is mid 70s and wasn't involved when DH was young so he is clueless when it comes to looking after young babies. I know I will have to bite my tongue but I loathe having them here throwing their weight around and causing problems. Any tactics to get them to leave earlier...? Also, what "rights" do grandparents have - I've always thought it's important DS knows all his grandparents but this lot have caused so much stress in the past 3 months I don't care about their right to see DS....

Captainladder Thu 20-Oct-16 11:24:22

Does your dh know how you feel about them? Any chance you could get them to stay in a hotel?

Ncbecauseitshard Thu 20-Oct-16 11:25:28

You don't have to have these people in your home or near your son. Tell them not to come.

OliviaStabler Thu 20-Oct-16 11:29:06

Why did you agree to let them stay?

Cisoff Thu 20-Oct-16 11:30:46

I think your husband needs to deal with his family and tell them they can't come. You could then stay right out of it all. Is that a possibility?

dinosaursarebisexual Thu 20-Oct-16 11:31:50

Crawling up the stairs drunk? Christ woman put your foot down, no way should they be staying.

Ginmakesitallok Thu 20-Oct-16 11:31:57

Just tell them that it doesn't suit you and that they can't stay. What does your dh say?

user1466488499 Thu 20-Oct-16 11:32:01

DH has very little family - he has his mum who is lovely, his dad and the stepmother. Family of 3 which is why he bends over backwards and puts up with them

Bananalanacake Thu 20-Oct-16 11:33:09

Can you make sure there is no alcohol in the house, or would your SM just go out and buy some? sorry if you have already thought of this.

Morporkia Thu 20-Oct-16 11:33:55

tell DH to tell them no, not yet..if they want to visit and stay, tell them to find a travelodge (other cheap hotels available!) it sounds like FIL wants time with his son, not grandson. leaving you to babysit - a drunken old crone- his stepmother, as well as looking after DS. it's your home too, and you should have a say in who is and isn't welcome. their past behaviour is reason enough not to want them. and 7 days is taking the piss anyway.
surely DH wants to put you and your baby's well-being before upsetting his -awful- FIL & SM?
families can be shit, have some cake cake xx

Waltermittythesequel Thu 20-Oct-16 11:34:59

Tell dh they can stay in a hotel and you can all do afternoons out (for example).

Does he not see how bad they are?

diddl Thu 20-Oct-16 11:49:13

"why he bends over backwards and puts up with them"

But not so much that he actually keeps them out of you way/looks after them when they visit?

A1Sharon Thu 20-Oct-16 11:50:29

Does your DH go out to work and leave you to look after his family?

user1466488499 Thu 20-Oct-16 11:53:20

DH has just quit his job and has three months at home before he starts new job so he will be around to babysit FIL and stepmother. DH is scared of his dad and doesn't stand up to him, I do, that makes me the evil daughter in law

Peach9876 Thu 20-Oct-16 12:01:18

Safety of your baby should come first, but I don't need to tell you that.
No way would I have a drunk woman in my house, crawling up my stairs for 7 days. It's bad enough now when baby is tiny, assuming that there is no way you would let this woman hold him but what about in 2 or 3 years time when DS is much more aware? Best to put your foot down now, you don't want your child to be exposed to that sort of behaviour.

If it was me then I would pay for a travelodge or similar (or at least contribute) and maybe invite then around a few times for lunch, meet them or have them over for breakfast and maybe have a couple of days out with them. Start work on the room they normally stay in so that it's not available!

Sharigirl1 Thu 20-Oct-16 12:02:09

I feel for you, if dh is scared of him imagine how your dc will feel as they grow and have that as an exmple, you have to put your foot down now no matter how evil they think you are.

Dontpanicpyke Thu 20-Oct-16 12:10:17

Your dh may needs to to be the one to step up and protect him from these vile people who probably ruined his childhood.
Ring then and tell them they can't stay as they drink and they need to book s hotel.

Just do it and don't tell dh before hand. Take the control I bet her wishes he could have had as a child.

Then phone his mum and tell her what you have done and get her to back you up and bolster up hsr son.

RomanticWalksToTheFridge Thu 20-Oct-16 12:11:00

Any chance you can say your DS has been ill and is having a very unsettled time of it so if they want a relaxing break best of they stay in a hotel and you all meet up?

Sorry- I know you probably feel you have to just put up with that shit. But I feel for you.

SilenceOfTheYams Thu 20-Oct-16 12:13:39

Ugh, that sounds horrific, so sorry for you to have to put up with this.

(Not a lawyer disclaimer) In the eyes of the law, grandparents do not have any 'rights' at all. If you were to not allow them contact and they tried to take it to court, they would basically have to prove that they have a significant role in bringing up the child and that a lack of contact would be detrimental to the child.

What does your husband say when you discuss their visits? Have you told him you don't want them to stay at your house?

Dontpanicpyke Thu 20-Oct-16 12:27:21

Sorry needs you to step up

Dontpanicpyke Thu 20-Oct-16 12:29:07

Yes grandparents have no automatic rights as silence says I shouldn't think k this sorry pair would care anyway.

thinkbeforeyoupost Thu 20-Oct-16 12:48:07

There's no way on earth I'd allow someone that drunk anywhere near my children, even worse inside my house. Tell them no. Your son comes first. It's your home and your rules.

diddl Thu 20-Oct-16 13:37:13

Why is he scared of his dad?

If he said no, what would happen?

So, in theory if your husband is at home you don't have to do anything for them.

He can prepare guest room, cook whilst they are there.

If they all go out would you be expected to go/would they want to take your son if you weren't going?

How little time could you get away with seeing them if they stayed with you?

MissMargie Thu 20-Oct-16 13:41:59

If FIL had little to do with DH as a child then I think they will find a 3 month old boring, noisy, unpleasant (nappies) as they will be clueless as to what a baby is like.

In future a weekend is more than enough. A week is ridiculous.

I would just stay in the background. Keep out of the way.

girlywhirly Thu 20-Oct-16 13:56:34

Grandparents don't have automatic rights, and even if you refused them contact to their grandchild and they went to court over it, there is no way a judge would make a contact order in their favour because of stepmother's alcoholism and FIL'S enabling of it. If his bullying behaviour to his son was raised, it wouldn't go well for his having contact either, even without stepmother. He does not get to demand anything.

Basically, the safest thing would be for supervised contact outside your home, where you insist stepmother is to be sober otherwise she doesn't get to hold the baby at all. Because of the bullying by FIL as well, they don't stay with you. It might mean that you and DH have to go out to meet them every day for a couple of hours, but surely that is preferable to having them in your home. So either they do it your way or they don't see the baby.

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