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AIBU?

Oh ffs, my dd has been swearing at preschool

41 replies

StrongTeaHotShower · 19/10/2016 20:49

Not even an AIBU. I'm clearly in the wrong as is my partner for swearing
In front of her.

If there have been any untoward incidents at preschool, a Ta or her teacher will give a tiny brief. Today they looked embarrassed to tell me that she had got frustrated with something and thrown it saying quite clearly 'fucks sake, fucking hell'! They then went on to tell me this was not the first time but before they couldn't be sure of what she was saying. Their concerns were the amount of rage she demonstrated combined with the inappropriate language. Her teacher tried to soften the blow by laughing that I was the last person he expected to raise these sort of concerns with (softly spoken, MC etc). Little does he know!

I'm going through a very tough time at the moment, battling alcoholism, anxiety and relationship breakdown/ re evaluation.
My partner has always been sweary and uses fuck or fucking in many sentences. We are both guilty of swearing in front of her and I know she started picking it up. I'm so concerned now about what she may say next.

OP posts:

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Giratina · 19/10/2016 20:54

OK so now you know she has been picking it up you can make a fresh start tomorrow and stop swearing when she's around. Sounds like you're going through a tough time. She's not the first or last child to repeat something inappropriate so don't beat yourself up too much but you and your partner need to curb it in front of her.

ThirdTimeLuck · 19/10/2016 21:05

Oh OP, I've been there. It was so embarrassing and I convinced myself I'd ruined my DS forever, I posted on here about it too. Basically, the responses I had were based around the 'get a grip' theme because quite frankly I was hysterical about it. One of the posters told me that he had used a swear word and it murdered someone - they were all absolutely right. I'm not suggesting that you are overreacting at all, I definitely did but I remember that awful feeling so well.

Some of the best advice I had was to start using a funny phrase whilst dropping something or knocking something over. I did it deliberately and when DS was looking and then used the funny phrase and got him to say it too. Once he'd repeated it I made a huge fuss about him not saying it, in a completely jokey way to make him think he was being mischievous and that made him say it more. The swearing in the house had to completely stop, which was very hard because it's a habit, and the funny phrase took over.

It honestly only took 2 days before DS started using the funny phrase himself, since then we've had no more incidents of swearing. I also made sure I used it when I did something I'd usually swear at too so he heard it in different tones. Eventually it all phased out completely and 'oh no' and 'oh dear' seemed to take over.

Don't feel bad OP, it isn't the end of the world and it can be stopped. My DS was almost 2 at the time and it felt like the end of the world but it stopped happening fairly quickly. You just have to get all swearing under control, and the only way to do that is to be really frank with all those responsible.

Believeitornot · 19/10/2016 21:07

Stop swearing in front of your dc... I appreciate you're having a tough time but you need to keep it in check.

What are you doing to sort out your alcoholism etc? Sounds horrible for you

OuchLegoHurts · 19/10/2016 21:09

She's only 3, you're very lucky to have been given this wake up call. If you stop now and control yourself she won't even remember the habit

StrongTeaHotShower · 19/10/2016 21:15

Thanks for the perspective.
I'm sober and in AA. I'm making much more of an effort to curb my bad language believe me and it has been a worrying wake up call.

OP posts:

RoundandAroundSheGoes · 19/10/2016 21:15

Are you in formal treatment for your alcoholism? Are you frequently angry in front of her?

RoundandAroundSheGoes · 19/10/2016 21:15

Crosspost, sorry.

HopeClearwater · 19/10/2016 21:17

Never mind the swearing.

Stop the bloody drinking - because that's where her rage is coming from.

MillionToOneChances · 19/10/2016 21:17

I didn't manage to stop swearing in front of my kids until I heard some swearwords repeated in 2-year-old tones. No ill effects, they don't swear now. This will focus your mind on watching your tongue!

Ifounddory · 19/10/2016 21:18

It's only a fail if you don't learn from it. Keep your language in check, keep in AA and make sure you do whatever you need to do to create a stable and loving home for your DD. You got sober. You've got this.

ofudginghell · 19/10/2016 21:19

We've all been there. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Sorry your going through a rough time A lot of us have been there too and it's easy to not think when we say things.
I have 3 dc at varying ages and a slightly potty mouth at times however now my youngest is 6 they're at an age where they tell me off if I happen to have a blip
Just think of different words for each swear word you would normally use.
I tend to say baubles instead of bollox and flip instead of shit. It works for me.
I've heard children from many a normal calm family come out with some classics as they pick it up from all places like public transport or in a shop.

Karoleann · 19/10/2016 21:20

I'd ask for a parenting course, pre-schools can generally refer.....it also looks good for social services if you have any problems in the future.

GoLightlyHollie · 19/10/2016 21:22

I was on the bus the other day and a crying child got on with his mother. My little one said "Why is that fucking buy crying". She is two. I need to stop swearing too. But I actually thought it was slightly funny. Even though it isn't, of course.

WordGetsAround · 19/10/2016 21:23

Congratulations for being in recovery - that is an amazing achievement. Just got to stop the swearing now (and be mindful of the other influences in her life).

ItShouldHaveBeenJessMass · 19/10/2016 21:24

Oh, God, strong , I sympathise! My DS has ASD and can't communicate very well - he also has a speech condition called echolia which means he repeats phrases he hears without any real understanding of them. Trust me, stubbing a toe in this flat is an exercise in self-control that almost (but not quite) goes above and beyond trying to remain sober. I've done both.

Forgive yourself. I have to say to DS "No naughty words" - which of course means he goes around chanting "No naughty words" all day!

Swearing isn't great but fucking buggery me, getting sober is an achievement. Sometimes, you gotta prioritise. You can work on the language tomorrow. Right now, you're doing grand.

GoLightlyHollie · 19/10/2016 21:25

*boy

OddBoots · 19/10/2016 21:28

She isn't the first and won't be the last in a long way. Lots of children repeat what they hear at home, sometimes swearing, sometimes thing their parents would rather they didn't tell the world. :)

It sounds like her pre-school is more worried about the tone than the actual words, worry that she is reflecting what she experiences. How do you feel you and your partner are in terms of anger around her? Has joining AA and getting sober helped you with any anger you my feel? How about your partner?

StrongTeaHotShower · 19/10/2016 21:31

Round I've frequently been angry around her and sworn but not angry at her. I tend to turn anger in on myself so sadly she's seen me act in what must be a frightening way to a small child. I'm addressing this with meds and therapy etc.

Freshwater im tackling the drinking but it's the open wounds it's exposing which are difficult to deal with.

Hi Jess ooh that's tough. Dd will hone in on anything that's inappropriate and run with it! She's like a swear magnet.

OP posts:

Lucked · 19/10/2016 21:33

Sounds like you are going to get this in check - what is your partners response to needing to clean up his language?

StrongTeaHotShower · 19/10/2016 21:33

Odd boots I've been very wound up and angry around her and he has been angry at her. I'm addressing my issues and making some headway.

OP posts:

HubbleBubbles · 19/10/2016 21:35

DS once became possessed by Satan at a Church toddler group and ran round for 20 minutes shouting "Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ" 'Twas a parenting low point. Don't beat yourself up

SaucyJack · 19/10/2016 21:35

I remember your drinking thread.

You're doing well. Keep moving forwards, and it will all come together one day.

And do reign the cunting language in a bit

SaucyJack · 19/10/2016 21:36

*rein

ItShouldHaveBeenJessMass · 19/10/2016 21:37

Plus don't forget it's not unusual for people to re-evaluate their relationships when newly sober. It completely changes the dynamic and it's scary shit. Is a bit of breathing space possible?

I saw your original post about your drinking habits (it obviously resonates with me) and many of your subsequent ones. It's possibly too early to realise quite what you've achieved (fucking huuuuuuge, excuse the language) but soon, very soon, your sobriety (as well as your child) will be the most important things in your life. Hold onto it, and don't sweat the small stuff.

Psychomumsucks · 19/10/2016 21:38

This will be my kid when she starts, I try not to but I swear so much and she picks it up but uses it correctly which is more embarrassing lol we have had to teach her to say sugar in the hope it stops her but now she says sugar when she clearly would use a swear word but now I can't tell her not to say sugar as it's a standard word.

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