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To leave my husband??

(28 Posts)
Mum2Hallie Wed 19-Oct-16 19:24:44

I feel like I'm hanging at the edge of a precipice and can't decide whether to pull back or throw us all off!

DH and I have been together 7.5 years, married for 2, and have a DD (6). I'd just got out of a long term and abusive relationship when we met and he was kind and nice to me so, although I didn't really see that we were a good fit long term, after the twenty millionth time he asked me out, I figured "why not??" - after all, look where following passion and 'love' had gotten me!! It went along fine but, after the initial shine wore off, I found out a lot about him I didn't like (and vice versa I think too probably!) He was a very prolific liar (almost compulsive), I found he had an over inflated ego, pretty immature, loads of debt issues trying to be flash, etc, etc. So I was about to end it a year in (but was thinking it was complicated as we were renting together at the time - HA!) but then found out I was pregnant.... long story short, I didn't leave him.

We decided to give it a try - he was an unsupportive arse during the pregnancy and when DD was a baby, but has actually turned out to be a great dad, adores our DD, has grown up a lot and sorted out his debt issues, etc.

BUT

I don't love him.

I don't think he loves me (he does say he does though)

We are essentially two people who share a mortgage and a daughter. I'm miserable. I want out.

But how do I do this to our DD? She would be devastated. Kids from divorced home statistics scare me. I could afford to take over our mortgage (I am main breadwinner, we just bought it a few months back and deposit was all my savings) but money would be tight, childcare would be complicated (we both work full time) and life would be hard, im sure.

Do I suck it up? Is the alternative worse? Am I just taking my life for granted and will hate myself for throwing it away??

God, I don't know.

Do I jump, or do I stay

X

puglife15 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:29:27

Jump. You are totally clear that you don't love him and that's not going to change, is it?

Your are miserable and that will have an impact on your SD too you know.

Onthecouchagain Wed 19-Oct-16 19:37:08

If he's not abusive and it's best for your child the right thing is to stay and make the best of it.

Chasing a dream of someone who may not exist that will definitely traumatise your child is selfish.

12purpleapples Wed 19-Oct-16 19:40:34

What does this relationship look like to your daughter? Is is what you want her to think a relationship looks like?
What would you want her to do if she was in your situation.

Have you told your H how close you are to leaving? Is there anything that you could both work on to improve the relationship?

MoonStar07 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:40:55

As your Husband he would be entitled to half of everything could you buy him out of his share of the home? Unless you purchased as tenants in common and not joint tenants then the share would be dependant on what you decided with your converyancer. Nevertheless finances aside if you don't love him then you need to be happy and I would say think about leaving him. He would still be a wonderful fther and if you think he feels the way you're saying then it's probably best all round

MooPointCowsOpinion Wed 19-Oct-16 19:41:24

Kids are apparently traumatised by being aware their parents aren't in a happy marriage too. So either way it's shit apparently. But you can't fabricate a happy marriage with this man.

Can you tell him where you're at? I think I would want to know if my spouse didn't love me and was thinking of leaving.

It's not nice, and I can see a lot of myself in your post, the not really knowing for sure what to do is agony.

laureywilliams Wed 19-Oct-16 19:41:30

Who mentioned chasing a dream?

Miserable? Leave him. What message do you want to give your daughter?

ProjectGainsborough Wed 19-Oct-16 19:43:58

onthecouch wtf?

The only reason to end a marriage is because it's abusive??

AndieNZ Wed 19-Oct-16 19:45:44

You shouldn't feel you should stay in a loveless marriage, whether he is being abusive or not!
Life is too short for that.
Children are very resilient and dealt with the right way, she will be fine.

Surely it's better for everyone especially her, for you to be happy and for her to be brought up in a happy environment.

I understand it must be hard taking the leap, but if you are certain there's no love left and you can't imagine feeling any different, start putting plans in place.

Pettywoman Wed 19-Oct-16 19:47:06

Leave, don't waste your life being bored and miserable.

mysistersimone Wed 19-Oct-16 19:56:21

I'm building up to leaving my husband. There are many reasons why but the main one is i don't love him and I don't respect him and we have no affection. It's taken me a while to get my head round it and I've talked myself out of it many times "it's not that bad" But then a friend said to me last week, "if you don't love him, that's reason enough". Children are pretty amazing coping with change if they're supported. I grew up in a house where my parents didn't love each other and caused each other upset and I really wish they'd separated. Things won't magically get better. No one should have to put up. I'd not tell you to stay or go, but I'd say everyone deserves to be happy.

daryldixonishot Wed 19-Oct-16 19:58:35

I'd leave!
If you've only been married 2 years he won't be entitled to half of everything, especially as you're the main cared! If you hang around for another 10 years he probably will be. Plus you will be miserable for another 20 years!

daryldixonishot Wed 19-Oct-16 19:59:33

Omph my typing! Another 10 years!

memyselfandaye Wed 19-Oct-16 20:01:54

Jump, do ignore the ridiculous advice to stay if he is'nt abusive. confused

He sounds awful btw.

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Oct-16 20:05:26

He does sound awful. It's not as though you have a great history with him, is it? Think about it - at your silver wedding anniversary will you have anything good to say about your time together?

Mum2Hallie Wed 19-Oct-16 20:07:39

I guess that's pretty clear then!! He does know more or less how I feel - we spoke about it a few weeks ago and I said we both deserve better. He agreed but just wanted to leave it as "maybe it's a phase". I'm the only real relationship he's ever had, so I also feel sorry for him as I don't think he knows how good it can feel to actually love someone the way a couple should.

We talked about the house and he would give it up as we've only just bought it, I supplied all the money, we'd lose money if we sold it and he couldn't afford to stay here without my salary.

My own childhood was pretty dramatic - my parents (who are now together by the way) it to the decree bush stage FOUR times. They were on and off again my whole life and the screaming, shouting and constant drama scarred me for life I think - I left home for good at fifteen.

I don't want to end up THAT person, causing my children that upheaval and heartache over and over.

I don't think I'm chasing a dream if someone else.. I don't want anyone else! I'd quite like some time alone (but with DD of course!)

Had anyone managed to successfully divorce, maintain a good relationship with their ex and not traumatise the kids along the way? Or am I hoping for too much...

EllieM22 Wed 19-Oct-16 20:09:58

If this was your daughter 20 years down the line, what would you want her to do? Jump or stay?

henriettaonanaeroplane Wed 19-Oct-16 20:11:56

You only live once OP. Jump.

hermione2016 Wed 19-Oct-16 20:13:17

I think you know when you have to leave, people don't leave a relationship if mildly unhappy, it has to be pretty miserable to consider leaving.

Your daughter will know this when she is older and it's horrible to have to worry about mum being so unhappy.

Also it's best of you leave when she is younger. It gets much harder later on.

How old are you?

oleoleoleole Wed 19-Oct-16 20:15:13

The only advice I can give you is what I did. Told myself as long as I could look my children in the eye (when the time came ie. When they were older) and tell them I tried everything to make it work before I walked away , that was enough for me. It's what I did. I was married 11 years, unhappy for 8.

Be true to yourself because if you don't it will destroy you. Divorce is hard, almost a bereavement and not what we would choose for our children but ultimately a life rather than an existence is what we are here for X

pinkbraces Wed 19-Oct-16 20:31:29

I have a good divorce story. Left my ex when my DD was 9 months, she is now 22, We have co parented really well. Celebrated all milestone birthdays together, parents eve etc. Next one is graduation.

I have no regrets and more importantly she has had a very happy childhood without waring parents.

Life is far too short to be unhappy leave and create the family you want with your daughter flowers

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 19-Oct-16 20:46:45

Leave.

I stayed for far too long for the sake of the children and it was the biggest mistake I ever made, if I had my time all over again I would've walked when I first tried in 2004 and I would've made sure I kept walking. I did my kids no favours, I think it has hit them harder now than it would've done then.

henriettaonanaeroplane Wed 19-Oct-16 21:28:17

Had anyone managed to successfully divorce, maintain a good relationship with their ex and not traumatise the kids along the way? Or am I hoping for too much...

Yes I have. Get on well with ex (he even spent last Christmas Day here with me the kids and my new husband). We share custody half and half according to what suits us (shared google calendars - always take into account accommodating each other's social lives). Kids are happy, they go back and forth and have totally accepted it. I adore my husband and am happier then I thought was possible (despite some other shit going on in life, of course).

It takes two, though. Your partner must be on board with keeping on good terms, you have to never say anything you will regret, if at all possible, to stop bad feelings starting up. Easier said than done at times but worth it. I made a written plan with ex-h before separating formally, detailing custody, holiday arrangements, money, house and car etc, all the things that might cause arguments later. It was in a conversation of 'if we split up, what might it look like, and is it possible without destroying the DCs lives'. We both wanted to be totally sure it would work before committing to ending the marriage.

ProfessorPreciseaBug Wed 19-Oct-16 21:32:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JellyPlum Wed 19-Oct-16 21:38:20

Leave. You (and he) deserve happiness, you don't have it now. DC will be fine.

Professor relevance of your questions?

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