To be uncomfortable and mention this to teacher?

(78 Posts)
Mumofaboy123 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:18:31

I have a child in reception and one of the other children seems to have taken a liking to her which was fine although could be a little over bearing and gave her lots of hugs and kisses which she sometimes didn't like but nothing major.
He now has gravitated towards me, crying if I don't give him a hug or let him kiss me on the cheek when I drop her into class ( we are still taking them into the class to hang coat etc )
The mother is not similar to me at all and makes it quite clear she disagrees with my parenting;
From carrying her school bag for her and bringing her a snack after school to saying she is spoilt for having a bike and a scooter.
My daughter is now visibly scared of her and hides behind me when she appears, the mum has noticed and said she is rude and told her she will have the birthday present she bought her back if she's going to be so rude to her 😢
It's incredibly uncomfortable and I don't know how to handle it.
Half of me thinks the teacher can't help with it so there is not much point but on the other hand she cried coming out of school today as she saw her in the line and the teacher look confused to why she would cry leaving school but I couldn't discuss it as the other mum was behind me.
What would you all do?
I honestly don't feel in a position to address it with her as worry she would be aggressive as she's very confrontational in her general manner.

AmeliaJack Wed 19-Oct-16 19:23:00

Shut the Mother down. You don't have to listen to her comments. It's clearly distressing to your child.

"You are being rude. I am happy with my parenting choices and don't wish to discuss them with you" should do it.

Secondly why are you allowing a child to guilt you into cuddles/kisses you aren't comfortable with. It's not your child. You aren't responsible for their cuddles - send them to go and ask their own Mum for one.

But yes, a very quick chat with the teacher isn't a bad idea - the family sound oddly aggressive towards you in strange ways.

ThatStewie Wed 19-Oct-16 19:24:22

Speak to the teacher. If your child is genuinely afraid of the other mother, then the teacher needs to know.

You also need to start intervening more on behalf of your child every single time the other mother says something rude. Frankly, I'd be tempted to return the present by making a huge production in playground by loudly saying 'I'm returning this present as requested. It is incredibly cruel to threaten a child this way so here is the gift. Do not speak to my child again'. But that wouldn't really help smile

ChrissieS79 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:29:38

We had a problem with a boy in DS's class - not like this one but something that built up over a couple of months and was very much an outwith school issue. Raised it at parents evening and the teacher was great, said she'd noticed a bit of it creeping into class and that she'd take care of it during school hours. Even got a call from her 3 weeks later for a follow up chat.

That, combined with us tackling it outwith school has pretty much fixed the issue.

Agree though tell the mother to mind her own business and tell the kid to sod off...

amysmummy12345 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:31:53

Yep, I'd return the present in full view and hearing range of the rest of the playground, only I wouldn't be as pleasant about it as previous poster, more along the lines of "here's your present back, shove it up your arse grin" (once the kids have gone in obvs) wink you're under no obligation to kiss /cuddle the other kid, just brush it off with a "no thank you, your mommy can give you kisses"...

Mumofaboy123 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:33:08

I find her very aggressive in general. We don't know her outside of school or live near her etc but the little boy seems desperate for attention and wants it from whoever seems like they might not turn him away.
He has asked some of the dads at drop off for a hug and they've ignored him so he doesn't ask again but it's so sad

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst Wed 19-Oct-16 19:36:40

That actually sounds very odd, that this boy is asking for so much affection.

I'd speak to the teacher about this woman's aggressiveness, but also mention the affection seeking behaviour.

MulberryBush12 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:39:27

The other mother is behaving very oddly. You need to freeze this woman out rather than confronting her. It sounds as if she's spoiling for a fight.
I would have a brief chat with the teacher about why your DD is getting tearful at home time.
Agree with other posters, don't get involved with kissing and hugging this other child-just say no-tell him/her to ask their mum for a kiss.

conkercola Wed 19-Oct-16 19:40:47

Do you know any of the other mums yet? Try widening your social circle at the school and avoid her if possible.

Its a good idea to bring it up with the teacher, especially as its upsetting your DD. Her behaviour isn't normal and she needs to be shut down.

WyfOfBathe Wed 19-Oct-16 19:43:18

I would bring it up with teacher as it's twofold -

your dd is unhappy at school dropoff/pickup and shouldn't feel intimidated like that

& the boy is asking not only you (who he "knows" as you're his friend's mum) but also other parents for physical affection. Which isn't great as it sounds like he could be happy to walk off with any adult

CocktailQueen Wed 19-Oct-16 19:44:15

Oh, the poor wee boy. That sounds really sad - asking others for a hug sad

PlymouthMaid1 Wed 19-Oct-16 19:47:31

Sounds pretty odd. I imagine something is a bit off at home. Mention it partly to protect your lass but also to flag up a potential concern for the little boy and then school can watch out for other red flags.

originalmavis Wed 19-Oct-16 19:47:34

No wonder he's after a wee cuddle. She sounds as maternal as an iron maiden. Don't let her tell you that your child is spoiled - carrying a bag of getting her a scooter is hardly giving her a black American exress card is it?

She might have health problems, troubles at home, etc but still, no excuse for being do prickly.

2kids2dogsnosense Wed 19-Oct-16 19:56:08

I'd be tempted to return the present by making a huge production in playground by loudly saying 'I'm returning this present as requested. It is incredibly cruel to threaten a child this way so here is the gift. Do not speak to my child again'.

I would do this, too - what a spiteful threat to make to a child. A present of a present - you can't ask fr it back and if you change your mind it's just tough!, but to a child a moment like this is just cruel.

Buy your daughter a whatever-it-is, and give the original back to NastyCowbagMum. Then she doesn't have that threat to hold over your DD.

And I would stop cuddling her child - you don't know when accusations are going to start being flung if the mother has this sort of mindset.

2kids2dogsnosense Wed 19-Oct-16 19:58:02

*comment, not moment

NellWilsonsWhiteHair Wed 19-Oct-16 20:02:43

Just wanted to throw in that this is also a really good opportunity to role model some healthy boundary-setting to your child - if she sees you kindly but firmly refusing to be forced into cuddling this child, she will also learn how to refuse physical affections which she is not comfortable with.

(I do also feel hugely sympathetic towards the other child, in case that sounded too callous.)

Agree with others - buy your child the present, and return the original to the other mother, politely and firmly, in front of your child (so she understands what is happening).

And mention to teacher - for info if nothing else.

This woman's behaviour is very strange, although perhaps not intended to be as confusing/intimidating/hurtful as it is.

ColdTeaAgain Wed 19-Oct-16 20:04:54

Definitely need to have a chat with teacher about all this. Poor little boy sounds so desperate sad
I wouldn't be at all surprised if the teacher has already picked up on things or there may already be known issues going on in the background but equally you could well be the first to twig that things aren't right. I'd be surprised if there isn't more to this boys behaviour than just being a bit needy.

louisejxxx Wed 19-Oct-16 20:07:58

The woman sounds like a horror. I would try and grab the teacher for a chat - I definitely think it warrants it, especially if you mention that the little boy is approaching anyone and everyone for affection...that's something that really needs to be noted. I'm not saying anything funny is going on...but I'm sure the school will be interested to hear regardless.

biggles50 Wed 19-Oct-16 20:09:58

How weird. There are massive red flags waving at you and you're right to take steps to extricate yourself from this woman. Yes I think a word with the teacher would be a good idea to explain why your child was crying.
I wouldn't return the present unless she asks for it because antagonising her would be tumultuous. As a previous person said she could have mental health problems. If the boy asks for a hug be firm but pleasant and tell him to ask mummy.
If the mum says anything again about your daughter being spoilt agree and say "yes isn't she? "
Bright, breezy, avoid, avoid, avoid. If she says anything to your daughter, tell mum that she can speak to you direct about your daughter's manners.
Good luck, she sounds very odd and my heart goes out to her boy.

insan1tyscartching Wed 19-Oct-16 20:22:06

OP I had something similar from a parent who apparently didn't approve of my gentle approach towards dd and she called dd spoilt and mardy. I did have the last laugh though when she said that I'd change or do things differently when I had another child as I would be able to pander to dd so much when I had more than one. I fixed on a big grin and told her dd was actually my fifth and I had been exactly the same with all the others too so obviously managed to fit more into my day than she imagined I could. Funnily enough she never bothered me again wink

Justjoseph Wed 19-Oct-16 20:25:44

Shut them both down, ignore them, it's not that difficult to do, talk to other people or get your phone out. Never engage in eye contact or go near them.
Ignore all request for a cuddle or kiss, a simple no or just turn away. He will get the message very fast.

I would mention it to the teacher, she can watch out for potential issues.

Shelby2010 Wed 19-Oct-16 20:25:44

I wouldn't give the present back, if she mentions it again I would say to your DD 'Don't worry, X's mummy is being silly. The present belongs to you now & if she took it that would be stealing.' If she says your DD is spoilt, just give DD a hug and say 'No, she's worth it!' or similar.

I also agree that you should speak to the teacher, your DD shouldn't have to tolerate hugs & kisses that she doesn't want. Most children learn who/when this sort of affection is appropriate at a younger age so it's probably something the teacher needs to be aware of (if they aren't already).

mygorgeousmilo Wed 19-Oct-16 20:30:36

If you had said 'year 1' instead of reception, I would have wondered if we were in the same class/school. We have an absolutely intolerable mum like this, people have either/ignored/had full blown rows/been passive aggressive- nothing actually works because she's a bit nuts. Stand firm until she gets the picture. These people are such narcissistic freaks that unless you are very clear and direct, you will not get through to them.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Wed 19-Oct-16 20:40:11

OP, don't unwittingly antagonise, or belittle the nasty woman, by giving the present back. She hasn't directly asked for it, she is just using it to try to emotionally control or intimidate your little girl. She is a piece of work, best left to her own devices. Keep clear.
I would strongly advise you to speak to the class teacher.
As for the little boy, smile sweetly, and walk on by. Let your daughter see, that you do not have to accept unwanted affections, but also that you don't need to be unkind.

OhBigHairyBollocks Wed 19-Oct-16 20:50:16

Definitely speak to the teacher. Something isn't right.

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