to put some distance between best friend and I?

(46 Posts)
CurrySauce Wed 19-Oct-16 16:55:59

Have NC just because if friend happened to come across it I wouldn't want her to find my posting history on here.

Friend and I have been close for a long time- sometimes location/ life/ work have got in the way over the years but we have always stayed in touch and at least remained close over text if we can't meet in person.

Earlier in the year, I became involved with a guy and we are now in a relationship, this happened around the same time as the breakdown of her relationship with her boyfriend of four years. She has taken the breakup surprisingly well, although obviously has had times where she is angry/ confused/ upset as the reasoning for the breakup didn't make sense and he has been an arse about it.

I (and my boyfriend) who she gets on well with, have made a conscious effort to be there for her over the past couple of months- making sure she knew she was welcome to join us when we went out (they live in the same hometown, i travel there to see him) so that she didn't have to be at home alone if she didn't want to. I have given her lifts to a few places as she doesn't drive and her bf used to drive her everywhere, and had phonecalls from her when she has been drunk and a bit crazy (turning up outside his house at stupid oclock etc) which I have been getting a bit fed up with but I take the time to listen and be kind as I know breaking up from a long-term relationship throws your whole life into disorder until you are able to stop hurting and get used to new routines etc.

I don't mind doing any of this- she is one of my oldest and best friends and whilst I am really happy atm I am careful not to shout too loud about it and be insensitive. She doesn't seem to afford me the same courtesy though.

She is horrible about my relationship- she mocks and badmouths my partner and twists things I have said about him to make him out to be awful- he is not. When asking me about him, she refers to him as "prick" ie. "Is prick in the pub tonight?" "What are you and prick up to? I fancy going out if you are out" etc. I try not to make a big deal of this and will reply with "I assume you are referring to DBf" and leave it there then answer her question, but it fucking grates on me.

She openly mocks/ disapproves of how we choose to spend our time together- slags of the places we socialise in, calls him to the lowest because in 10 months of going out he has never taken me out for a posh meal or away for the weekend or similar. I don't want this, we spend our time together doing things we both find enjoyable- concerts, watching sport, going for walks, the beach. I have never been impressed by people who "splash the cash" for dates and I don't feel like I'm missing out but she seems to think it shows he's not a man because he doesn't "treat me". I couldn't give a fuck, I'd rather go dutch on a bag of chips and a few drinks than sit awkwardly over a table not knowing what to say/do because neither of us would feel at ease in that environment. She thinks our relationship is a big joke and has said as much.

She seems to want to involve herself in my relationship. I'm not sure if it's because she has nothing better to focus on at the minute but she will do childish things like speak to him "on my behalf" despite me not asking her to (why would I?). Then say "you're welcome" if she finds out some piece of information she thinks I'd be interested in, as if she's done me a favour. We are almost 30- I don't need my friend to play middle man in my relationship, especially since most of what she says seems to be what she thinks and nothing really to do with me. I was annoyed at him for even entertaining it at the time but I think he was pretty shocked and sh is very forward/ pushy. This has caused friction between boyfriend and I as she will hold onto information for weeks, then throw a twisted version of it into conversation later on and I can see no other reason why she would do this other than to cause trouble.

I have another very old male friend. I have known him longer than her and he has drifted in and out of my life for about 15 years. On two or three occasions we have let our relationship become more than a friendship, but it never works out and causes tension which results in us not speaking for months on end. When I mentioned he had recently been back in touch with me she basically instructed me that I must ignore him because he would "fuck everything up" and basically implied that I was so weak that if I didn't stop talking to him immediately i would end up back in his arms and throwing away my current relationship for him. When I told her nothing could be further from the truth, that I love my boyfriend and any old fleeting feelings I had for my friend were no longer there, she just smirked and said "we'll see". I am pissed off that she thinks I am so weak and fickle that I would jeopardise what I have at the drop of a hat.

DBf and I have discussed moving in together- she has basically shit all over this idea, apparently he is a waste of space who is no good for me or my son and she "has concerns" and "doesn't like the idea at all". My boyfriend is a sensible guy, he has a decent, steady job, is very good with my son and has never been anything but kind to both of us and happy to take things at my pace. There is no truth to what she is saying and to be honest I think she is bitter that her relationship of four years never really moved forward in the same way. Again, what pisses me off is her "concern" for my son and the implication that I am running into this blindly without even thinking of him, as if I need her to tell me what I should be doing as a parent.

To be honest, when she was happy and involved with her boyfriend, she very rarely made time for me, she has never once visited me at or near my home even though I was alone with no partner for years and a young son, I still had to travel to her. Less effort was made by her in general to arrange meetups etc and now I feel like I see her more often because she has no-one else to spend her time with.

AIBU to want to put some distance between us? Especially now that I'll be moving much nearer to her- I don't want a third person in my relationship and I don't want her thinking it's ok to be so awful to my partner when he has been nothing but kind to her.

I have tried to tell her I'm fed up with defending my relationship to her/ unhappy with how she speaks about DBf but she just says it's in her nature to be protective and that's what she's doing. She doesn't take any sort of criticism on board from anyone.

bumsexatthebingo Wed 19-Oct-16 17:07:42

She's jealous and being very irritating and rude. I would definitely back off from the friendship.

YouTheCat Wed 19-Oct-16 17:12:11

She's sounds awful.

Tell her you don't need protecting and she either packs in the shit stirring or she can bugger off.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 19-Oct-16 17:12:26

She sounds very jealous if you both, I think she might actually fancy him too. Her behaviour towards him is unacceptable, and wod make me think that bit less of her. I wod distance myself, the friendship sounds very one sided. This might put a strain on your relationship.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 19-Oct-16 17:13:38

She's not protecting. Protecting from what! It's an excuse for her to behave the way she is.

Mysecretgarden Wed 19-Oct-16 17:13:45

Has she got any genuine reasons to dislike him?

Arfarfanarf Wed 19-Oct-16 17:16:03

She's not your friend.

Friends don't behave like that.

It actually sounds like she dislikes you.

I wouldnt bother with her any more tbh

Pumpkintopf Wed 19-Oct-16 17:21:32

Definitely back off. It doesn't sound like she's being a very good friend to you.

FrancisCrawford Wed 19-Oct-16 17:23:27

It does sound as if she dislikes you and is trying to break up your tekationship.

She isn't a friend

Give her a wide berth

BerylStreep Wed 19-Oct-16 17:30:02

Of course YANBU.

She is demanding, interfering and rude. She treats you like a child who is unable to make decisions for yourself.

Even if she does have genuine concerns about your bf, she could approach it in a more constructive way.

Tell her that your friendship isn't really working out for you and cut her off.

CoraPirbright Wed 19-Oct-16 17:32:51

Hmmmm well, for most of your post, I thought "oh dear, perhaps the old friend can see issues with the boyfriend that the newly loved-up OP can't" but then I got to this bit:

I feel like I see her more often because she has no-one else to spend her time with.

This says it all, really. If she has alienated all her other friends and failed to make new ones I think other poster's assessment of her being toxic and jealous are correct. I would def distance yourself. Goodness only knows how she would react if you got engaged or something!

Hissy Wed 19-Oct-16 17:32:52

Her ex had the right idea! Just stunned it took him 4yrs to dump her!

She's awful!

Your old male friend is also no friend to your relationship, there seems to be a theme here. Why put up with people who don't respect your boundaries?

Think on, if your relationship with this guy is worth half what you say, he's definitely worth taking the space and time to make this work.

Your bff? No. she's nasty, jealous and not good enough to be in your life

CurrySauce Wed 19-Oct-16 17:36:38

We have been friends for over ten years, and yes, in some ways it has been quite one-sided, but generally in the past there has never been anything I can't go to her about, nor her with me. I don't see why she's stick around for ten years if she dislikes me- our lives are almost completely separate and it wouldn't be hard for her to let us drift or to cut me out.

This is the first time have genuinely thought that she is behaving like a bad friend as opposed to just irritating me a little as friends do from time to time.

To answer a couple of questions; I am certain it has nothing to do with her fancying him. She is quite high-maintenance and DBf is the polar opposite of the sort of person that would meet her needs; she has a very specific type and it's not him! I can only assume she is jealous/ bitter that I'm settling with someone whilst she is going "backwards" again. She is desparate for wedding, marriage etc. an it hasn't happened for her even after four years.

I suppose there are things she could dislike about him- she can be a bit closed minded and I think she finds it hard to grasp that he hasn't "courted" me, that he doesn't dress up when we go out, that he can be a bit juvenile at times... but in terms of our relationship she has no reason to dislike the way he treats me or his behaviour towards me to the extent she says she does. I may have had a whinge a few times if he's been a bit thoughtless- but nothing more than mild irritation, he has certainly never done anything to really upset or worry me that would give her reason for such hatred/concern.

CurrySauce Wed 19-Oct-16 17:41:24

Thanks Hissy

WRT My male friend, we often fall back in touch and it remains friendly, he means no harm. I did tell him that I was happy in my new relationship and settling down and haven't heard from him since so I assume he has backed off in the realisation we wont be resuming an old fwb arrangement. I'm fine with that- I have enough self control to tell him how it is, it was my BFFs assumption that I'd go running back him and her superior attitude about it that pissed me off!

BerylStreep Wed 19-Oct-16 17:42:58

She wants to ruin your relationship because she can't bear anyone else being happy when she isn't.

magicstar1 Wed 19-Oct-16 17:44:02

She sounds jealous and wants you to be single too.

I'd make sure to tell your bf about the other guy, and that there's nothing between you any more. It wouldn't surprise me if she "let it slip" about him contacting you, and made it out to be something it wasn't.

bumblebee50 Wed 19-Oct-16 17:44:08

She is obviously very jealous of you. I had a friend like this many years ago - me and my boyfriend at the time (now husband) took her everywhere with us because she was lonely but she became increasingly needy and was always in a bad mood. I wish I could have seen it at the time - she was a toxic friend and I should have binned her. This friend does not have your best interests at heart and your relationship is none of her business.

Arkhamasylum Wed 19-Oct-16 17:44:46

The 'prick' thing is really nasty. I would just respond 'no' whenever she says it and either leave or ask her to leave.

She's forcing you to collude in this behaviour towards your bf, so she's on the inside and he's outside. She really sounds like a horror.

If you don't think she can change, I would avoid her. And it's not your job to change her.

JellyBelli Wed 19-Oct-16 17:46:54

YANBU, thats completely unnaceptable. Walk away.

champagneplanet Wed 19-Oct-16 17:53:48

She's jealous, needy and not very nice. Withdraw from her slowly, don't mix with her and your DBF together and don't tell her as much anymore.

You sound like a good person, she doesn't deserve you, friendship is a two way street.

acatcalledjohn Wed 19-Oct-16 17:55:26

She sounds awful.

Next time she calls him prick, ask her why she thinks it's acceptable to demean him like that. Next time she tells you that he isn't good enough for you: ask her why she says that.

Then ask her why she seems so hell bent on ruining your happiness without any solid reasoning behind it.

It may just make her think, in case it is her own hurt translating in to jealousy.

cuckoowith2 Wed 19-Oct-16 17:56:41

I have a similar friend! She has been in a shitty relationship for years and regularly shits all over anything good that's happening to me. I find that keeping her at arms length is now the best approach. I don't tell her much about my life when I see her, I just listen to her moan about hers and that's about it! Once every couple of weeks, job done! X

BeautifulMaudOHara Wed 19-Oct-16 17:56:49

I've only read your op but she is not your friend. Drop her!

WildDigestive Wed 19-Oct-16 18:00:33

I think that as you initially invited her in (for generous reasons), she's making herself at home in your relationship, and has become the equivalent of the overnight guest who takes up permanent residence in the spare room, chain smoking and bitching about the wallpaper. You need to make it clear she's overstayed her welcome.

Her behaviour has been appalling, but I'm also surprised you've tolerated her rudeness and interference for so long - she clearly thinks you're ok with it? You need to start being very explicit.

Jaxhog Wed 19-Oct-16 18:06:47

Toxic, toxic, toxic. She is not a friend. Dump her, gently.

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