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to think I don't have to consult DH reg accepting a promotion?

(232 Posts)
theramengirl Wed 19-Oct-16 12:30:59

Details slightly changed to avoid outing.

I have been asked by a government organization to act as its media representative. It came as a surprise to me, but not to my co-workers – seems that they always ‘knew I will go places’ (this quote is direct from the mouth of one). I was in a volunteer position so far. Now I will be in the forefront.

I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often.

It IS a big honour, and something I feel is like a gift from the gods for all my hard work these years. I immediately accepted.

When I went home and told my husband, he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization.

My husband is generally a nice guy, but is from a culture which expects women to be seen and not heard (I am from the same culture too, but brought up by liberal parents – am very lucky that way). Initially there was great friction as he realised I was not going to be a 'homemaker' like his mother or sister, but we have worked around it. I own a business now, and we are now closer than ever (or so I thought!).

He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money (for eg he helped out a cousin of mine when he was in financial difficulty, and didn’t even expect the money back). He also travels frequently, for weeks some time, due to the nature of his work. But I have always been there at home when he returns. Now the status with change.

He is upset now. I really didn’t think it would matter (it's not like we have any dependents), I thought he would be happy for me. He is, I think, but he is also acting like I have been massively insensitive.

AIBU to feel that I didn’t have to talk to him before accepting a promotion? Should I have told this government organization – "Thanks, but give me some time to give you an answer" – and then discussed with my husband about it all, and then given my acceptance?

Will be grateful for your thoughts.

Perfectlypurple Wed 19-Oct-16 12:33:35

I wouldn't make a big decision that would impact my life without discussing it with my husband. I wouldn't want him to make a big decision without discussing it with me either.

Velvetdarkness Wed 19-Oct-16 12:33:36

You should have discussed it with him as it will affect your home life through being away lots.

If my husband accepted a change in role without discussing it with me I'd be very upset and hurt. It's disrespectful.

RiverTam Wed 19-Oct-16 12:36:08

So you don't have any children? In which case, it's no where like as big a deal as if you did.

Did he run his job past you before he took it?

sirfredfredgeorge Wed 19-Oct-16 12:38:23

Yes, any thing that impacts your family to that level, should be discussed with your family, that doesn't mean they would have the power of veto, but discussion is reasonable. Obviously with dependents it would've been an even bigger deal, but even without it is still a change significant enough that the respect of discussing it first is correct.

Equally such a position should not require an immediate answer and there's no need for bollocks about "discussing with my husband" as an excuse for not answering immediately yes/no.

lastqueenofscotland Wed 19-Oct-16 12:40:05

I would discuss it with my family, as I'd expect DP to discuss it with me too

ChessieFL Wed 19-Oct-16 12:40:50

YABU. You will be away from home more which impacts on him. Reverse the situation - how would you feel if he took a job taking him away from home a lot and didn't discuss it with you first?

theramengirl Wed 19-Oct-16 12:40:52

Thanks for your perspectives.

We are childfree by choice due to severe mental health issues in both our families so we decided not to pass it on to the next generation.

I am a CSA survivor, am sure it has some bearing in the fact that I never really have wanted to have kids (never even felt the faintest tick tock of the proverbial clock!). My husband knows about this and has shown nothing but kindness to me. But I do like children – can say without conceit that I am a beloved aunt to many of my nieces and nephews. We had hoped to get into fostering older kids in the near future, but it has to take a back seat now, as both of us will be travelling a lot.

R

ShaunPaul Wed 19-Oct-16 12:41:25

YANBU.

SpotTheDuck Wed 19-Oct-16 12:42:40

I'd be very passed off if DH accepted a new job which would impact our lives together that much without bothering to discuss it with me.

Can you honestly not see that you being away from home, working long hours, travelling for work, and being visible in the media all potentially affect your husband, and your lives together?

How would you feel if he just announced this kind of change?

theramengirl Wed 19-Oct-16 12:42:50

Just to make it clear, he has never discussed with me about his job. He goes where he takes him, whenever he is needed (usually once a month). He just lets me know a day earlier, if I am lucky, two days early!

ShaunPaul Wed 19-Oct-16 12:43:27

You don't need to justify why you don't have children, OP.

YANBU to not discuss it with him. Yes his life might be affected but if it's something you want to do and are excited by then the effects on him don't matter.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 19-Oct-16 12:43:34

Congratulations. All sounds very exciting.

I would've discussed it first with my husband though, as he would discuss any changes he intended.

I would also discuss with him to make my mind up, not jumping in too rashly as we would discuss pros and cons.

Any changes that are likely to affect home life are worth discussing, whether you have kids or not.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 19-Oct-16 12:45:35

Of course you should have discussed it with him! It's absolutely nothing to do with cultural stuff about women being homemakers, you're married and therefore in a partnership, a team, and neither of you should make big decisions which involve you being away from home a lot without discussing it first.

I can't imagine either DH or I behaving like this, it's hugely disrespectful and hurtful.

GinIsIn Wed 19-Oct-16 12:45:59

It's not so much a question of whether or not you should discuss it, more that I don't understand why on earth you wouldn't?! My DH and I tend to ask each other before doing things like changing our broadband provider, let alone a major lifestyle decision. I do think it's disrespectful not to mention it, yes!

SirChenjin Wed 19-Oct-16 12:46:24

YABU - I would discuss any major life changes with DH and would expect him to do the same.

theramengirl Wed 19-Oct-16 12:47:01

Some more info.

We have been married for 4 years, dated for 2 before that. We have the usual rows couples have, but I have no doubt in my love for him, or in his love for me.

We had a tough time a couple of years back, when we briefly separated because of his parents’ interference (they did their best to get him to divorce me, because I would not stay home all day like a proper ‘insert religion here’ wife, barefoot and pregnant), but ultimately he stood by me, but not without a terrible struggle. He also lost his (large) legacy, as his parents effectively banished him for ‘choosing’ me. He still feels sad and depressed about it (he cries sometimes in his sleep), not about the money but the loss of the relationship with his parents whom he loves very much.

Our choice to be child free – this was seen nothing less than a sin and a crime by his family, and was one of the main reasons why they cut ties off with him/us with NC.

My husband’s one of those people who were invested more in his parents than they were on him. Both of us are from dysfunctional families and have worked hard at not repeating their patterns (it has been a very slippery slope so far but I feel we are doing great). He is not abusive, or violent, though is prone to heavy mood swings.

As for me, I grew up in a violent home where both parents were abusive to each other (never to us kids though) and have been receiving non-medication counselling most of my adult life (by choice, after I started earning), and it has changed me to a better person, stopped me from following my parents’ footsteps, so to speak. I don't miss not seeing my parents at all.

I have been asking my husband to go to counselling but he refuses to. I hate to nag, so I have not pressed him. He believes in prayer more. He is pious, I am agnostic. We both are very different people with little common interests, but love each other and we have worked hard at practicing the ‘live and let live’ philosophy.

No, when I married him, I did not know - nor was I told - that his job included frequent travel.

Sorry for the essay, wanted to avoid drip feeding.

dodobookends Wed 19-Oct-16 12:47:09

Ordinarily I'd say that no, you wouldn't really need to discuss a potential promotion with your DH before accepting it, but in this case you will be moving into a role in the public eye which could well have an impact on your private life. This will probably affect him too.

middlings Wed 19-Oct-16 12:48:22

Even pre-DC I'd have discussed something like this with DH. I can't see why you didn't and cultural reasons aside, can understand his hurt.

BertPuttocks Wed 19-Oct-16 12:48:41

I was going to agree that you should have discussed it first, until I read that your DH doesn't do this himself.

If that's the way things usually work in your household, then YANBU to have assumed that you shouldn't need to discuss the promotion first.

Either way, congratulations on the new job.

Stillunexpected Wed 19-Oct-16 12:49:05

I would be really annoyed if DH came home and announced this kind of change to me. This isn't really a "promotion" is it? It's a huge, massive shift in your circumstances, given that you are currently volunteer and will now be in a paid role. It affects your finances, your time together and your current division of roles and responsibilities within your marriage. I think it would have been perfectly acceptable (indeed, probably expected by the organisation) that you would want to take even a little time to consider accepting the position, regardless of whether you were going to discuss with your DH or not. Even without marriage, it sounds like this is going to be a big change in your life and you should give some thought to the practicalities of it.

theramengirl Wed 19-Oct-16 12:49:56

Thanks again for all your answers. I now feel perhaps I should have waited instead of accepting the job on the spot. I honestly didn't think it would matter...

Hrafnkel Wed 19-Oct-16 12:52:15

If I were in your position, I definitely wouldn't be asking for permission from DH; I might, however, ask him for 'advice' as to what I should think about before accepting or how it might impact our lives together.

On balance, YANBU.

YelloDraw Wed 19-Oct-16 12:53:46

I don't see the issue. He travels with work. You don't have children. This is a fantastic opportunity for you. What is there to discuss? He should be happy for you.

theramengirl Wed 19-Oct-16 12:54:25

It's not totally out of the blue. I have been feeling the need to go full time recently, rather than an independent consultant, and my husband knows this very well. Instead of working with 5 vendors at the same time, I will not be working with one in a full time capacity... the hours I work is not going to change massively. Just that I won't be there on a few weeknights a month.

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