To have pretty much ended this friendship?

[storminabuttercup]

Because DP thinks I've been a bit harsh. Let me give some back ground.

I've known X since our children were tiny but knew of her before then, through the kids we became friends, she has 2 boys, 1 a year older than mine and 1 3 years older. X has and always has had a huge group of friends, she is a stay at home mum and is always out and about during the day visiting people for coffee etc. I work full time so my time to see friends is weekends. So we either met on an evening or maybe a play date in the school holidays

X is quite full on she's very much an 'I love all my friends they are amazing type person' but over the years I've come to realise this is a bit fake, I also got incredibly frustrated by trying to plan any meet ups. For example I would get a message saying 'must meet up soon miss you' I'd ask when was best and I'd get a list of dates they couldn't do pretty much covering the next two months, any meet ups tended to be her and her partner coming to us, or me booking restaurants taxis the lot, In the end I thought 'fuck it' I'm not doing this so I made a New Years resolution to leave the ball in her court, so for 10 months I've got messages asking to meet up, I say sure let me know when, then nothing for a few weeks until I get another.
One time DP bumped into them and invited them to join us on a day out, they said they couldn't as they were busy, the week before said trip I got a message asking us to do something totally different, I said I couldn't because we were doing said trip, I got a reply saying every time they try and meet up we say we can't is there something wrong?
Trying to cut a long story short we've only seen them when we've dropped off birthday cards for the kids, they dropped DS's card 2 months before his birthday as they were so busy.
It just screams to me, we want you to see how busy we are, despite the asking to meet up messages I hear nothing else.
So mid September I get a message asking if we can sort out xmas presents, what does DS want etc, at this point I really couldn't be thinking about xmas and just said maybe it's easier to stop buying this year as we don't see each other and the logistics of arranging to swap presents (as opposed to sticking cards through the door) is a bloody nightmare and has been for the last few years. (They live in the same village but it's the same as meeting up)
I just got a 'yes fine' reply. (Then some status on FB about knowing who your friends are)

So have I been unreasonable? I actually think they aren't bothered about meeting up it's all a bit of a show, DP says it's a shame as we were good friends but I'm not entirely sure that's the case. The whole thing seems so 'playground' I feel a bit of a bitch but I just don't have the time or energy to keep up what I think is a charade.

Not wanting to drip feed but 2 years ago I had a MC, about a week later I was supposed to be meeting x for coffee, she messaged to say stay at home and rest, I said I really need the company, she said no you should be resting, then went out with another friend, I did tell her how much this upset me and I got the whole 'I was thinking of you' so I think this has played a part in the decision too.

Like I say i feel like I'm being childish, but I've not said 'I'm not your friend anymore' it's just more of an I'm not making the effort!

[storminabuttercup]

Fucking hell thats long!

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I agree it sounds like the friendship has run its course. I have 'busy, busy, busy' friends, but luckily they have enough redeeming qualities to outweigh the frustrations. Life does have a way of taking over if you let it, but it just sounds to me like you don't much like her any more. Fwiw I can understand that - she sounds like hard work - but I'm sure there have been times when you've dug your heels in just a teeny bit, to make a point.

[Thefitfatty]

She sounds like far to much effort for me. YANBU.

[SandysMam]

Long but hopefully cathartic you don't need us lot to tell us what to do, by the time you get round to letting it all out on mumsnet, the decision has been made!
I had a friend like that who was obsessed with sending cards, gifts and looking like a fantastic friend, but when the shit hit the fan was more concerned with how my tough time would impact on her. Got rid and don't regret it one bit (except when aisle dodging her in Tesco which can be exhausting!).
Good luck and enjoy your new found freedom from this frenemy!

[myownprivateidaho]

Well, of course you're not unreasonable to keep up a friendship that isn't working for you.

I don't think it sounds like she's done much wrong though.

Refusing to meet you after your MC is the only really bad thing. And in the context of a friendship I'd be inclined to think that she really thought that you were just trying to be polite and honour the engagement when it would be better for you to stay in. OR that she had had such an experience herself and did not feel able to talk to you about it. Or possibly that she didn't feel close enough to you to have that kind of conversation.

[myownprivateidaho]

so for 10 months I've got messages asking to meet up, I say sure let me know when, then nothing for a few weeks until I get another I mean this honestly is not great behaviour from you! I'm impressed she lasted 10 months.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

I think you've done the right thing, but as LittleLion mentioned I think you just don't like her very much.

It's not a crime to have lots of friends and be busy. Some people just are, they're not all faking it.

I don't think it's fair to blame your friend for the breakdown, I think you should take equal blame. But I wouldn't worry about it.

[MimiSunshine]

If the friendship doesn't suit you then it's fine to end it. However some people just plan ahead and their diary gets full.

If some asked me to meet up for coffee now, I'd only be able to say I'm free on X afternoon, Y morning or Z all day which are three dates over the next month.

Personally I prefer to keep most weekends free for family time so limit my 'bookings' for those days and what with activities and other things the weeks get fully booked.

It's also just easier to say "I'm free any day other than X,Y & Z" rather than "when are you free? Nope not that date, nor that one, oh and that's busy too" otherwise it's like some bloody guess what number I'm thinking of game.

But crucially most of my friends are the same and a text to say lets meet up, when are you free is expected to mean in two months time

[YvaineStormhold]

Why is the 'sure, let me know when' thing bad behaviour from the OP?

What should she have said?

[storminabuttercup]

so for 10 months I've got messages asking to meet up, I say sure let me know when, then nothing for a few weeks until I get another I mean this honestly is not great behaviour from you! I'm impressed she lasted 10 months.

I think I've made that sound worse than it is, it's been more sure, when can you do, let me know when you are free as before I've spent ages suggesting dates iyswim.

I do like her, we've had some really good times but I can see what PP means as I've not really made that clear. It's more just the frustration that I was getting 'when can we meet up messages, I'd say oh we are free every weekend except x date' then I'd get a message saying oh we can't do any weekend until 2023 type thing, I mean why ask?

[storminabuttercup]

And yes I've dug my heels a bit, makes me just as bad I know

[Onlytimewilltell]

Myownprivate she did the running around before the ten months, read the thread!

OP I think you did the right thing, I have had a similar situation with a friend, left the ball in her court and didn't hear from her until she wanted a favour, then there were a flurry of texts and she was able to pop round at the drop of a hat, that was 5 months ago and I haven't heard from her since, so when it was her sons birthday, who I never see and who has probably forgotten who I am, I never put a card through the door.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Op I think if i'd had the kind of frustrations you've had trying to be proactive about meeting up I'd eventually resort to 'sure - let me know when' too. There's nothing wrong with putting the ball back in the court of the person who is the rate limiting step. When I say you don't like her, I mean you've grown apart and perhaps don't like her as you used to. Your words about her being a sahm who goes for coffee, while you work and can only do weekends, are very telling. Your lives are very different and it sounds like a little resentment could be creeping in? Regardless, I think you've done the right thing and don't think you've behaved badly. I'd have probably run out of patience by now too.

[randomer]

i am reminded of a phrase from my yoga class " let it go"

Friendships revolving round kids can be tricky. Is this person a true friend of yours? you and your partner? you and your family?

Do you have the time and energy to continue playing this game?

re Christmas presents its kind of sad but what's the point?

[SpotTheDuck]

I have those kind of busy-busy friends, and know what you mean.

It's all "I miss you, must arrange a catch up!" and then it turns out they're only free to fit me in between other friends, an hour away, on a Wednesday next month over the DCs bedtime, for a cup of coffee. I just don't see the point! They'd have to have major redeeming qualities for me to keep bothering after a while, and think it's totally fair enough to just start saying "yes would be good to see you, when are you free" rather than doing all the running.

[girlywhirly]

I agree, she does sound hard work and very self-centred. It seems she wants to see you but only when and where she wants. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Her behaviour then was supremely selfish under the guise of telling you you should rest at home and then going to see another friend; why couldn't you rest and she come to see you if she was so concerned?

Really, she probably isn't that good a friend to all her 'amazing' friends, I expect they are good enough when they are doing what she wants, or maybe some of them are more available because they are full time at home. This also makes me think that this friend has no idea how hard it is sometimes to work full time and shoehorn socialising into whatever you have left after housework and all the other stuff of daily life.

Who are your good friends, the ones who do put themselves out for you, but don't expect everything on their own terms, I'd stick with them.

[YvaineStormhold]

Never make a priority of someone who regards you as an option.

I'm in the process of letting some defunct friendships go at the moment. Sometimes things just run their course.

[BoffinMum]

She's a shit friend.

[Lorelei76]

I'm with you op and don't think you've behaved badly at any point
Btw have I got this right, they live in the same village? So how far to travel to see each other?

[User543212345]

If you wanted to still be friends with her then the busy/flaky thing wouldn't annoy you and you'd carry on. You seem to not want to make space for her anymore and that's totally fine

Something I've noticed as friendships wax and wane is that we all seem to want to find reasons for the friendship no longer working - almost as though our feeling of "this doesn't work for me anymore" isn't enough and we need to justify said feeling with facts or excuses. You know what? You really don't. If you're feeling fed up that is enough and you're perfectly within your rights, and indeed should feel at ease, to move on.

[JerryFerry]

She sounds pretty tedious. I'd be inclined to let it go and therefore make way for a better quality friendship.

All this competitive busy thing is so old hat and really not very cool.

[pensivepolly]

I have one friend who frequently cancels plans, but she also makes good on them often enough that I stick around (plus she is excellent company). However, I have another friendship that I finally let go a few months ago. This friend was always making plans with me well in advance and then cancelling them at the last minute, after I'd turned down getting together with other friends on the basis of honouring my original plans with (now former) friend. When I finally called her out on her behaviour, which had gone on for years, she was defensive and unpleasant, which sealed my decision to end the friendship. I find that I have only limited free time and lots of people I want to see, so I am learning to pick and choose my friends based on whether or not our friendship seems more or less equally important to both of us. If a friend can't be bothered to make plans, or if I feel that I am the one always making the effort to get together, I think I'd let it go.

[Emberfirefly]

If she is a good friend other than always being busy and disorganised why not just say outright to her what the problem is, she and her husband are obviously worried they've upset you and maybe they just need it spelling out? I think you should have given her a chance to rectify things before cutting her off.

[storminabuttercup]

Thanks all I'll try to answer some questions as I remember them (on phone)

So yes same village, 5 min drive max.

I don't think I resent her being a Sahm I love my job and although not working full time was an option I decided to do it.

I do have other friends, good ones who i don't see often but when I do it's great.

The MC was a really low point, she would happily talk to me about it and called me a few times I just wanted to be with someone that day and had looked forward to it, got myself dressed which took a lot and then was let down. I was lucky as I got support here.

The friendship was very much me and her then became a couples thing and family days out, I even arranged a weekend away.

It's not that she's busy i totally get that, it's the whole asking to meet up then saying they are too busy to.

I really appreciate the comments lots to think about thank you

[storminabuttercup]

Ember, I missed that bit, I did say that I have always made time and will do but they need to tell me when they have time, it's always well we don't. Then the cycle continues.

Organising the swapping of presents last year was a nightmare, I offered to drop them off after work in the end and got a 'yes but can't chat as we have friends round every night this week'