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To say I'm not bothering with MIL till she makes the effort with me and her son?

(10 Posts)
TheEvilGreenCoconut Wed 19-Oct-16 06:42:26

I know I probably AIBU, but I've really just had enough of dealing with her constant rejection.

I see her maybe six times a year, maximum. At my husbands and my arrangement - she never makes the effort to see us, not even to arrange coffee. It's been this way for five years. She feels like a stranger to me, as to be expected, it's hard to have a relationship with someone you barely see.

A few examples of her behaviour include;

6 months ago she promised and made a really big deal about helping me set up the day before the wedding, it was a large venue, a lot to do and I really appreciated the offer. I really wanted it to be a chance for us to bond. On the day, she decided that she was going to travel to London to audition for a reality show. Didn't tell me - just went.

She spoke to me once at the wedding. To ask about when food was served. She was a complete arse to be honest. Whenever I tried to talk to her she just ignored me in favour of someone else.

Since then she's visited once, we've visited five times. We moved an hour and a half away after the wedding.

My husband has alluded to the fact we are having fertility issues, she hasn't once asked how I am. She doesn't know when my birthday is. She doesn't seem interested in me at all.

Anyway. So she has complained about how she can't afford to visit us, and has just got back from a two week holiday in Spain. We invited her around for the Sunday as it's my birthday, I have my family coming and it felt right to invite her. She said no.

I just feel like if it's not convenient for her, she can't be bothered! It's no alway ideal for us to go to her! But we do.

So AIBU to just not make contact with her until she bothers to arrange something with us? If a friend did this, I know I wouldn't bother with such a one sided relationship! I want a relationship with her, but do I just have to accept that she doesn't seem to want one with me?

Sorry for how long this ended up being!

hesterton Wed 19-Oct-16 06:45:13

Yes, I would gently detach. She isn't obliged to take an interest and neither are you. If you feel she's just not worth the effort (and I would agree, she isn't ) then why make one?

Blacksheep78 Wed 19-Oct-16 06:45:58

YANBU in my opinion. You've tried, she's rejected. Ball is in her court now.

myownprivateidaho Wed 19-Oct-16 07:18:13

I think that being a good son or daughter in law basically boils down to supporting and fitting in with the pre-existing relationship between the ILs and your partner. People have vastly different relationships with their parents, and so when you marry someone you can't expect the relationship with their ILs to be entirely on your own terms - you basically have to fit in with another family dynamic.

So I think that you might be expecting something beyond what your DH and his mum have if that makes sense. It sounds like they don't see each other often, and that's fine.

I think you would be U to fall out with your DH's mum over this. Just take the lead from your DH and see her when they organise something together. There's absolutely no need for you to contact independently of your DH or her you, in fact I think it's slightly inappropriate that you would (with that kind of relationship not having been established in conjunction with your DH iyswim).

Anyway, don't stress about it, every family is different and you didn't marry her!

SheldonCRules Wed 19-Oct-16 07:28:10

It's up to your DH to have a relationship with his own mum. The fact you've moved ninety minutes away won't help that though if it wasn't great in the first place.

Just as millions of people don't like their MILs, I'm sure lots of MILs don't like their DILs so keep contact to a minimum and are polite.

If she doesn't want a relationship with you, you can't force one.

TheEvilGreenCoconut Wed 19-Oct-16 07:47:13

I think what annoys me the most is she apparantly moans to DH about how she doesn't have a relationship with me! What she says completely contradicts her actions.

I think you're all right though. She isn't under any obligation to like me, or spend time with me. I just need to drop it really, don't I?

Strawberry90 Wed 19-Oct-16 07:56:49

She sounds a manipulative nightmare. She prob sees you as some sort of threat. I'd stop making the extra effort and come to terms if you can with the fact you'll never have relationship she wants. However be sweetness and light whenerecer you see her and support your OH's relationship with her so you can't be blamed. that'll win the power battle!
I wouldn't expect anyone to ask after my fertility issues tho - most people wouldn't talk about them unless you raised it for fear of causing upset. I also think you were a bit ott expecting bonding before the wedding but maybe that's normal for your family/culture.

ohfourfoxache Wed 19-Oct-16 08:05:42

I think you do, tbh (drop it, I mean)

Unfortunately you can only do so much, and no matter how much you want to have a lovely family relationship with someone, you can't make them feel the same.

She's complaining because she can't be bothered- attack is the best form of defence and all that- and trying to put responsibility for your lack of relationship on you.

Back away and let dh do any organising. Honestly, it means far far less stress for you- the outcome is the same so there really is little point in worrying about it.

I am sorry you're in this situation though- it's shit. It took me 15 years to give up trying to have a relationship with them and the heartache it caused was immeasurable thanks

Strawberry90 Wed 19-Oct-16 08:18:56

Ps oh I see now (sorry) that she offered to help - yeah manipulative attention seeker (she's auditioning for a reality show tells you so much about her!!)

Strawberry90 Wed 19-Oct-16 08:21:20

Pps I'm in same position my inlaws are rubbish too and show no interest in me or our children. It's very hurtful and you feel constant rejection which isn't logical but it's what you feel anyway. You've done nothing wrong these issues are hers not yours - you just have to stop being hurt by them as she's not going to change

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