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AIBU?

To want DH to talk to MIL

219 replies

TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 00:05

I may be being unreasonable here but thought I'd ask.

At the weekend DH and I had a long planned weekend away with friends, which had been organised since the beginning of the year. We don't often ask grandparents to have the DC, but obviously did for this occasion.

At the start of the week MIL mentioned that they (mil and Fil) were going to take DC (who is 3) to a rugby match played by BIL. She said that DC could play on tablet whilst there. After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that. There were a few reasons for this, which I'm not really going to go into here. It wasn't an important game or local - a 3.5 hour round trip - and they'd only decided to go because FIL wanted to go have a few beers at the clubhouse basically.

DH had a word with MIL and she said that they wouldn't go. So we went away and tried to call them at home late afternoon Saturday. We didn't get an answer so I asked DH to call MIL mobile, which he did. MIL answered and when she did it was obvious they weren't at home. When DH asked where she was she replied 'Me and DC are just picking up FIL from watching BIL play - we only stayed for 5 mins then went to a play gym and now we're picking Fil up and will go out for tea before going home.' Now MIL has form for lying/being secretive. I'm not sure whether to believe that she did actually take DC to a play gym as the club house is in the arse end of nowhere. Plus we know what her 5 minutes is like..it really isn't 5 minutes. She later mentioned that DC had been running up and down the pitch.

I am really annoyed that MIL was asked not to do something and has gone and done it anyway, after telling DH she wouldn't. When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'. To maybe make things worse MIL then rang yesterday to say how well behaved DC had been on Saturday, as if possibly trying to prove some kind of point. DH isn't pleased that MIL has completely ignored us but hasn't said a word to her yet.

AIBU to think that DH should tell his mum how out of order this was? MIL is wanting to have the other DC (who are older) next week as its half term, but I think a chat needs to take place first. I don't know if she thought she'd be able to get away with it, she only had to tell us because we'd effectively 'caught' her out. How would you handle this?

OP posts:

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FlapsTie · 19/10/2016 00:11

I wouldn't. They babysat for the weekend. They obviously love him and made a judgement about what to do with him. For the sake of family harmony I would suck this one up. Oresumably they aren't neglectful or abusive, or you wouldn't have asked them to babysit.

Let it go.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 19/10/2016 00:18

Don't ever let them babysit again.

Problem solved.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 19/10/2016 00:22

I can't see why the match was such a problem tbh. I suppose it depends on your other reasons too though.
Are you happy for her to refuse any further babysitting if you call her out on this?

llangennith · 19/10/2016 00:25

Be grateful you have a MIL who loves her grandchildren enough to look after them for a weekend while the parents enjoy a break. Let it go. Not worth getting antsy about it.

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2016 00:29

I honestly don't think you can ask for opinions without saying why you didn't want him to go to the rugby match- it seems like a perfectly normal thing to do to me.

TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 00:29

No they aren't neglectful or abusive and yes I do know they love him. It's the fact that when asked not to do something they've done it anyway. I say they but the likelihood is that MIL has not spoken about it to FIL at all and has just gone along anyway.

MiL has helped us out a bit recently which I am very very appreciative of, but I don't feel that that gives her free reign on just doing something after being asked not to. Like I said in my OP it is very rare we ask grandparents to have any of the DC, they usually ask us, it's just this one weekend this year where we have actually asked.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2016 00:31

But why didn't you want him to go to the rugby?

kissingJustForPractice · 19/10/2016 00:31

I don't understand what the big deal is, I think you were being unreasonable to tell them they couldn't go to the rugby match in the first place.

Crispbutty · 19/10/2016 00:32

As you can't/won't go into the reasons, then yabu. It doesn't sound like he wasn't any risk at any time.

TroubleinDaFamily · 19/10/2016 00:34

It is a rugby club, they play rugby there, they do not mainline crack cocaine. FFS

You had free childcare and you then tried to set ridiculous parameters, you need to have a serious word with yourself.

Dontpanicpyke · 19/10/2016 00:35

Would this be inappropriate

Or never ask them to have your kid overnight again so no worries going forward.

Thanking god for my wonderful mil/DM/ and now Loving helping our dil/ds with grand children.

Op think long and thing hard before you act.

Wrinklytights · 19/10/2016 00:37

YABU to be dictating what they do with the DC while they are doing you a favour by babysitting unless it was something really extreme (which this wasn't)

Dontpanicpyke · 19/10/2016 00:39

Goady post must be yawn yawn no one that daft

TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 00:42

Ok point taken. Maybe I am being unreasonable then. I just thought that if you asked someone not to do something and they ignored you and did it anyway that it was a bit out of order, but it appears that I'm in the minority of that view.

Bertrand - I didn't really think the reasons are relevant to be honest, more the fact it'd been done anyway. One of them was that they were going to drive him on a 3.5 hour round trip (in good traffic) to just plonk him down to play on a tablet for the whole game, which isn't really watching him. He didn't really have any interest in going to watch at all - he's 3 and they wouldn't have been taking him for it being something for him to look forward to.

Kissing - we asked MiL not to go yes, partly for reason above. We'd had this weekend booked in for months and it wasn't like the match had been in the diary for a long time, it was decided at the start of last week that that's what was happening.

Anyway it appears I'm being unreasonable so I won't ask DH to speak to MIL.

OP posts:

JennyM9275 · 19/10/2016 00:46

It would really upset me if my MiL (or my own mum) went against my wishes in this way, particularly after agreeing, so I can understand why you are upset.
I think you need to think carefully though before accusing your MiL - are you certain she took DS to the match? Would she admit it even if you confront her? What are likely to be the consequences?
If you/DH have the kind of relationship with her where (a) she would admit it (b) you could express your concerns without her threatening to never talk to you/babysit again, then I would do it. Otherwise it might be wiser to just let it go this time?

DixieWishbone · 19/10/2016 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyM9275 · 19/10/2016 00:50

Btw I think your PiL abu taking a 3 yo to a rugby match - hardly entertaining for him!

honeyrider · 19/10/2016 00:52

YABVU setting such restrictions on your inlaws who are doing you a very big favour. I think you had a right cheek to tell her not to take him to the rugby match in the first place. You certainly don't come across as being even the slightest bit appreciative of all she's done for you.

OlennasWimple · 19/10/2016 00:53

You can't raise this without accusing her of lying to you - do you want to open that can of worms? Is this the battle you really want to fight?

I don't understand your objection to going to the rugby match in the first place - sounds like a perfectly normal, family outing to me - but I get why you are bothered that you think you have been undermined. But back to my first point: what good will come of raising this, and does it outweigh the certain negatives?

someonestolemynick · 19/10/2016 00:57

It was a bit off of you to ask your MiL in the first place.
You received free babysitting so you could go on a weekend away and as long as your PIL don't neglect or endanger your DS you have no right to dictate their activities.
Just look at this from your MiL' s perspective. If I was babysitting for you for a weekend and you told me I couldn't do X my response would have been to cancel the babysitting.

Bogeyface · 19/10/2016 01:01

Its not so much the rugby as the lying isnt it?

If they had said "Look, you wanted us to babysit which we are happy to do, but we are going to match so DS will have to come with us or we cant have him" then fair enough. You can decide which is more important to you, the trip or DS staying away from the match.

But they didnt. They agreed they wouldnt go, went anyway and lied about it and that is the angle you need to go in on. Make it clear that the issue isnt so much the Ruby, but the fact that they lied and that makes you question if you can trust them in future with more important things, such as (for an eg) when to seek medical help.

NotWeavingButDarning · 19/10/2016 01:01

Sorry but I think YABU. You can't really ask someone to do you a pretty big favour and then 'tell' them that they are not allowed to do x, y and z while they are doing you that favour.

Going to a match may not be what your 3yo would choose or what you would choose for him, but it's not dangerous or unsuitable, just a bit dull for him. It's hardly as if they were taking him bungee jumping or driving cross country with him unrestrained in their laps in the front seat.

I don't think you can get dictatorial under these circumstances without seeming incredibly uptight and a bit silly.

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TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 01:06

Maybe the rugby match is a bit of a red herring because it's not even about the rugby match, it's about doing something even after being asked not to.

Like I say, MiL does have form for lying and being secretive, but I didn't think she would try anything like that with anything to do with DC and I'm not really happy with that.

I did tell DH that I would have come back early and he did let MiL know this but she said it was fine.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2016 01:11

Blimey, you must have really not wanted him to go to the rugby match if you were going to come home from your weekend early!

Atenco · 19/10/2016 01:15

I'm a grandmother and I am bit shocked at the idea that you feel you can tell your PIL not to do a perfectly respectable activity while minding your son. OK it wasn't going to be much fun for your child, but life isn't all about having fun, is it?

Your MIL should have just said that in that case they couldn't mind your child instead of lying.

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