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To be worried about having a second child

(69 Posts)
Wonderingaboutlife Tue 18-Oct-16 21:30:52

This is my first post so I'm sorry if I do or say anything wrong!

A bit of background:
I have just turned 30 and have one ds who will be two in January. He is amazing (im not boasting honest!) since he was 2 weeks old he has slept through the night he eats well, he is very sociable and friendly chatty and well developed.

I don't know if I want to have another child as he is so brilliant I don't want to take anything away from him (time, money, love etc)

Dh does feels the same but is also concerned that being an only child may raise issues for him he thinks only children can be a bit weird (sorry no offence is meant by that)

So just wondering how other people felt about having a second child?? Am I crazy to feel like this?? When do you feel was the best age (of ur first child) to have a second child??

Any advice and experiences will be fab thank you

ShebaShimmyShake Tue 18-Oct-16 21:41:40

I assure you that there are plenty of weird people with siblings and lovely people without. If you want a second child have one, but have one because you want one. Not as some kind of useful appendage for your existing child, or to relieve your husband's idiocy and apparent lack of faith in his parenting.

Wonderingaboutlife Tue 18-Oct-16 21:52:27

Wow! Thanks for the knock Sheba not sure how you managed to determine that my husband has an apparent lack of faith in his parenting from my post I can assure you that he is a brilliant dad and I'm fully aware that there are plenty of weird people with siblings I was more looking for peoples views on how having a second child affected their relationship with their first child and if people were happy only having one child but as I said this this is my first post so maybe I was unclear with what I had written

UnicornPee Tue 18-Oct-16 21:53:05

When my son was 2 we heard him talking to a spider in the garden saying "will you be my friend"
We immediately felt guilty and went about ttc a sibling.
His sister came along and completed our family.
That was 8 years ago and now I'm pregnant with no.3

I'm the 3rd of 3 children and whilst we fought inwould have hated to be an only child d

Wonderingaboutlife Tue 18-Oct-16 21:54:52

Thank you unicornpee! Such a sweet story xx

BananaPie Tue 18-Oct-16 21:59:57

I think Sheba thought you meant any only child would raise issues for your dh. Too many he / him in your sentence and not clear who you're talking about.

Grammar aside, when you only have one, it's really hard to imagine how you could ever love another as much. But when number two arrives, you find that you can.

Bellyrub1980 Tue 18-Oct-16 22:03:26

Unicornpee that is so cute!

I currently have an only and if she starts asking insects to be her friend will have another. I don't think I could resist!!

But the truth is, we are in the exact same predicament as you OP. I change my mind daily.

SleepForTheWeak Tue 18-Oct-16 22:04:44

You'll think your second child is amazing - even if they are a shit sleeping, picky eating hermit crab.

imonthelist Tue 18-Oct-16 22:07:30

You will love your kid and you will find the energy and money to give them everything they need but all that does come from somewhere usually yourself and your marriage.

Wonderingaboutlife Tue 18-Oct-16 22:08:59

Ah thank you bananapie I can see how that reads wrong it should say:

Dh does feels the same but is also concerned that being an only child may raise issues for ds. Dh thinks only children can be a bit weird (sorry no offence is meant by that)

Everyone says you love all your children the same but I guess it's the same as having your first baby you don't realise HOW much you will love them till they are here.

Wonderingaboutlife Tue 18-Oct-16 22:11:16

Bellyrub1980 I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels different each day! Lol

Sleepfortheweak that did make me giggle thank you x

Wonderingaboutlife Tue 18-Oct-16 22:13:10

I know I'm being crazy and if we're lucky enough to have a second child it will be wonderful and amazing and just as loved as ds I just thought I would stop having the debate in my head and see what others thought so thank you for your experiences and feelings xx

CheshireSplat Tue 18-Oct-16 22:15:41

It has to be up to you but although your DS will have to share your time, your love won't be shared, it grows. And don't forget that you won't just be taking things away, you'd be adding things, like a little playmate.

For what it's worth I have 2. There's 2 years 10 months between them.DD1 adores DD2. DD2 is nearly two and they're starting to play really nicely - giggling, rolling around when DD2 is thumping DD1 and growling at her No regrets.

Eebahgum Tue 18-Oct-16 22:20:23

We thought we absolutely wanted a second. Never questioned it. Been trying for almost 3 years now & it looks like ds may end up being an only one. Some days it breaks my heart. Some days I think maybe it's for the best - I could go through all this and they could hate each other. Don't know if that's a genuine thought or just a protective mechanism.

Angela0413 Tue 18-Oct-16 22:21:38

I could never imagine only have one child as my sister and I are so close. My first is also amazing and I was worried I wouldn't love my second as much, I think a lot of people worry about this. But I do! He's so different from my first but he's amazing in his own way. And honestly the way him and his brother laugh and play together melts my heart, they are best mates

QuackDuckQuack Tue 18-Oct-16 22:22:00

I had a look at the research that's been done on only children and personality traits etc. I looked a while ago when I thought we might stick at 1 child. I think the research doesn't show any negative traits being more common in only children, but does show some positives.

But we did have a second child. I thought that there was no way we could possibly have as great a second child as I thought the sun shone out of DD1's arse (and still do) and that we'd have used all of our luck up on having her. I was wrong, DD2 is amazing too. They aren't identical, but share a lot of great characteristics. While DD1 needed more entertaining (though not excessively) DD2 is more self entertaining, but makes up for being less demanding by being a bit of a climber, so needing watching.

I don't think I would recommend having another baby because your child asked for a sibling. DD1 wanted a sister. When I said, "You've got the sister you asked for." She said, "No, I meant an older sister." grin

FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose Tue 18-Oct-16 22:23:24

I have just under 2 years between mine and it's great. It's relentless and hard work, but I don't have any of the guilt I thought I would have before dc2 was born. They adore each other.

I also found the first few weeks/months easier second time around, despite having a toddler. It's full on - I have no time to myself - but I have experience and confidence now.

If you want a second one, go for it. Don't let worries about your eldest put you off. Think about when they're older too - all being well they'll have a friend for life. I can't imagine not having my db.

SleepForTheWeak Tue 18-Oct-16 22:23:44

I've just found out I'm expecting DC2. DD (2) is my whole world and I love her with every fiver of my being, and I can't wait to experience that love again and give her a little brother or sister.

In saying that, I probably felt a lot like you did until I got my (unexpected) BFP although DD still doesn't sleep through the night at TWO YEARS

There's no right or wrong really

Kmxxx14 Tue 18-Oct-16 22:25:06

I have just had my second child, a daughter, 4 weeks ago. I have a 4 year old son. I remember feeling so in awe and in love with my son that there was no doubt in my mind that he would be my only child. I didn't want to share my time with him or to have to focus my time on another child. I was too busy enjoying him.

When he turned 3 he began to get a bit more easier and more independent & my sister also had her baby around this time. Suddenly I got very broody and wanted another one. I fell pregnant but had a miscarriage and then fell pregnant again and now my daughter is here.

During my pregnancy it worried me that this second baby wouldn't be as loved or that I wouldn't feel as connected to her as I do my son. I secretly thought that he would always be my number 1 - as horrible as that sounds.

Now she's here I can honestly hand on heart say I am so totally in love and in awe of her. I can't even begin to describe the love I feel for her already and it amazes me that I ever worried about it.

The main issue I'm actually having is the opposite - my son has became an absolute nightmare. He has became suddenly very cheeky, very loud and boisterous and just started to push all my buttons. I find myself so irritated at times by his behaviour as I now have this little baby and he's sometimes just to dangerous around her. He accidentally hit her head at 6 days old with an ornament and we had to take her to A&E. Also he constantly wakes her up with his shouting.

i do feel really bad for him as I don't like to constantly tell him to
Stop doing stuff & he's suddenly having to share me a lot, especially as I'm breastfeeding so baby is feeding lots but at the same time I feel bad for the baby as she'll never get th same attention that my son had for 4 years.

Anyway I thought I'd post as I never expected to feel this way. It's hard but I'm so glad she's here as she's so incredible already at only 4 weeks old. But it is a massive change and I know our life will never go back to the way it was with my only child. And our relationship will have changed but I'm hoping when it all settles and life becomes more normal that he will be grateful for his sibling.

arethereanyleftatall Tue 18-Oct-16 22:25:43

I felt exactly the same. Thought my heart was so full of love for my pfb, I couldn't have room to love another. I was wrong. My second is every bit as loved as my first. And equally as brilliant.
Go for it. Mine are two years apart and that's perfect, though I know of nothing else.

Mozismyhero Tue 18-Oct-16 22:27:26

I felt the same and really stressed over the affect it would have on DC1. My eldest adores his little brother and we couldn't imagine life without him now. It is harder work though and they do have to share your time.

ShebaShimmyShake Tue 18-Oct-16 22:31:17

Well OP, I have to assume that if your husband wants another child only because he's worried about the first being "weird", it's because he doesn't think he can raise a child to be "normal" by good parenting alone. (And obviously barring anything such as special needs or personal tragedy.) And if you find that offensive, imagine what only children and parents of only children must think.

The only things more irritating than people who think reproducing automatically makes them morally superior are people who think reproducing more than once automatically makes their progeny morally superior. As I said, if you want a second child, have one. But don't have one just as some sort of add on for the first or because of some silly closed mindedness that insults anyone without siblings or with one child.

I'm one of three. We are all but estranged and we've all got mental health problems that play up against each other. Mostly, I realise now, down to shoddy parenting. My husband is an only and he's stable and happy, mostly down to good parenting.

JackShit Tue 18-Oct-16 22:33:44

Some hurtful posts about onlies here sad

Keepingupwiththejonesys Tue 18-Oct-16 22:36:11

Im 25 and I have a little girl who is 4 next week and another little girl who was 2 on Sunday, i also have a teenage stepson. I always wanted more than one child so this path feels right for me. My first was very easy, slept well from around 6-8 weeks old. She is a very emotional child but on a whole, yep, she's what I'd class as 'easy'. My second, hmm grin she's the absolute opposite of her sister. Sleeps fab...once she's in with me, has tantrums at the drop of a hat, is very cheeky naughty and is a complete whirlwind. Wouldn't change either of them for the world though. When we go to pick dd1 up from pre school dd2 runs over to her, hugs her and says 'missed you 'insert name' ' . yes they fight but they also play together and the love they have for eachother shines through. Its obviously not.phased me to much as I'm now 24+4weeks with our third child haha!

Just to add, I'm one of 4, second to youngest and come from a huge family (my mum is one of 9) , dh is the eldest of 4 and also has a pretty large family. We both love being from big families so this gave us a positive outlook on having a larger family ourselves.

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara Tue 18-Oct-16 22:46:11

I'm undecided about having a second DC.

Mainly because I am petrified of going through PND again. It took me months to bond properly with DD, and although 5 years on it all seems like it was all worth it, I really don't want to go through all this again sad

I know it's not a given that I would get PND the second time around, but it really scares me.

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