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To not want DH to discuss my salary with his family?

(41 Posts)
PlinkPlonkPlunk Tue 18-Oct-16 20:48:15

I'm considering a new job, and DH happened to mention it to his sister. Her first question was "how much will she get paid?". Firstly, I thought that was an odd question - I might have asked something like "where's it based?" or "what kind of company is it?" or something, but I wouldn't ask anything about salary at all! But then I was a bit annoyed that DH actually told her how much I'd be earning (I wasn't there to stop him; he told me afterwards). Maybe it's because she's a bit judgemental anyway, so I don't like telling her too much, but I just thought that was inappropriate. Am I being unreasonable to ask him not to tell his family things like this? He doesn't see anything wrong with it.

MyGiddyUncle Tue 18-Oct-16 20:51:13

I don't really see anything wrong with it either. I wouldn't generally go around asking people their actual salaries - but in the situation where a family member or close friend told me they were considering moving job, i'd probably say something like 'Ooh, is it better paid?' in a genuine how-nice-for-you way.

fannyfanackapan Tue 18-Oct-16 20:53:45

My Exh did this and it pissed me off massively - mostly because his family didn't like me and judged me on my salary. It was higher than theirs so it gave them even more reason to dislike me!

My rule of thumb is never to discuss salary with anyon except my DH or my mum, end of.

ToadsforJustice Tue 18-Oct-16 20:56:06

I wouldn't discuss my salary with anyone. DH included.

Whathaveilost Tue 18-Oct-16 20:57:56

It nay not hsve been my first question but i have asked that and people (both family and friends) have asked me when I've gone for new jobs. Not a problem as far as i can see.
Seriously wouldnt bother me and it would be a talking point as to whether i took the job or not when weighing up the options so, yeah i would opely discuss it and wouldn't bothet if anyone else did.
Its hardly official secrets.

Whathaveilost Tue 18-Oct-16 20:59:01

So sorry for the typos.
Im struggling a bit tonight.

pinkyredrose Tue 18-Oct-16 21:01:05

Ask your DH to ask SIL how much she earns. If he doesn't want to ask her why he answered her question but not yours.

2rebecca Tue 18-Oct-16 21:01:39

I would be annoyed, my income is my business to disclose if I choose. I would tell him that in future if members of his family want to know about MY financial affairs he tells them to ask me and that i will do likewise re his earnings.
I think asking other people what they earn is very rude, and if you're going to be rude you should at least ask the person concerned not a relative of theirs.

PlinkPlonkPlunk Tue 18-Oct-16 21:03:09

I think what annoyed me most was that it was the first thing she asked, and she asked so directly. She literally asked nothing else about the job.

Toads, I can't imagine not discussing my salary with DH - we both know what each other earns. I do know a few friends who are the same as you, though, and it seems to work for them!

EastMidsMummy Tue 18-Oct-16 21:03:15

You wouldn't discuss your salary with your husband????

Bogeyface Tue 18-Oct-16 21:05:25

Its not his information to share, and regardless of whether he knows or not how you feel, thats the sort of thing you just dont discuss with other people without the say so of the person concerned.

mysistersimone Tue 18-Oct-16 21:06:08

I think it's rude and none of her business and I'd be pissed off for DH sharing. You'd expect other questions, and maybe a is it a payrise. My H shares way too much detail about me with his fecking family, I know everyone's different but his DM's first question when he told her we were expecting DC2 was, "was it planned?"

Overthehillandroundthebend Tue 18-Oct-16 21:06:11

For me it would be totally inappropriate both for her to ask and for your DH to tell. It is none of her business and not very respectful to you. My Dh's once made a revealing comment about my salary to his parents and the only way to stop the judging money comments was to stop seeing them. It is a really stupid thing for him to do.

Bogeyface Tue 18-Oct-16 21:06:40

My mum would never tell my dad what she earned, she said it was her business, which was fine until he changed jobs and wouldnt tell her his new (a lot higher) salary. As he said, she cant have it both ways.

What really annoyed her was that she found out that he had told me grin

MyGiddyUncle Tue 18-Oct-16 21:07:04

How on earth can you not disclose your salary to your husband? How do you plan anything like holidays/home improvements? How do you plan for your retirements/future/dc etc without knowing what your household income is? Weird.

chelseafan123 Tue 18-Oct-16 21:07:28

YANBU it's none of her business and certainly not your husband's information to share. How crass of them both.

OdinsLoveChild Tue 18-Oct-16 21:08:05

As most positions advertise the salary range anyway when recruiting (public sector workers salaries are public knowledge anyway) I don't see that anyone asking the salary is doing anything odd. They could have been sneaky and googled the job advertised without asking you and got a good idea of how much you earn.
With me anyone who knows me or my DH could just go online and have a mooch for our salary based on the number of years of public sector service and they would know instantly how much we earn as a household.
I'm not fussed and I actually find it rather odd anyone would want it to be kept a state secret confused

2rebecca Tue 18-Oct-16 21:08:36

My husband vaguely knows. I'm self employed and the amount I get varies from month to month. He has never shown any inclination to look at my accounts. I know vaguely what he earns as he's PAYE although his money gets paid in to his account where as mine goes in to the joint account (a longstanding arrangement from before we were married and we can't be bothered changing over standing orders.) I have asked to see his account from time to time, but then he rarely bothers looking at the joint account.

Bogeyface Tue 18-Oct-16 21:09:14

Just had a think and I did actually mention money when my friend got a new job, but I just said "ooh well done! More money?!" and she said that yes, it was a payrise and that was that. I would never have dreamed of asking her how much she was on though.

Loaferloveforyou Tue 18-Oct-16 21:11:06

Christ, I've always been taught talking about salaries is so uncouth <clutches pearls>

What an odd and nosey thing to ask! However, my DP is the complete opposite and completely open so he would probably blab if asked.

AmeliaJack Tue 18-Oct-16 21:11:10

The point is that it's not his "story to tell". He doesn't disclose your private financial, medical or other confidential information without your permission.

I'd be really cross.

Bogeyface Tue 18-Oct-16 21:12:14


Dad would pay most of the bills, mortgage etc and give mum a certain amount housekeeping. She would pay for clothes, shoes, holidays etc and they both paid into work pensions. They paid for everything else out of their own "spends", which I suspect she had more of than him for a good few years. If she pays for something that is for him or is something he would normally pay for then she insists that he pays her back.

She is very very funny about money though, not at all normal imo. She would lie awake all night if she thought someone had diddled her out of a fiver.

Me2017 Tue 18-Oct-16 21:12:19

It's not his information to disclose, it's yours. I think most people in our family know what the others earn actually roughly at least and one of my children had a job offer yesterday and she put the salary on our very limited family member group chat but none of us would mention that figure to anyone else including in the wider family without permission. Apart from anything else sometimes contracts of employment expressly say salary is not to be disclosed so you could get the sack and get sued if you disclose the figure. Does your husband want a law suit brought against him?

JellyBelli Tue 18-Oct-16 21:12:40

Its a rude question, she shouldnt have asked, and he should have realised its private.

TaterTots Tue 18-Oct-16 21:24:14

I think it's your sister-in-law that deserves your ire more than your husband. She put him on the spot - it was rude of her to ask in the first place.

It might be old-fashioned, but personally I avoid discussing salaries (my own or that of others) unless there's a genuine reason. I once made the mistake of telling a friend I'd had a big pay rise after getting a new job. She invited me on an expensive trip a few months later and, when I said I couldn't afford it, she said 'But you're loaded now'. First of all, I bloody wish! And secondly, as I pointed out to her through gritted teeth, taking the job was a long-term measure to get out of debt and had involved an expensive relocation.

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