AIBU to feel left out and hurt?(23 Posts)
Edited to say it's a long backstory I'm afraid!
I've known a few mums from toddler groups, in particular three who's eldest child were starting school together. So there's been many play dates, parties and we go out for dinner about once a month with other friends with older children. We also take it in turns to host dinners with partners. I've been going through a rough time of late as we've finally had an autism diagnosis for my daughter as well as being told that she isn't coping in mainstream and will need to move to a special school, all of this I've been open about.
I mentioned that I was thinking of having a Halloween party and wanted to know when they were available. Then last week I found out that birthday party invites had gone out for one of their daughters and my daughter hadn't been invited. Now I was a bit sad (she doesn't get many invites) but recognised it was a friendship between us rather than our children. I'd also instigated a night out as I felt I needed a night out so we agreed to meet tonight.
On Friday we had a play date with our younger children and we were chatting about weekend plans. I said I was looking forward to a few hours to myself Saturday morning while DH took the girls to a club. One of the other mums said she was looking forward to a whole day kids free on Saturday, I suggested she do something fun as I know she's been busy lately, end of discussion.
Then Saturday evening a post pop up on Facebook, the three of them had been out for afternoon tea and were thanking each other for the lovely relaxing time they'd had.
Now I was a bit hurt and miffed when I read it, but it's gone round and round in my head, I can't help but feel left out. I'm now really not keen on going out with them as I feel as though I'm the spare part and I'm sad that I've been left out.
AIBU to feel like this? It sounds so childish but I'm genuinely hurt and want to protect myself from feeling like this again, but am I cutting of my nose to spite my face (love a cliche!) by distancing myself and I should just put my big girl pants on and forget about it?
Oh yes I'd feel sad too but I still think you should go out with them tonight. Be sparkling charming company and then they'll wish they'd invited you in the spa afternoon. But to be honest it might be that because their DC are close they've kind of been thrown together and the spa thing emerged from that. But rotten of them to not include you though when they know you've had s rough time but I genuinely wouldn't think of yourself as a spare part. Friendships with other parents ebb and flow and change over time.
Just reread and its not clear their eldest as well as mine started school together.
Maybe they think you aren't as available during the day now that you have identified your dd needs you that bit more now?
Personally I would be upset tho. Maybe make it clear your dh is more than capable of letting you have some child free time still?
Urgh, why do people do this? And put it on pissing Facebook. They could've asked you op, it's nice to be asked. Yanbu xx
You sound really friendly and nice op, don't let these people get to you.
That's really hurtful. I've got two dd's with autism and find people don't invite me to much. It hurts and then they stick it all over Facebook. I would maybe lower your expectations of the friendship a little to minimise the hurt. You sound really nice btw.
Being on face book magnifies things like this. If you weren't on there, then you would have been none the wiser. TBH OP, lots of playground friendships struck up with other mums happen just for convenience, and in 10 years time they will have moved on separately anyway. It's not nice though when it's happening in the here and now.
It does seem inconsiderate to exclude you from a relaxing day when they know you've been having a stressful time. I really hope this isn't the case but I'd be concerned that they do see the friendship as revolving round the children and don't see their children as having as much in common with yours because she has special needs. I hope I'm wrong but the timing is suspicious with your DD's diagnosis and the issue of her also being left out. I'd still go on the night out but if this behaviour continues in future I'd ask them if you've done something to upset them. I know you won't have, you sound lovely but it's just a way of asking if there is something wrong and why they are leaving you out without being confrontational.
They may have heard you say you were wanting some time out and took you at your word. You weee having a quiet day to yourself?
Facebook is the worst for this. I unfollow most people these days as it just seems to be a place to self congratulate, boast and be smug!
Maybe there's more to it, like it was arranged last minute and they couldn't get hold of you or they just bumped into each other in town? I think I would probably jump to the same conclusion but try to tell myself maybe things aren't always as they seem. Think I'd be tempted to say something tonight to them like "looks like you had a nice time, I saw it on Facebook, was it last minute?" Or something like that...
Now you've got your DD's dx be prepared to lose friends!!!
You'll get to the stage where you have very little in common with them.
Join the PTA at the special school and get involved with the school and you'll make friends with people who you can relate to and who can empathise with you!!!
Real friends will stick about because they love you and your child !!!
I know it's not quite the same as no children involved, but I went out with one of my closest friends, his girlfriend and another friend (who we used to be really close with, but drifted apart a few years ago) for dinner last week and during the evening, I found out that the three of them had been going out for dinner etc. I had never been invited out any of the other times (I live a few minutes walk from the friend so it's not like it would have been hard for me to meet them or anything) and I felt like a complete idiot sat there while they were all sharing inside jokes and talking about the other times they'd been out. It really upset me (and I'm ashamed to admit, I'm still really upset about it when I think about it) and I am very hurt.
I know that isn't the same as your situation but just wanted to say I do understand (at least a little) of where you're coming from and I absolutely think YANBU to feel hurt.
The way in read it was that you were free I the morning and not in the afternoon, perhaps yoit friends though the same?
Sorry you feel left out. With my reasonably equivalent group of friends it'd be fine to meet in smaller groups and wouldn't mean anything significant, just that we could meet in different combos not always as the full group. Isn't it possible this is the case? That it doesn't mean they like you any less, they just mightn't see it as a big deal? That's separate to the issues around your dd, which must be making you feel more uneasy about them. Maybe withdraw a little if it helps you care less what they're up to, or brush it off and think the best of them. It's surely more careless than vindictive.
It's shitty, and if they're really your friends then ask them what happened. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
I feel sad for you OP. Facebook is the pits. Hoik up your big girls pants, realise where you stand within your "friendship" group. Think about where your friendship is leading and then go find some people who are fit to be called your "friends". Most of us have been in your shoes. It ain't nice but there are lots of lovely people in this World. You need to find them. Good luck OP x
I would be hurt too. TO be honest they sound like very superficial friends - they're happy to have nights out and post pictures on Facebook but not really interested if you're having a hard time and need a shoulder to cry on. I guess you need to either accept the friendship for what it is and find a separate support network or just cut them loose entirely. You sound like a lovely friend - I'd much rather hang out with you than them by the sound of it!
Thank you all for your replies and the kind words, I'd expected more of you to say I was being over sensitive!
I did go out last night and I was able to be more objective, and look at the group dynamics, yes I am hurt but it has opened my eyes that of the three only one is really a friend.
I don't have many friends and it's difficult to think I'm turning away from some of the few I have, but I think they already have I just hadn't realised.
I have been where you are too and it's a shock when you realise that nobody thought to ask you when you would always ask them. Honestly there are always new friends to be made, new people to meet. They are fools to exclude you. You sound fab
chin up OP. You're being very pragmatic about this I think. It sucks to realise that people you considered friends don't feel the same way as you. You sound lovely.
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