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AIBU - Exp and ToysRus

(48 Posts)
talksensetome Tue 18-Oct-16 12:06:28

I may be being unreasonable here so I will put it to the Mumsnet test....

I don't drive and our nearest Toysrus is really awkward to get to.

I do salary sacrifice each month to buy toysrus vouchers which I keep for Christmas presents for DS. I have done this for years and Exp and I usually go and pick out the presents which he then gives me half the money back for. He drives. This will be the third Christmas since we separated and for the last two we have continued the usual pattern.

This year he has a new partner and she won't let him drive me to Toysrus so now I have all these vouchers and a bloody hefty taxi fare. I can get the two buses there but can't carry presents on the bus home, can't order online with vouchers to get the stuff delivered.

AIBU to think she is being ridiculous and we are hardly going to be romancing on the soft toy aisle. It is good to communicate over what we are each getting so we don't double up and we do get between us the things DS wants.

Just so I don't have to drip feed, the GF regularly texts me, rings me, pops in to pick DS up and stays for a couple of hours. I always back her up to ds and tell him he must do as she says. I am friendly to her and we get on well. She always tells me about their rows and really over shares about their relationship but I have never discouraged her from being with him or anything.
TBH I am not really comfortable with the relationship I seem to have with his new GF, but she comes across as insecure and I wouldn't like her to feel that I was anything for her to worry about. It suits me that EX is with her and has somewhere nice to take DS and DS likes the GF and she is really involved with him when he is there. I would really like to not hear about their problems but don't want to make her feel I am the enemy.
Exp doesn't come into my home anymore, he picks up from the door, we don't communicate except about DS and I have always tried to be a friend to their relationship, I am no threat to her in anyway. We are friendly at pick up and drop off as in there is no bad feeling between us or anything but as he is in a new relationship we keep appropriate boundaries. We don't have each other on social media, no phone calls etc etc.

The other week Exp was helping one of my neighbours with something, he used to live in my house so knows the neighbours. in the space of time he was there she rang me twice to ask me to go and knock on the neighbours and ask him to ring her, gave him 48 missed calls, text me saying she can't believe he has fucked off and left her when she doesn't feel well, said she needs to go to the walk in doctors and if he doesn't answer she will lock him out, then asked me to ring her and put him on the phone. He wasn't at mine, he was at the neighbours and I was at home with the kids. She feels ill all the time BTW this isn't a new thing, she is always saying she feels sick, has fallen down stairs, is having a heavy period, has a headache. why she feels I need to know all this is beyond me.

The GF is 17 (almost 18 and Ex lives with her in her home), I am 30 and Ex is 28.

So anyway that's really long!!

AIBU to think my sons dad should be allowed to go to toysrus and pick some presents with his mum!

Oh and I know I seem really over involved in their relationship but it really is not down to me. I had a thread previously where her mum had rung me and I was nice and reassuring and it has escalated from there and got out of hand!

Tippytappytoes Tue 18-Oct-16 12:16:52

Yes, you should be able to. Can you buy online and get them delivered? It would save you the taxi fare.

I would, if I were you, continue being polite but cut her off when she starts talking about their relationship, stop answering the phone and texts. She sounds like a drama llama and I would find her exhausting. Her issues (of which it sounds like there are a few) are not your issues.

ThatGingerOne Tue 18-Oct-16 12:18:41

She sounds like a typical 17 year old with a boyfriend. What's not typical is the age of the person she is dating - she just doesn't know how to act like an adult it seems (hopefully this will come as she gets older - BTW I'm only 21 so not bashing teens).

I think you need to go to them if possible or have them come to you and sit down to discuss it properly.

Is there anyway she can come with you both to ToysRus? I know how you feel, they all seem to be miles away from anywhere! grin

What has your Ex said about it? Is he bending to her will or is he uncomfortable with it?

Soubriquet Tue 18-Oct-16 12:21:16

She's 17 with a 28 year old boyfriend

That's a bit....young.

Why did you buy vouchers in the first place? Why not save the cash?

talksensetome Tue 18-Oct-16 12:22:22

Tippy I can't use the vouchers online, only instore unfortunately or I would just avoid the whole thing.

Gingerone He has said she is giving him grief and she always gives him grief about me, he had to ring me once when they had DS and he said she kicked off because he rang me instead of her. He asked me to ask her direct if he can give me a lift as that will then put her on the spot as she doesn't admit to me that she has a problem with me. Does that make any sense?

JellyBelli Tue 18-Oct-16 12:22:26

Do you have a friend who can drive you instead? If your ex is allowing this then he shouldnt be surprised if he isnt involved any more.
Also, be careful about spending money on the vouchers from now on, if she is this interfering and controlling then you might not get half your money back.

talksensetome Tue 18-Oct-16 12:23:48

Soubriquet we get a discount and as it is salary sacrifice we save tax and NI too. When I signed up to it I wasn't aware of the GF and once you opt in you are stuck in it for 12 months.

I agree with her being a bit young but that's not really my business.

talksensetome Tue 18-Oct-16 12:24:50

I definitely won't be signing up to it next year. I wouldn't have this year if I knew about the GF, wouldn't want to tread on their toes or anything.

ThatStewie Tue 18-Oct-16 12:25:56

He's far too old to be dating a 17 year old. That's massively creepy behaviour. Equally, refusing to co-parent as you have done because of a new relationship is asinine. Stop inviting her in and stop answering your phone to her. Just be polite rather than 'friendly'.

If you don't have a friend who can take you, the only option is the bus there & back or bus & a taxi. I would stop doing vouchers at work though as this will be a pattern now.

Soubriquet Tue 18-Oct-16 12:26:43

Fair enough. Never heard about that. What a good idea.

Well I suppose this year you're going to have to fork out for the taxi really aren't you?

Pity they don't do a delivery service in store like Iceland do.

Hopefully things will start to even out but if she's this clingy, there's a chance the relationship won't last anyway

ThatGingerOne Tue 18-Oct-16 12:27:48

talksense I get what you mean. She just seems so immature, maybe you should call her mum [grins] wine

Dontpanicpyke Tue 18-Oct-16 12:29:23

I don't think this relationship will last and find it weird your ex is dating a child to be honest.

Have you a friend who could take you? Family? If not get s taxi and just swallow the bill.

Going forward minimise contact with her as by listening to her dramas you are perpetuating the relationship. Withdraw and rise above it. She should be out partying at they age anyway or studying not stuck with a bloke and kid.

Thatwaslulu Tue 18-Oct-16 12:29:53

She sounds insecure - at 17 I was very clingy with my 30 year old boyfriend and when I look back now I cringe! I agree with Ginger, can you invite her to come along as well?

It may be worth playing the long game here, it is unlikely the relationship will last if she is so dramatic.

talksensetome Tue 18-Oct-16 12:30:48

It is a really good perk, we get lots of benefits as I work for a big international company and this has worked really well for us previously. Obviously I won't opt in next year.

Taxi it is. I am just bloody frustrated about it.

Ginger I already had a phone call from her mum asking am I sleeping with him and do I have a problem with her daughter. I was so stunned I did a thread on it!

talksensetome Tue 18-Oct-16 12:32:38

I have suggested that she comes too BTW but that doesn't seem to be working.

For what it is worth I don't approve of the age gap either but I keep my opinion to myself as it is not my business and I would just come across as the bitter ex.

Dontpanicpyke Tue 18-Oct-16 12:32:51

It is your buisness though if they are rowing and creating drama all the time for your ds to view.

That's not what adults should be doing.

Got yo say I would be cutting contact a bit if it was my child as this relationship doesn't sound healthy at all.

Dontpanicpyke Tue 18-Oct-16 12:34:18

Her mother phoned you asking you if you had sex????

Seriously cut them all off until your dh grows up and remembers his responsibilities.

squiz81 Tue 18-Oct-16 12:34:32

How odd. She sounds very immature.

Option 1. Pick the toys on line, write a list - exp gets them all.

Option 2. You, exp and crazy jealous new girlfriend all go together so she can chaperone you

Soubriquet Tue 18-Oct-16 12:34:57

Her mum got involved?! shock

I agree with the backing off now

Only talk to him if it's something to do with your child and that's it

Make it clear you aren't interested in him and hopefully she will stop being so petty too. Then the drama will die and she will probably get bored and move on

Stormwhale Tue 18-Oct-16 12:36:25

I think seeing as you only need to do this for this year, I would do as he asks. It's fucking ridiculous, but I would sit down with her, explain the situation and go from there. It sounds like she wants joint presents from her and your ex, and doesn't want presents to be coming from you and your ex. It's petty and pathetic, but she is very young and clearly very immature.

I wouldn't worry, this relationship will not last as she sounds like she is annoying him emmensly already.

One thing I would say though, is that you have been far far too accommodating of this relationship. I also feel that you have allowed someone to become a big part of your sons life way too soon. This relationship is clearly a joke and your son is going to be hurt and confused when she disappears out of his life. I would learn from this and have a conversation with your ex about the appropriate amount of time before introducing a new partner, in order to prevent this sort of shit ever happening again.

Stormwhale Tue 18-Oct-16 12:38:02

I remember your thread op. You are so so much calmer than me. I would not be putting up with any of this shit.

Penfold007 Tue 18-Oct-16 12:38:15

Taxi fare to avoid this drama seems a small price to pay. Could you get there on public transport and taxi home with your bags? She's behaving like the child she is I'd be distancing myself from her and her drama.

mum2Bomg Tue 18-Oct-16 12:39:32

Go on your own and get what you need - get a cab. Then offer the other half for cash and make a list of everything you have already got. I'd remove yourself from this as much as possible as it sounds like a nightmare.

talksensetome Tue 18-Oct-16 12:39:40

Squiz I really like your Option 1 and can't believe I haven't thought of that!! If they don't have anything in store he will have to ring me and tell me the other options! I think we could do that.

Storm they live together so I don't see how I could minimise her involvement in DS life other than stop him seeing his dad and I don't know that that would be fair.

butterfliesandzebras Tue 18-Oct-16 12:40:25

Maybe it's not about romance in the soft toy aisle (though that is an amusing image!) But about the ds getting presents joint from 'mum and dad' and separate from her, whereas if she sees herself as moving into a step mum role, she may think the presents should be from 'her and dad' jointly and separate from you? (Bit petty obviously, but she is young).

I second the idea of her coming along too (if that wouldn't be too weird). Maybe say to her something on the lines of 'picking the presents for ds is always so fun, and it will be so great to have you there as well as ex to give your opinion too this year..'

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